YOU’LL HAVE TO EXCUSE THE ALL CAPS, BUT ITS THE ONLY WAY I
CAN BE READ WITH ALL THIS HORRIBLE SNIPER FIRE AROUND ME!
THE SHOOTING IS SO TERRIBLE THAT THE CHOPIN PLAYING ON MY
IPOD HERE HAS SKIPPED TWICE!! YOU KNOW DEATH CAN’T BE FAR
OFF WHEN THE MINUTE WALTZ GETS ALL SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP LIKE THIS!!!
AND I’M NOT JUST WORRIED ABOUT MYSELF, I’M ALSO TERRIFIED FOR
MY PEDICURIST STEPHAN WHO IS SO RATTLED HE COMPLETELY SCREWED
UP THE FRENCH TIP ON MY PINKY TOE!!!!
HILLARY CLINTON IS ALSO HERE AND I CAN TELL YOU SHE’S BEING VERY BRAVE!!!!!
SHE’S NOT SPILLED ONE DROP OF ORANGE ESSENCE CAMOMILE TEA, NOR HAS
SHE GOTTEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF CREAM CHEESE FROM THE PEACE-SIGN
SHAPED CUCUMBER SANDWICHES ON HER CHEEK!!!!!!
BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER SHE AND I CAN HOLD ON! AFTER ALL
WE OPENED A BOTTLE OF PINOT NOIR IN THE KITCHEN A HALF HOUR AGO AND
EVEN WITH THIS TERRIFYING SNIPER FIRE WE CAN’T POSSIBLY LET IT BREATHE FOR
TOO MUCH LONGER BEFORE THE NOSE WILL ABSOLUTELY CLASH WITH THE
CRISPY TANG OF THE BRI DE MELON!!!!!!!
OH, GOD… SHE’S STANDING NOW. SHE’S DONNING HER KEVLAR PANTS SUIT,
ABOUT TO MAKE A MAD DASH FOR APPETIZERS!!!!!!!!!
DEAR GOD, SHE’S PICKED UP THE EIGHT YEAR-OLD NEIGHBOR AND IS USING
HER FOR COVER! SHE’S HOLDING THE LITTLE GIRL IN FRONT OF HER LIKE A
PRE-PUBESCENT MEAT SHIELD!!!!!!!!!
OH– OH NO! SHE’S BEEN SHOT!!!!! BLOOD!!!!!!! THERE’S BLOOD ON HER COLLAR!!!!
IT’S DICK CHENEY! IN THE WATCHTOWER!!!!! WITH A BAZOOKA!!!!!!!
SAY A PRAYER, DEAR FRIENDS, FOR THIS MAY BE THE LAST YOU SEE OF
THE JUNIOR SENATOR FROM NEW YORK AND THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES OF…
WHAT?!?!?!?
HUH?!?!
OH.
So, um… it appears that… um… it wasn’t sniper fire but a bad fan belt on the refrigerator.
And the blood… cocktail sauce… for the shrimp… flown in from Alaska.
Never (cough) mind (cough).
23 comments
Skip to comment form
Author
a freak…
and i love your essays
Fear not. Reinforcements and creme brules are on their way!
I blame Bush
sick bastard tee hee hee hee. I do so love your writing!!
read this last night – hilarious. Thanks. I am leaving now to try to find a yellow suit for myself.
Are you sure the wasn’t MARKOS MOULITSAS! In the next STALL!! With a SQUIRMY ROOTER!!!
Ok. I’m banned. I can live with that. Orange wasn’t my favorite color anyway.
;-);-);-)
Shanti.
I have to get alla my shit offa dis company gomputer. It’s got a virus and of course the record of every keystroke ever typed on it. The Microshaft colonoscopy effect I like to call it. Insert rectal probe to proceed.
Know where I can get a new job?
Whoops I misspoke again. I meant to say very funny!
has one huge wagging tail, and it seems to be red and blue. Funny. I love it when I come upon your silly diaries or essays, they inject some perspective into this surreal primary, not to mention there funny!