Barack Obama will NEVER sign an arms treaty with Boris Yeltsin!

…but Hillary Clinton MIGHT, because she actually KNOWS the President of Russia, having seen “into his soul” (as our current President might say) during her eight years as our Commander-In-Chief of The White House Lawn Egg Rolling Bregade.

Unlike Senator Obama, Ms. Clinton has a PERSONAL relationship with Boris and therefore need simply pick up that red phone and… well… call a psychic hotline.

Because, of course, Yeltsin bit the dust in 2007.

Hillary Clinton also has the the “experiential” inside track, with the help of a Ouija board, to broker a middle east peace agreement with Jordanian King Hussein.

(Though, having played with a Ouija as a kid, its REALLY hard to assertain if the board is saying, “The Iranians recognize Israel’s right to exist,” or “Cindy should go to second base with Billy… and under the bra even!”)

Also on the Hillary-Clinton-once-wore-funny-ceremonial-hats-near, but-can-now-only-be-spoken-to-with-help-from-a-fake-TV medium list:

Indian Prime Minister P.V. Narasimha Rao… who bought the farm and paid cash.

Bosnian President Alija Izetbegovic… who once had avarice, but is now cadaverous.

Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat… who currently is resting at room temperature.

Saudi King Fahd… now dirt napping, unlikely to wake any time soon.

Indonesian President Suharto… who has exited, stage left.

Japanese Prime Minister Ryutaro Hashimoto… who has taken the eternal deep bow.

And the dead people gap is NOTHING compared to the Hillary Clinton’s irrelevancy chasm.

Ms. Clinton, in her eight years as Join Chief of Tree Lighting Ceremonies, had extensive dealings with the following list of people currently perfecting their bingo, sitting on the front porch watching tumbleweeds, or trying to reach a three handicap at golf.

Czech Prime Minister Milos Zeman – retired.

Turkish Prime Minister Tansu Ciller – retired.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair – resigned.

South African President Nelson Mandela – retired.

Chinese President Jiang Zemin – retired

Philippine President Fidel Ramos – retired

German Chancellor Helmut Kohl – retired

French President Jacques Chirac – retired.

Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo – retired

Brazilian President Fernando Henrique Cardoso – retired.

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien – retired.

Australian Prime Minister Paul Keating – retired.

Argentine President Carlos Menem – retired, under investigation for fraud.

So… there you have it folks.

Barack Obama doesn’t have a Turdblossom’s chance at St. Peter’s gates.

Because AS SOON AS THE MEDIA CHOOSES TO REPORT THIS (wink, wink) the American people know that the future of the world, and therefore the future of this great country will be decided by the one time Head of the China Pattern Picking Branch of the American Government and The Now Dead or Irrelevant Leaders of the World!


  1. …compiled the actual FACTS in this essay.

  2. …what worries me more is that no matter who is elected, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin will not be asked to play a single inaugural ball.

  3. Also retired, but not retired enough.

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