What Obama SO MUST ABSOLUTELY EVER do tomorrow…

…in order be even VAGUELY viable in general election.

Well, he has to win by 20%, of course, but then he has to…

…stop global warming and successfully create a method for cold fusion and survive badly prepared, month-old, Japanese blowfish and say “Peter Pepper Picked a Peck of Pickled Pepper” a hundred times without messing up and redirect the movie Gigli so that it wins an Academy Award and go back in time to stop the Titanic from sinking and get a gay, muslim, Hermaphrodite elected Governor of Georgia and memorize all the lyrics to “American Pie” and run a marathon in under three hours and reunite Britney Spears and Kevin Federline (for the good of the children) and recover that rock that Mike Gravel threw into that lake and get Pluto reinstated as the either planet and lick his own elbow and figure out who is really in Grant’s Tomb and wear white after Labor Day and reverse global overpopulation and find a solution to the strife in the Middle East and create a Dodo Bird in a test-tube, thereby bringing the flightless waterfowl back from extinction and ride a hot-air balloon to the moon (where he will cut and eat a piece of moon cheese) and make Dennis Miller funny again and make the perfect latte with exactly the right amount of foam and impeach President Bush and get my son to stop preemptively invading sandboxes with a toy Uzi and have oral sex with a tiger and resist the charms of Larry Craig while sitting in a nearby bathroom stall and delete my fucking account, Kos and perform renal surgery on an alien and write another book for the New Testament and ensure the Chicago Cubs win the World Series this year.

THEN & ONLY then will he be a viable candidate the Superdelegates can feel free to back.

Oh, wait, just got a call from the media.

This is just the FIRST PAGE of the document.

Six more coming.

Apparently he’ll also have to…


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  1. true… not even Obama will EVER be able to make Dennis

    Miller funny again.  I’m afraid that’s the one step too


  2. Photobucket

    create a Dodo Bird in a test-tube, thereby bringing the flightless waterfowl back from extinction

    No.  I’ve got some creationists on the line who say the Dodo is NOT extinct.  Never was.  Never will be.  Extinction has now been overruled.  It’s just that they’re hiding (with Mullah Omar and OBL)…

    • pfiore8 on April 22, 2008 at 1:08 am

    and promising health care isn’t the truth, when we can’t pay for it.

    or bashing hillary isn’t getting it done either… who cares? what are the issues? like accountability… restoration of the balance of power… reining in free markets… stopping ethanol production. ending war profiteering and outsourcing of military and intelligence functions. the list is endless…………..

    i don’t hear any real stuff from anybody. nobody has the balls to approach the truth… even climate change. so what? when the oil corporations are in charge of policy… how do we get it done? tell me Mr. Gore. how????????????????? if Obama isn’t talking about SUV drivers paying way more at the pump and for insurance and a luxury tax, then why should i think he has what it takes.

    address the real issues. they do not include health care et al in the short and mid term. restoration of the functionality of our government is the thing… nothing gets done unless that is taken care of.

    tell the truth… that’s all he and all the other politicians need to do.

    ps… i think all dems and rethugs are full of baloney. call me cynical. what can i say?????????????

  3. LOL

  4. binge of the TV coverage of the PA primary along with Huffpo and Raw Story I have to say you have summed up all that I have heard.  My stomach is upset my heads about to explode and as far as I can see back room politics are going to prevail. I  turned off the freaken TV when I started thinking Tucker Carlson was a rational smart guy! Oh lord will I ever get my sanity back? I want this over….. No one seems to be willing to say Obama is winning, it’s just wall to wall tests of his electability and freaking Clinton’s wagging fingers and out Republicaning the Republicans. This essay is a good antidote. Need to sign off and do something other then this thanks Jeff I must have a life out there somewhere. Just one more peek at Armando and I promise I will find it.  


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