Tag: Satire

What Obama SO MUST ABSOLUTELY EVER do tomorrow…

…in order be even VAGUELY viable in general election.

Well, he has to win by 20%, of course, but then he has to…

I have corporate sponsorship!

Very exciting times here at the the bustling blog offices!

Last night, yours-truly opened the front door to find a phalanx of high-powered corporate executives in even HIGHER powered suits standing expectantly on my stoop.

Well, these executives wined and dined and seventy-two’d me (that’s three better then sixty-nine) and as the caviar and truffles settled in my befattened tummy… I made the morally difficult decision to accept corporate sponsorship for my ongoing efforts.

burger king

Now, I understand how you might worry that the influence of multinational conglomerates (specifically the bags of cash, the bright red porsche, and the women of extremely low morals) might change the very nature of this blog, but let me tell you… NAY, PROMISE… as sure as the delicious Whopperâ„¢ I’m eating has a third less fat than the Big Mac… I CANNOT be corrupted!

OK… see… I wasn’t TECHNICALLY lying…

…when I failed to mention that, along with you, I was also dating five other women, three of them pregnant via me, two close relatives (your sister is SO much hotter than I first thought), and my wife of eighteen years. See, though nothing I said was accurate, I was simply employing enhanced truth-telling techniques, which, apparently, President George Bush approved from the oval office!

im typing this from inside my closet

first my apologies if things are spellled wrong or if there are tipos, but i’m on the floor in the hall closet, an umbrella handle digging into my back, a string of garlic around my neck, typing as faast as i can, because… i’ve discovered something tonight… something horrrible and unthinkable… and i’m afraid if i go public with it… they’ll hunt me down and kill me.

my friends… WE ARE NOT ALONE.

King George W. Bush Endorses John W. McCain for President

Last night, John W. McCain wrapped up the Republic nomination for President by winning enough delegates in Texas, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island to put him over the necessary number (1,191) needed to for the 2008 Presidential election.  

Today, at the White House, Presnit George W. Bush endorsed John W. McCain.

From CNN:

President Bush endorsed Sen. John McCain for president on Wednesday, saying the presumptive Republican nominee has the “character, courage and perseverance” to lead the country.

McCain thanked the president for his support and the work he has done in the Oval Office.

“I appreciate his endorsement, and I appreciate his service to our country,” said McCain, adding that he wanted Bush at his side as much as possible on the campaign trail.

“Whatever he wants me to do, I want him to win,” Bush said, who was challenged by McCain for the GOP nomination in 2000. But he said the 2008 run for the Oval Office was not his battle.

“It’s not about me. I’ve done my bit,” Bush said.

Addressing the calls for change in the presidential campaign, Bush said McCain would be steadfast to one of his administration’s policies.

“He’s not gonna change when it comes to taking on the enemy,” Bush said of the senator from Arizona.

Protecting the American people was the No. 1 job of a president and McCain understood that, Bush said.

“He’s gonna be a president who will bring determination to defeat an enemy,” Bush said.

EXPOSED: The REAL 2008 Oscar Best Picture Nominees

The News Corpse Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is proud to present its Oscar nominees for 2008.

The 1861 SOTU Speech by President Hillary Clinton

Crossposted at Daily Kos

Just as trouble was brewing in Fort Sumter, South Carolina — and consistent with her style to explain complicated issues to the nation and soothe inflamed passions — President Hillary Clinton made an important announcement from her weekend retreat just across the Patawmack River in the beautiful Ballston section of Arlington County in the State of Virginia.  

According to the Disassociated Press

Washington, DC, March 4, 1861 — After careful deliberations, President Hillary Clinton has concluded that the designation of United States as presently comprised of Northern states, Southern states, and Territories is not what the founding founders of the country intended.

She will address the United States Congress tonight at 9:00pm to give her reasoned, well thought-out, and intellectually coherent speech.

Several surprises are expected.  Her supporters are calling it the ‘A-House-Divided-Against-Itself-Can-Stand Speech.’

The Disunited States of America in 1861

How to Beat Obama: A ‘Money Plan’ for Hillary

I get emails every day.  Tons of them.  Most are from political organizations, newspapers, blogs, pollsters, and, yes, even from presidential candidates asking me for money.  Well, just as this story was breaking this afternoon, I received this email from Hillary Clinton herself

Dear JekyllnHyde,

We had a huge night last night — we won the biggest states and the most votes, and we are ahead in the overall race for delegates.  But this race is far from over.

We don’t have time to catch our breath — the next races are just three days away, and there are 10 more contests in February alone.

Let’s meet this moment with bold action worthy of those who have put their faith in us. We are setting a big goal for the next three days: raise $3 million to fund our history-making campaign.

Thank you,


Something, though, was missing from her email: it’s a bit vanilla.  And I, like many people, prefer Haagen Daaz’ creme brulee flavor.

The Definitive One-Minute Guide to Super Tuesday (w/Poll)

Crossposted at Daily Kos

What I wanna know is this: historically speaking, who’s supporting whom?  With conflicting signals coming from all over the blogosphere, I have compiled a simple guide for undecided voters so that they can make an informed decision tomorrow aka “The Mother of All Election Days.”

No need to read intricate health care proposals.  Or, trying to figure out who’s for or against granting drivers licenses to undocumented aliens.  Or, agonizing over as to who has more experience or better judgment.  Or, wasting your precious time listening to talking heads on this or that cable news show.  Or, keeping track of which of the numerous Kennedys is for Obama or for Hillary.    

Folks, it ain’t that difficult to figure all of this out.  

Simply read my one-minute guide and I’m hopeful that you’ll do the right thing.  

Learn How to Ski

1. Wear tight fitting jeans and a free Jacket from Marlboro Country.

2. Stand in middle of parking lot and take pictures of the mountains.

3. Get pissy with the Ticket Agent for not honoring your photocopied coupon.

4. Walk into Rental Shop and say every pair of boots hurts your feet.

5. Drag rental skis and poles across parking lot.

6. Lessons are for wimps…head immediately for the double black diamond slopes.

7. Leave all the buckles on your boots nice and loose.

8. Bend over at the hip, stick your poles through your arm pits, lean back and ask for a push from another skier.

9. If you see a tree or boulder aim for it, gravity is tricky, anything you aim for you’ll probably miss.

10. Big Air, you’ll probably catch some big air on the way down so now is a good time to try all of those tricks you’ve seen on the X Games.

11. Ignore all Ski Patrol signs, they are just the man tryin’ to keep you down.

12. Lift Line Etiquette – most people who have been standing in line for 20 minutes just love having you and your friends cut ahead of them by scooting under the rope.

13. Never look up the hill when traversing across a slope, it’s more fun to live dangerously.

14. Lodge Etiquette – take over two or three tables by covering them with crumpled napkins and spraying ketchup (preferably Heinz) all over.

15. At the end of the day it is considered good form to cry and throw your skis at the rental person.

16. On your way home be sure to stop at the local gas station and brag about the things you did.


Hi Judy this is Bridget from Curves

rinnnggg….ringggg…[machine answers]…[beep]

“Hi Judy this is Bridget from Curves!  I just wanted to let you know that your membership expired and I know you were on a really excellent program and were doing very well so I….”

[answer in male voice]

“Hi Bridget this is Judy!  Sign me up for a lifetime membership cuz I’m so out of shape I think it would take a whole team of Bridgets to fix me up!  Ha ha ha ha ha.  You have my information already just go ahead and charge it.  Now is there anything you can do about this hair on my lip?  And Bridget, we’ve known each other a long time, why you even call me at home to discuss the gym now right?!  So let me ask you…do you think I’m attractive?”


Majority Leader Dodd Must Be Replaced

August 3, 2008

Chris Dodd’s ascension to Senate Majority Leader after Harry Reid resigned that position in February 2008 was a time of great hope for the netroots.  His Presidential campaign was strong on the issues; while it did not catch fire with the public it brought him great esteem among the netroots.  When he defeated Joe Biden for the position by one vote, we expected great things from him.  Instead, the past six months have brough bitter disappointment.  It is time for him to resign.

Chris Dodd campaigned for President calling for an end to the occupation of Iraq and a restoration of the Constitution.  And yet, Chris Dodd has failed to prevent yet another appropriation — albeit a smaller one than requested — to keep troops in Iraq through the end of the year.  And he has been unable to prevent passage of a FISA bill that, while it does not offer immunity to telcos, also does not state unequivocally that the President was violating the law.  Finally, he called for funding for programs that would fight global warming, and none has been forthcoming.

We had the right to expect more.  Dodd didn’t deliver, and so he must go.

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