Why Do These Things Keep Happening To Me?

(10 am. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

Well, that gosh darn liberal media is up to their same ol’ tricks again!  I’m tryin’ to do this cute thing about pardonin’ a turkey there in the spirit of Thanksgiving.  Good patriotic folks love it when I do that stuff!  But can ya trust a liberal elite cameraman to frame the shot to not make me look stupid?  Or clueless?  Or insensitive?  I think we all know the answer to that question.  

(Now, I should warn ya that the following video may be disturbing to some viewers because I attempt to speak the English language.  Oh, and also some turkeys get killed.)

For those of you with enough sense to not be watchin’ these kinds of videos, let’s just say I’m givin’ a perfectly folksy interview while this guy there in the background is sendin’ some turkeys to meet God in heaven.  You know, “circle of life” and all that.  There really is no need for anyone to watch it.  So don’t.

All you liberal-hippie-PETA-types need to just calm down for a second here.  Where do ya think that big turkey dinner comes from on Thanksgiving?  Did ya think King Obama just waves his magic wand and perfectly-prepared turkeys just show up there on your table?  Get out of your socialist fantasyland!  God gave us dominion over the animals that taste good.  And He placed us at the top of the food chain for a very good reason.  That reason escapes me at the moment, but I’m sure God know’s what He’s doin’.

Plus also the turkeys need to eat too.  And they’re just as bloodthirsty as we are, out there in the woods slaughterin’ grass and nuts and stuff to selfishly fatten themselves up.  Every tasty morsel in the food chain is one of God’s creatures, don’t ya think?  It ain’t like I’m one of those crocodiles ya see on the Discovery Channel tearin’ up some wildebeest that just wanted a drink of water.  And yet God loves the vicious crocodile too.  Not as much as He loves people of course.  He kinda has a slidin’ scale of how much he loves certain creatures, which is how the food chain came about.  Oh, that’s the reason I was tryin’ to think of earlier!  I knew it would come to me eventually.    

I gotta say also that the turkey slaughterin’ guy is kinda creepy.  That’s what everyone should be focused on here.  I’m just standin’ there totally innocent doin’ my Governor job like a good American.  But did ya notice how he keeps lookin’ back and checkin’ me out?  Sure it’s a natural reaction with me bein’ so hot and all.  But he should keep his perverted thoughts to himself and concentrate on killin’ those turkeys.  That machine looks like it could chop parts off a man just as easy as a turkey.

This kind of animal stuff doesn’t bother me at all because I grew up in a loving home filled with guns.  In other words, I grew up as A PATRIOT.  When kids are exposed to guns and huntin’ and killin’ at an early age they get all desensitized to that stuff.  That’s what makes ’em good American leaders when they grow up, unafraid to take on the special interests in Washington tryin’ to take away our freedoms.  So get over this turkey thing, America!  Would you rather starve next Thursday?



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  1. brighten up everybody’s Thanksgiving!  And practice my pardoning skills for when I get to be President.

  2. We know where your heart is:  in the real America doin’ real American stuff.  That’s what Thanksgiving is all about: https://www.docudharma.com/show

  3. Sarah, you really need to bypass the filter of the mainstream media. Those darn pesky corporations liberals (sorry) are out to get you.

  4. your just getting more and more irrelevant. A footnote as my husband predicted. I hope you are ready to put into play the fact that oil and pipelines will soon be not the definition of opportunity. Like that meat as well as the liquid gold, both are running out and the last frontier, is long ago also a footnote. Good bye Barbie, and good by the other Alaskan, the one who brought us a good laugh with the tubes. You both have been to me a good reason not to visit the last frontier, the one we hopefully have left behind. I heard Mars has big reservoirs of water I think that this would be a better tourist destination then your sorry state. Maybe not the assholes always get there first.    

  5. Things have been a little slow since the campaign & since you’ve been given so much air time, things like this little dust up are bound to happen now & then.  Just think of the turkeys as collateral damage.  You did save the one turkey and for that we should all be thankful–you betcha!

  6. Barbie, b/c it was too long and too much video makes my computer crash.

    But it looked to me like the butcher in the background was painfully aware of the cameraman…

    LOL…if more Americans saw where their turkeys came from, there would be more vegetarians in the U.S.  Don’t blame me: I come from a huntin’ and butcherin’ state too….

    • RUKind on November 22, 2008 at 08:26

    It’s part of the Iron Dog Triathlon that Todd wins every year. Cool dude there in the work clothes. Knows how to work his machine.

    Maybe we can see a moose field-dressed in the next interview background.

    • Diane G on November 22, 2008 at 14:19

    It looks like you got yerself some darned-tootin well drained turkeys there. The guys there, in Alaska there, they know how ta drain to the last drop there.

  7. … position.

    The turkeys and cows and such, they live on the death of others. They deserve to be eaten. The plants are the innocents here. So we should not eat innocent vegetables, but guilty meat.

    Now we have to be careful here … those animals that live by eating meat, they are not living on the death of innocents, but rather punishing the guilty … so its the herbivores that we should focus on.

    Like the evil turkey.

    And Caribou may pardon the turkey from its past transgressions, but if you were to go up there and investigate, that turkey has not repented … sooner or later, it will eat innocent plants again.

  8. With photos and videos.  And then a prequel, maybe, the Caribou Barbie Alaska Wild Game Cookbook.  

    When is it coming out?  There’s a fortune to be made…

  9. You just can’t help attracting things.  Things, things of all shapes and sizes and creeds and colors, just sort of naturally zap over in your direction, and then they want to stick to you!  It’s not your fault; in fact, it’s what we love about you!  Think of it as the burden of being Barbie!

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