Very exciting times here at the the bustling blog offices!
Last night, yours-truly opened the front door to find a phalanx of high-powered corporate executives in even HIGHER powered suits standing expectantly on my stoop.
Well, these executives wined and dined and seventy-two’d me (that’s three better then sixty-nine) and as the caviar and truffles settled in my befattened tummy… I made the morally difficult decision to accept corporate sponsorship for my ongoing efforts.
Now, I understand how you might worry that the influence of multinational conglomerates (specifically the bags of cash, the bright red porsche, and the women of extremely low morals) might change the very nature of this blog, but let me tell you… NAY, PROMISE… as sure as the delicious Whopper™ I’m eating has a third less fat than the Big Mac… I CANNOT be corrupted!
Besides, I’m telling you, as I sip down my frosty, refreshing Pepsi™ from its environmentally conscious soft-drink delivery container, the link between money and ethical lapses in judgement is HIGHLY EXAGGERATED.
Moreover, as the sweet Pepsi™ nectar drips down my parched throat, I wonder if those who suggest a writer or, say a politician, cannot see beyond the first class airfair and the mounds of cocaine the size of a wombat… isn’t really just pushing a distinctly anti-American agenda!
I mean, seriously, am I less authentic just because my behind is now being lovingly caressed in a new pair of four-hundred dollar Louis Vuitton man panties? And am I less a straight-shooter because my wrist sports a seven-thousand-dollar, one-of-kind, hand-crafted Louis Vuitton, diamond-studded bracelet now reduced 30%?
Come on, folks… are you really THAT shallow?
I know in my soul that I would NEVER censor myself…
never alter my agenda… never write so much as an
insincere syllable to please my new masters. How do
I know this? Well, I stayed at a Holiday Inn™ last night!
So, fear not dear reader… my integrity is untouched… my muse unaffected…
my purpose clear as my skin washed with Clearpores™.
Just feel free to sit back and enjoy continued unblemished humor…
while enjoying a juicy, low-in-fatty-acids Chicken Naturals Eater!
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…my new regional manager of sucking up to people.
What is this? I feel like I’m driving down f’ing main street. Can you turn down the neon just a little please? It’s very distracting… oh jeeeze ….screeeeech….thud-d-d-d, shit… now look what you made me do.
What’s the easiest way to clean sticky bits of corporate executive bone and flesh from my grill?
the night before. Because I can’t imagine ANYONE having this kind of snark so early in the morning.
But today’s edition goes so well with the story on “The Today Show” that I’m watching. I’m sure their corporate sponsors have nothing to do with the fact that, while “Rome burns,” they’re busy telling the story of an 11 year-old boy who got a butter knife stuck in his head…yeah, you read that right. And its all interspersed with pictures of the pope walking around with some chimp.
Well DONE Jeffrey! very, Very VERY Well Done!
::stands applauding::
Your Corporate Masters might be upset with you for this line.
It is apparent that you have not fully absorbed the corporate ethos. The word “morals” is no longer operative when sufficient numbers of bags of cash are involved.
At least they didn’t 68 you (that’s you do me and I’ll owe
you one)