DKOS ~ GBCW Diary: An Apology

I was recently banned from Daily Kos for posting a comment that contained a poorly and irresponsibly described traumatic story from my youth, when I was 13 years old, living in Queens, New York City. Up until recently, I refrained from telling people that I was the victim of a targeted ambush “Racist Hate Crime,” although I clearly was. I don’t like to describe myself as a “victim” … I don’t like to think of myself as “victim” I knew it was, when it happened, I just never wanted to become bitter, afraid, or filled with rage. The incident scarred me, in no small way, even though I came out of it, relatively physically unscathed, save for a minor bruise to my right cheek, but my psyche, however, was dealt a severe blow. I will attempt to explain, herein, a more responsible, respectful and clear version of the incident, and the role I personally played. RadioGirl posted a diary, discussing Racism, and within that diary, my comment was one of the prominent items she discussed.

She described my story as “chilling.” She was right.

This was I was 13/14 years old, when I was jumped by 5 black kids. Yes, it was an admittedly harsh story. My tone in telling it, was, fr om my perspective, “matter of fact”, or “raw” or “detached” … and this apparently unnerved certain members of that community.

I posted my comment on:

* Thu Jan 27, 2011 at 09:32:25 AM PST

Two days (48 hours) later, a slew of comments were posted in response, commencing on

Sat Jan 29, 2011 at 09:54:20 AM PST, 48 hours after my comment was posted. I did not actually see those responses until a week later, on Fri Feb 4, which was several days after I had been banned. I had no idea they were even there, which is why I never responded.

Mostly, because of my real life demands, not the least of which was the fact that Friday Jan 28 I was up all night with my 83 year old dad, who suffers from early stages of dementia, who had another “new” ailment, ending in the morning with me having to take him to the ER, yet again.  



Before I get into the reasons why I’ve decided to discontinue posting essays or comments at buhdydharma‘s Daily Kos-inspired blog, let me briefly explain why I began posting there in the first place.

Yes, I am hanging out here. :) (If that’s OK.)

Hey guys –

So I understand that some of you are kind of worried about the GBCW that I posted on Dkos yesterday (well, early this morning), and I’ve had a few requests from DD folks to just delete that diary, take a break from The Kos, and then come back when I’m ready.

Yeah. I’m not going to do that. Here’s why:

When I deleted last night’s rant, it was really just the final straw for me. I cried a lot but, today, I don’t regret my decision at all. It was a good, solid decision for me to make, actually, and it frees me up to explore other ways that I can write without all the name-calling bullshit attached to it. I mean, I’d like to start posting here regularly, and maybe a few other places, too. And I’ll probably start up my own website at some point.

I’m 40, ya know? I’m too old for that kind of drama. I don’t want it anymore.

It is time to say my good-byes

If you have read my stuff, you know I don’t trust Obama in the least.  He may have a sincere bone in his body (it’s probably the ‘stirrup’ in his right ear).  I think he’s one of ‘them.’

Holy moly… another flamewar and another GBCW

it seems to me we run around talking about saving the world and can barely save ourselves.

hey Robyn, how many times have you been here? you were contemplating leaving and/or stopping writing just days ago, feeling ineffectual. i hear this from you often. people don’t read your stuff. they don’t listen to you.

weill, i am leaving. but not because of any one person. and it’s not because i’m misunderstood or nobody listens to me.

i’m am tired of the whining. not yours. but the whole fucking thing. i’m tired of sacred cows, whether it’s using a word or saying Bill Clinton fucked us. i’m tired of transgender, black, white, progressive, hispanic, women, fuck fuck fuck… when do we get back to just being human beings? instead of targets and victims and winners and losers and progressives who don’t realize they marginalize others be labeling them as haters…

i’m tired of hurt feelings. and absolutes. it’s not about you. or me. there are far more serious problems to solve. but for sure, we are kidding ourselves if this is as good as we get. distorting each other’s feelings, facts, intentions.

i am tired of being a progressive. and yet, i realize i’ve never thoroughly mourned the loss of my democratic self. i am tired of politics. i am tired of people pretending they want the truth. “we can challenge each other.” i might just vomit… nobody really wants to hear truth. i think sometimes agreement disguises itself as truth. the truth is there is nothing absolute about it… it breaks like light into colors of all kinds through 6.7 billion different prisms.

i’m tired of talking. writing. thinking about George W. Bush.  i am tired of nancy pelosi and botox. i’m tired of lies. i hope Obama is the second coming of christ and that i don’t feel compelled to write another political thought.

i’ve been on the verge of this for a while. and this, this was one one too many for me. i think what happened here was wrong. yes. i do.

and yes, this is about you Robyn. hear this from a fan of your writing: you lose me when you start the pity party. who gives a fuck how many people read you? there are people who do. write to them. not to those who aren’t there. i know i got into a “why don’t you give a pony” with NL. but it was never about how many ponies… you’ll just have to take my word on that.

as a reader of yours, i always end up feeling cheated when you go down the “i’m misunderstood road” and i say, fuck. don’t squander your power with this shit. you’ve got power Robyn. you blow me away. but then you go and give it away. you have the makings of blockbuster. get out of your own way.

whether you stay here or you go somewhere else. listen to what scribe said. that was a spot-on comment.

it’s time. change the game Robyn. you’ve already changed the rules and the board. you, having been man, woman, father and wondering how to approach those things with your daughter now can go for it…  on so many levels.

so just fucking do it. i am sorry, but i do expect more of you… i hope you take it this as it’s meant. it’s a compliment AND a kick in the ass.


GBCW (?)

Although I have thoroughly enjoyed my 9 days at Docudharma, the cruel realities of capitalism are beckoning me toward greener pastures.  The blogging world is a cut-throat competition filled with endless choices.  And I have heard the siren song of . . .

Paris Hilton.

She needs a new best friend.  And will stop at nothing to get one.  Her new web site is soliciting new soulmates as we speak.  Applicants need to submit a 90-second video and write a blog entry that appeals to Paris’ short attention span.  Then the concerned public can vote on Paris’ web site to narrow the field to 20 finalists.  We will then all be treated to a new reality show where Paris will choose her BFF from those 20 lucky candidates.

I’m out of here

In comments last night, it became clear to me that this is not the site I thought it was, and is not the place for me.

No hard feelings; if you want to read what I write, it’ll be over at dailyKos and Swing State Project

I will watch this diary for any comments, since that seems polite.  Then I’m gone.

I Mean What I Say

And I said what I meant. I posted a diary last night at the Orange Satan site doing the very narcissistic adios thing. So, does any one here want to talk about Latin American issues, immigration and the assorted idiocies involved in such discussions? Are enough people interested if I were to post a semi regular diary on LA topics?