…in order be even VAGUELY viable in general election.
Well, he has to win by 20%, of course, but then he has to…
…stop global warming and successfully create a method for cold fusion and survive badly prepared, month-old, Japanese blowfish and say “Peter Pepper Picked a Peck of Pickled Pepper” a hundred times without messing up and redirect the movie Gigli so that it wins an Academy Award and go back in time to stop the Titanic from sinking and get a gay, muslim, Hermaphrodite elected Governor of Georgia and memorize all the lyrics to “American Pie” and run a marathon in under three hours and reunite Britney Spears and Kevin Federline (for the good of the children) and recover that rock that Mike Gravel threw into that lake and get Pluto reinstated as the either planet and lick his own elbow and figure out who is really in Grant’s Tomb and wear white after Labor Day and reverse global overpopulation and find a solution to the strife in the Middle East and create a Dodo Bird in a test-tube, thereby bringing the flightless waterfowl back from extinction and ride a hot-air balloon to the moon (where he will cut and eat a piece of moon cheese) and make Dennis Miller funny again and make the perfect latte with exactly the right amount of foam and impeach President Bush and get my son to stop preemptively invading sandboxes with a toy Uzi and have oral sex with a tiger and resist the charms of Larry Craig while sitting in a nearby bathroom stall and delete my fucking account, Kos and perform renal surgery on an alien and write another book for the New Testament and ensure the Chicago Cubs win the World Series this year.
THEN & ONLY then will he be a viable candidate the Superdelegates can feel free to back.
Oh, wait, just got a call from the media.
This is just the FIRST PAGE of the document.
Six more coming.
Apparently he’ll also have to…