William F. Buckley: We are so delighted to have you here, Mr. Gore. I seldom see another conservative like myself with maudlin thoughts dressed up in convoluted prose that the Great Unwashed don’t understand. Your obfuscation of the issues is majestic. You even managed to be elected president as a [heh heh] Democrat. Took Scalia to overrule the electorate. But perhaps you will tell us why, as one of us, you despise environmentalism so much. Is it because you are looking forward to owning ocean front property in Tennessee?
Al Gore: Thank you, Mr. Buckley. You have to understand the strategy. I couldn’t go out and shoot an endangered kildeer like George Bush. Who would believe I was too dumb not to know what I was doing? I don’t really understand why a few conservatives like yourself actually care about preserving spotted owls and polar bears. Who needs them? So I tell people that I am really big on solar energy. When the whole planet is a barren waste without trees and few people except us very rich, superior middle class folks with underground shelters, we will be able to easily afford solar power at any price. Is it sentimentality that makes you Buckleys actually favor conservation like that old cowboy progressive president, Teddy Roosevelt? Haven’t we gone way beyond such drivel?
William F. Buckley: [Mr. Buckley’s face grimaces in pain, as it often does. Buckley looks constipated as always when he searches for a bon mot that few listeners understand but are sure is brilliant. None comes. Al Gore has left even William F. Buckley speechless with his brilliance.] I will let my faux liberal partner continue the questioning.
Michael Kinsley: Let’s talk about using the courts to overrule the Constitution that those old dead liberals wrote. Even you wouldn’t have thought to appoint Antonin Scalia to the Supreme Court that Daniel Patrick Moynihan applauded so enthusiastically at the time. I don’t think you are smarter than me.
[A food fight erupts.]