Author's posts
Apr 14 2008
OK… see… I wasn’t TECHNICALLY lying…
…when I failed to mention that, along with you, I was also dating five other women, three of them pregnant via me, two close relatives (your sister is SO much hotter than I first thought), and my wife of eighteen years. See, though nothing I said was accurate, I was simply employing enhanced truth-telling techniques, which, apparently, President George Bush approved from the oval office!
Apr 13 2008
Palm open, fingers outstretched.
One of the very first film scripts I ever wrote contained the following exchange between a twelve year-old son (Christopher) and his father (Aaron):
AARON: Open your hand.
Aaron places a stone into Christopher’s palm; its smooth, sanded granite.
CHRISTOPHER: (confused) It’s a rock.
AARON: No. It’s your ability to love.
Christopher looks up.
AARON: Given to you at birth. Yours to offer up to others. You’ll say, “Look at this. Isn’t it something. Take it. Hold it.” Some will treasure it. Most will abuse it. They’ll scratch it or bust off a chunk. They’ll take another’s stone without ever telling and then they’ll cast yours aside. And each time you get hurt, you’ll naturally want to share it less and you might even be tempted to ball your hand into a fist and lock it away for good. Don’t do that, Christopher. That’s death.
CHRISTOPHER: Death?
AARON: Close your palm up and you’re no longer living.
Aaron spreads Christopher’s fingers.
AARON: This is how you live your life. Palm open, fingers outstretched.
Apr 02 2008
Do Children Dream of Phallic Sheep?
Title with apologies to Phillip K. Dick.
All other apologies to ye who further enter, for, beyond possible prurient amusement, there is absolutely no political value to what’s below the fold.
But this is the day of the fool, a role I’ve chosen to play often.
Anyway, consider yourself warned.
Mar 28 2008
Wherein I pay tribute to “The Pausererer”.
So, recently White House Butt-Coverer-in-Chief Dana Perino told the press…
“The President gets a report about every single soldier that passes away and he always pauses a moment to think about them and to offer a prayer for their loved ones and their family friends.”
Ignoring, for now, the phrase “passes away” (as if the dead soldiers in question gently slipped away in their sleep at the reasonable old age of nineteen) its important to note the TREMENDOUS SACRIFICE of our current leader, who goes to the extraordinary measure of… “pausing”… for each and every casualty of his civilwacuppation.
And “pausing” is just the start…
Mar 26 2008
Barack Obama will NEVER sign an arms treaty with Boris Yeltsin!
…but Hillary Clinton MIGHT, because she actually KNOWS the President of Russia, having seen “into his soul” (as our current President might say) during her eight years as our Commander-In-Chief of The White House Lawn Egg Rolling Bregade.
Unlike Senator Obama, Ms. Clinton has a PERSONAL relationship with Boris and therefore need simply pick up that red phone and… well… call a psychic hotline.
Because, of course, Yeltsin bit the dust in 2007.
Mar 25 2008
I’M WRITING THIS DIARY UNDER VERY HEAVY SNIPER FIRE!!!
YOU’LL HAVE TO EXCUSE THE ALL CAPS, BUT ITS THE ONLY WAY I
CAN BE READ WITH ALL THIS HORRIBLE SNIPER FIRE AROUND ME!
THE SHOOTING IS SO TERRIBLE THAT THE CHOPIN PLAYING ON MY
IPOD HERE HAS SKIPPED TWICE!! YOU KNOW DEATH CAN’T BE FAR
OFF WHEN THE MINUTE WALTZ GETS ALL SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP LIKE THIS!!!
Mar 21 2008
Iraq Liveblogging the liveblog of this Iraq Essay
1:15 PM: Write title, “Liveblogging this Essay”. Consider whether it’s eye-catching enough. Decide on “Liveblogging the Liveblog of This Live Essay” to give it a “what-the-fuck-is-dude-talking about” effect.
2:16 PM Smile. Take a long deep breath and congratulate self. Eat two Whatchamacallit bars as a reward for a job well done.
2:21 PM: Return to intro, crafting joke with either “platypus” or “marsupial” as punchline. Vacillate… platypus… marsupial… marsupial… platypus. Ditch both in favor of “Sea Cucumber Salad”.
Mar 20 2008
“These are not the blacks you’re looking for.”
Um, I’m sorry. There seems to be some kind of mistake.
When we talked about being open to having… what do you call them… “African-Americans” in leadership positions we were talking about the OTHER KIND.
The “ain’t no big thang” kind.
You know… happy black folk!
Mar 18 2008
Wherein I burnish my parenting credentials…
I know on a day like today one should say something brilliant or witty or insightful on Obama’s speech, but I’ve committed to be the class clown even on heady days and so I offer up my darkest moment of political fatherhood…
With that out of the way…
Mar 16 2008
im typing this from inside my closet
first my apologies if things are spellled wrong or if there are tipos, but i’m on the floor in the hall closet, an umbrella handle digging into my back, a string of garlic around my neck, typing as faast as i can, because… i’ve discovered something tonight… something horrrible and unthinkable… and i’m afraid if i go public with it… they’ll hunt me down and kill me.
my friends… WE ARE NOT ALONE.
Mar 14 2008
What I expect from MY $5,500-a-night-hooker.
Well, the sex thing, of course.
But not just “sex”… rattle-the-teeth-loose-from-my-jaw, curl-the-hair-on-my-head, cover-
the-sheets-in-every-known-human-liquid, eyes-rolling-back-in-my-skull, lungs-emptying-
of-air, screaming-exclamations-to-a-God-I-previously-didn’t-believe-existed-sex.
Then, with THAT formality out of the way…