first my apologies if things are spellled wrong or if there are tipos, but i’m on the floor in the hall closet, an umbrella handle digging into my back, a string of garlic around my neck, typing as faast as i can, because… i’ve discovered something tonight… something horrrible and unthinkable… and i’m afraid if i go public with it… they’ll hunt me down and kill me.
my friends… WE ARE NOT ALONE.
there are other creatures, disguised to look just like us, with skin like ours and eyes like ours and a smell like ours, but when you ask them how barack obama would get a 5-2 split in the 3rd congressional district in pennsylvania… THEY DON’T KNOW!
fuck, they don’t even seem to CARE.
they also don’t seems to be obsessing about whether geranldine ferraro is a surrogate or a high level surrogate or a super secret surrogate or a fourth level cleric.
what planet are they from? how did they get here. WHAT DO THEY WANT?!?
these… fake human things… can’t tell me the date that texas will certify their caucuses… didn’t know the name of the cltv reporter who came forth with the leaked fake report of what barack obama’s campaign may of done that hillary clinton’s campaign might also have done… have no fucking clue what percentage of superdelegates it would take for either candidate to be able to buy a chinese chicken salad at the supermarket without having to pay the full sales tax.
i discovered these alien beings at something called a “dinner party”, which is hard to describe other than… deep breath… there are no computers and everyone has something called a name (which is like a screen name only without any numbers). i won’t go into the gory details of this “dinner party”, because they are too horrible to imagine, just know… i was forced to take a shower… with water… and soap.
but my the horror in my head and the reason for my current panic is this: they don’t understand the mortal danger we’re in.
see at one point i asked (i was under the table at this point, because i was freaked out by the lack of blinking cursors on their faces) what they planned to burn down or blow up when their choice of Democratic candidate did not win the nomination and they said… they said… NOTHING. THEY DIDN’T SEEM TO THINK IT WOULD BE THE END OF THE WORLD! DON’T THEY REALIZE THAT’S JUST WHAT THE TERRORISTS WANT… THAT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY WILL CEASE TO EXIST… THAT I’VE JUST WEE’D MY SELF HERE IN THE DARK.
oh, no… someone’s coming… footsteps… if these are my last words, please know… i love you best.
(no, not YOU, the one behind you)