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Happy 50th Birthday, Alaska!

I am so very proud to be markin’ the 50th anniversary of Alaska becomin’ part of these great United States!  Alaska became the 49th state in 1959.  I must apologize though, because technically I’m wishin’ Alaska a belated happy birthday since statehood became official on Jan 3rd, 1959.  Wouldn’t you know it, I needed a few extra weeks there to realize that 2009 – 1959 = 50!  But what the heck, we’ll be celebratin’ all year with things like commemorative license plates and commemorative stamps.  As you can see it’s a very pretty stamp, but unfortunately can only be used to ship extremely large packages:

Et Tu, Joe the Plumber?


Sorry for that terrible outburst of profanity there.  But all this raggin’ on Republicans is makin’ me mad!  Everybody’s blamin’ everybody for our razor-thin election loss, but I thought there was one person I could count on no matter what.  But I was wrong.  I know that’s pretty hard to believe also, havin’ never been wrong about anything before.  

But my dear ex-friend Joe the Plumber now says that John McCain “appalled me” when they were talkin’ about politics and stuff:

I asked him some pretty direct questions,” (Joe the Plumber) continued. “Some of the answers you guys are gonna receive – they appalled me, absolutely. I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.

Then he tried to cover his sorry (but very cute) butt by also sayin’:

While Wurzelbacher was critical of McCain during the interview, he had nothing but praise for his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. “Sarah Palin is absolutely the real deal,” he said.

I see what you’re doin’ there!  It’s OK to dump on McCain now that he’s lost, but ya still want to be in the game when my turn to be President rolls around, don’tcha?  Well, Joe (can I call ya “Joe”?), once you get off that bus go ahead and assume the position under it!  If that’s the way you’re gonna treat us, THE ONES WHO MADE YOU FAMOUS, I ain’t gonna cover for you any more.  You want some straight talk, Joe?  Well, get ready . . .    

Help Me Fight the War on the War on Christmas!

I feel kinda sorry for Bill O’Reilly whenever Christmas rolls around.  Each year he bravely wages the War on the War on Christmas while the rest of America goes shoppin’ there in the malls, sayin’ “Happy Holidays!” to each other like a bunch of socialists.  The baby Jesus wasn’t born on a happy holiday, people!  He was born on Christmas!  Well, probably not, actually:

The Bible itself tells us that December 25 is an unlikely date for His birth. Palestine is very cold in December. It was much too cold to ask everyone to travel to the city of their fathers to register for taxes. Also the shepherds were in the fields (Luke 2:8-12). Shepherds were not in the fields in the winter time. They are in the fields early in March until early October. This would place Jesus’ birth in the spring or early fall. It is also known that Jesus lived for 33.5 years and died at the feast of the Passover, which is at Easter time. He must therefore have been born six months the other side of Easter – making the date around the September/October time frames.

OK, so Jesus might have been born on Oktoberfest.  Maybe that’s why the Germans drink so much.  They’re celebratin’ the joyous birth of Our Lord the way God intended — NOT by puttin’ stupid decorations on a tree and bakin’ cookies!  

Why Do These Things Keep Happening To Me?

Well, that gosh darn liberal media is up to their same ol’ tricks again!  I’m tryin’ to do this cute thing about pardonin’ a turkey there in the spirit of Thanksgiving.  Good patriotic folks love it when I do that stuff!  But can ya trust a liberal elite cameraman to frame the shot to not make me look stupid?  Or clueless?  Or insensitive?  I think we all know the answer to that question.  

(Now, I should warn ya that the following video may be disturbing to some viewers because I attempt to speak the English language.  Oh, and also some turkeys get killed.)

Let Me Correct the Record One Last Time

(Yes, I know.  I promised to go away.  Well . . . I lied.  I am a Republican after all.  Deal with it!)

Well, surprise, surprise!  Even though I lost the election and would have been perfectly happy to just fade away, the liberal media just can’t let it go.  They’re whinin’ about my clothes again even though I already dealt with that.  And they’re pickin’ on me again about talkin’ to Sarkozy (also dealt with already).  

But now things are gettin’ so ridiculous the Fox News Channel is lyin’ about me too!  Gosh darn it, with friends like that who needs Keith Olbermann?  

GBCW (Updated with waffling)

In an incredibly ironic twist, my identity has been exposed due to my own incompetence.  Trying to maintain a sockpuppet account, logging in and out of two accounts, can be fraught with peril.  I blew it, thinking I was typing a reply as Caribou Barbie, but posting it as myself.

I can’t continue making fun of Sarah Palin if I’m no smarter than her.  And I only had one more day to go before the election.  I’d have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!  No…no…I have no one to blame but myself.

Thank you for indulging me.  I had a blast, and Docudharma is a great audience!  I hope everyone enjoyed it half as much as I did.  Now let’s all hope that Caribou Barbie’s spectacular failure on Docudharma is a harbinger of things to come tomorrow!  

Update:  The whole sorry episode happened here.

Update 2:  OK, I’m starting to waffle on the GBCW thing and here’s why.  It’s lookin’ like nothing can stop Palin from running in 2012.  I would expect she will take a little time off after the election.  And then?  Move to Iowa and camp out right here in my own back yard (I live in Des Moines).  It just occurred to me that I’ll have to put up with her gibberish for THE NEXT FOUR FUCKING YEARS.  I may need Caribou Barbie to retain my sanity.  

We Got ‘Em Right Where We Want ‘Em!

It’s gettin’ down to crunch time, America!  And I couldn’t be more pleased about the state of the Palin-McCain ticket as we head into these last few days.  As I proved conclusively earlier, polls show that we are in great position to win this election.  

I’ve been workin’ like the dickens to shore up this misperception that I don’t understand foreign policy too good.  Just the other day I was chattin’ with French President Nicolas Sarkozy about all kinds of things, like which countries we can see from our houses, unfair things the liberal media says about us, our shared love of hunting, the relative hotness of me and his wife . . . well, I’ll just let you listen for yourselves:

Campaign Analysis From a REAL American

Everyone and their uncle seems to be puttin’ up one of those fancy color-coded electoral maps lately, and I’m seeing a trend in a lot of them.  They’re BIASED!!!  The liberal polling elite are falling all over themselves to see who can show the biggest lead for Mr. Socialism.  But one American hero is brave enough to put out a patriotic electoral map that shows what is REALLY happening in this race.  That patriot is Bill O’Reilly of the Fox News Channel.  

My Vision For America

Gosh darn it, the liberal media elite in this country is really makin’ it hard for me to communicate with the American people I love so much.  They twist my words about the danger of Russians invading Alaska, the dangers of William Ayers, the dangers of rollin’ out the red carpet for me at hockey games, blah, blah, blah.  So today I want to take my Vision For America directly to you, the real American people, without havin’ to worry about my words being made to look stupid.

I envision an America with a much smaller government that doesn’t get in the way of our patriotic spirit.  To cut the size of government, I propose eliminating a bunch of states that aren’t carrying their weight in the ol’ patriotism department.  States like California, New York, Illinois, Massachusetts, and Vermont are no-brainers – they’re out.  This election will be a test for some states that are unsure of their patriotism and they better think REAL HARD about whom to vote for if they want to remain in this great country of ours.  I’m watching you, Pennsylvania!  Also Virginia, Nevada, Michigan, New Hampshire, Colorado, Iowa, North Carolina, Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Indiana, Missouri, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and Montana.

Now Doggone It, Let Me Explain!

The liberal media is just goin’ positively goofy today about the $150,000 worth of clothes the Republican National Committee bought for me.  Well, gosh, what were they supposed to do?  Those nice men at the RNC didn’t want me goin’ around naked!  And I would look pretty stupid if Tina Fey looked better than me every week.  I’m not about to be caught lookin’ stupid, that’s for gosh-darn sure.  Besides, the Democrat Party does this kinda’ stuff all the time.  Why, I heard that Barack Obama spent $542,000 to have his ears pulled away from his head for that “liberal Harvard elite” look.

But let me address this directly without the filter of the liberal media.  First, I don’t plan to keep those clothes.  I’m going to donate them to charity.  You see, like all good Christian people I like to spread the wealth arou . . . errr, ummm, I like to help those less fortunate than myself.  So I’ll be giving all those clothes to the Salvation Army, where poor folks can go in and get something nice to wear whenever they have to give a speech in front of 10,000 people.


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