Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links? Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong. Zika outbreak forces India’s Tata Motors to rename car Indian car manufacturer Tata Motors has confirmed it …
Tag: the Onion
Feb 03 2016
Jan 28 2016
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links? Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong. Hillary Clinton Laughs When Asked if She Will Release Transcripts of Her Goldman Sachs Speeches After Hillary …
Jan 23 2016
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links? Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong. Newly Discovered Trench In Loch Ness Is Just The Right Size For A Monster A boat captain …
Dec 23 2015
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links? Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong. At lottery-fixing trial, prosecutor wants Bigfoot kept out IOWA CITY, Iowa — Three friends involved in buying …
Dec 11 2015
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links? Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong. Connecticut teen tests fire-breathing, turkey-roasting drone Richard Weizel, Reuters MILFORD, Conn. (Reuters) – A young Connecticut man …
Nov 18 2015
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links? Another easy one with a 50 / 50 shot at being correct. GOP Warns Refugees Likely To Be Driven To Terrorism By Way America Would Treat Them CHARLESTON, SC—Declaring that opening the nation’s doors to displaced Syrians posed a major security threat, GOP …
Oct 12 2015
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links?
Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong.
An Indiana woman says her training in medieval combat helped her corner a home intruder.
The Indianapolis Star reports 43-year-old Karen Dolley of Indianapolis threw punches until she had the man cornered during the Thursday night break-in. She then kept him subdued with a Japanese sword she keeps near her bed.
Dolley says she learned to fight as a teenager in the Society for Creative Anachronism, a group that recreates skills of the Middle Ages. She also skates with roller derby team Naptown Roller Girls.
Police responding to Dolley’s 911 call arrested 30-year-old Jacob Wessel of Greenwood, charging him with residential entry. Police say he forced open the home’s back door. Police reports say he was taken to a hospital because he was high on an unknown substance.
LOS ALTOS, CA-Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday. “With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,”
ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day. “The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets.
The results speak for themselves.” Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.
Oct 02 2015
ROSEBURG, OR-In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
“This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Lindsay Bennett, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.”
At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past six years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Aug 07 2015
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links.
I know I know, not much of a challenge.
But these are fun for me and you still have a 50 / 50 shot of being wrong.
BURLINGTON, VT-After accepting a check sent to his campaign office by a local elementary school teacher, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was roundly criticized Monday as being firmly in the pocket of the high-rolling educator who had donated $300.
“He might have the reputation of being the people’s candidate, but when your candidacy is effectively bankrolled by the multi-hundred-dollar donation of a fourth-grade teacher, it’s clear who’s really pulling the strings,” said political analyst Peter Mathews, who noted that when a check arrives with a handwritten note that says “Behind you 100 percent, Bernie!” it comes with certain expectations.
“He’s already spouting off talking points about supporting unions and increasing funding for education. Where do you think he got those ideas? He might think he’s not influenced by that money, but when someone has deep enough pockets to drop $300, you pick up the phone when they call.”
Mathews went on to say he wouldn’t be surprised if Sanders’ strong support for a living wage could be directly traced to the fat $20 contribution he got from a fast-food worker.
VICTORY TOWNSHIP, MI – Here’s a way to boost interest in local government: potato salad.
A township board in northern Michigan held a lakeside picnic Monday before its regular meeting. After an hour of hot dogs and side dishes, the Pledge of Allegiance was recited and the Victory Township board meeting was officially in order.
The Ludington Daily News says about two dozen people attended the picnic and meeting at Upper Hamlin Lake in Mason County. Only three people attended the June meeting at the township hall.
There were reports from law enforcement and a lake preservation group. The board also discussed a junk ordinance.
Jul 13 2015
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links.
This one should be easy but then again… Well you have a 50 / 50 shot at least.
HOUSTON-More than three decades after the song was a chart-topping smash and became an instant classic-rock staple, ZZ Top finally revealed to fans Tuesday the meaning behind its iconic hit “Legs.”
“People have been coming up with all these crazy interpretations for 30 years, so we’ve finally decided to just come out and say that the song’s about a woman’s sexy legs and how much they make us want her sexually,” said lead vocalist Billy Gibbons, acknowledging that spelling out the meaning of “Legs” might take away from its longstanding mystique.
“If the song means something else to you, that’s still cool, but there were lots of people who wanted to know what we were driving at.” Gibbons went on to say, however, that most of ZZ Top’s songs, such as the anti-apartheid anthem “Tush,” were pretty straightforward.
EAST DUNDEE, Ill. (AP) – The owner of a suburban Chicago pub that has held an annual Turkey Testicle Festival for 32 years isn’t testy at all that a nearby community plans to host its own celebration of the unusual dish this November. J.R. Westberg, who owns the Parkside Pub in Huntley, told The Daily Herald that his only criticism of East Dundee’s plan for its own event the day before Thanksgiving is the organizers’ lack of originality. They gave it the exact same name and scheduled it for the same date and time
The Huntley festival often attracts more than 4,000 people to snack on the deep-fried turkey bits, which some attendees consider a “dare food” and prefer doused in ranch dressing or Tabasco sauce. East Dundee businessman Cliff Surges says there’s enough interest to support both festivals and that the new one will target a different demographic. Surges hopes to draw 1,000 to 2,000 people to East Dundee’s event, which he says will be “family-oriented.”
Like the Huntley festival, the new one will raise money for charity. “It’s one of those silly things you can have some fun with and do some good with,” Surges said.
Jul 09 2015
Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links.
Hint: It has nothing to do with gardening.
WILLIMANTIC, Conn.- The town’s annual Independence Day parade once again will include the traditional Little League teams, floats sponsored by local businesses, fire trucks and politicians. But, for the 30th consecutive year, there will be no marching bands.
In what has become an offbeat tradition, the participants and the spectators will instead be carrying radios tuned to the same local station, which will provide traditional marching music. More than 5,000 people are expected to attend the town’s annual Boom Box Parade, which kicks off at 11 a.m. Saturday.
“I didn’t think the idea would work,” said Wayne Norman, the WILI-AM radio personality who has served as grand marshal for all 30 parades. “I didn’t think people would get the concept. Boy was I wrong.”
The parade dates to 1986, when the town couldn’t find an available marching band for its Memorial Day parade. Organizer Kathy Clark approached the radio station for help. Station officials said it was too late to organize and publicize for that holiday, but they began planning with Clark for July Fourth, and the tradition was born.
Norman said the staging area was empty two hours before the parade but by the time it was ready to start more than 2,000 people were there, all carrying boom boxes.
Norman said there were some evolutionary pains as the portable radios, ubiquitous in the 1980s, went the way of the cassette tape and were replaced by iPods and other portable electronic devices.
He said any radio or device with a speaker and a way to access the radio station is welcome. “We ask people to please not wear headphones,” he said. “We don’t outlaw them, but it kind of defeats the purpose.”
The parade, he said, celebrates independence in all its connotations. There is no registration to march. Anyone can participate, and people are free to bring signs, promote causes, even advertise for their businesses.
Norman said that in an ironic twist the Windham High School band, which was not around to march in 1986, this year provided a recorded piece that will be played during the parade.
A lot of groups just have fun with the event. That would include the Traveling Fish Head Club of Northeastern Connecticut, which Norman said walks up from the nearby Hop River to join the parade disguised as a giant fish made from wood, wire and papier-mache. “We don’t have many rules,” Norman said. “We just ask people to wear red, white and blue and bring a flag and a radio.”
Members of the state legislature and Congress and the governor often march in the parade, though Norman said they usually get a bigger turnout of politicians during an election year.
U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal shows up every year. He said he loves the parade because it has a spirit that is quintessentially American. “It’s good old Connecticut ingenuity,” he said. “Let’s use boom boxes if we can’t have a band. Let’s make do. Let’s invent. Our ingenuity will make it happen.”
SALMON, Idaho- It is not easy being a vampire, and even harder to come out of the coffin to a physician or therapist for fear they will misinterpret the habit of ingesting the blood of willing donors or succumb to stereotyping, a study finds.
Research led by D.J. Williams, director of social work at Idaho State University, indicated that people who identify themselves as “real” vampires – that is, needing others’ blood to gain energy – would not disclose their practices to those in the helping professions and risk reactions like ridicule, disgust and possible diagnosis of a mental illness.
The paper, published in the latest issue of Critical Social Work, a peer-reviewed journal based in Canada, found that authentic vampires as opposed to “lifestyle” vampires – black-clad figures with phony fangs – might be stereotyped by clinicians whose fields discourage biases.
Williams, who has studied self-identified vampires for nearly a decade, finds they come from every walk of life and profession, including doctors, attorneys and candlestick makers.
“They are successful, ordinary people,” he said. Except they are very, very tired. That’s apparently the chief reason they find a consenting adult willing to allow them to use a scalpel to make a tiny incision in the chest area so they can ingest a small amount of blood for energy, the study found.
Williams and another researcher based the paper on the responses of 11 people who had identified themselves as vampires for many years and could be relied on to be open and honest, and who gain permission from practicing adults before ingesting their blood, he said.
“The real vampire community seems to be a conscientious and ethical one,” Williams said. The challenge is finding non-judgmental clinicians to whom vampires can disclose their alternative lifestyles, he added. “Most vampires believe they were born that way; they don’t choose this,” Williams said.
The global vampire population is thought to number in the thousands, he said.
ARNOLDS PARK, IA- Appearing at a campaign event in the early primary state, real estate mogul and presidential candidate Donald Trump told an assembled group of dairy farmers Monday that his cows were 500 times bigger than theirs.
“Your cows are small and scrawny, and you should be embarrassed to milk them,” said Trump, adding that each of his cows was the size of “at least” a dozen Cadillacs and had “udders that’ll make your head spin.” “No one raises dairy cows as gigantic or successful as I do; everyone knows that. My cattle are winners, and you people would be lucky to have them graze here.”
Chatting with patrons at a diner later in the day, Trump reportedly said the apple pie was a disgrace and that his pies were a mile wide, with a perfect crust that made all the losers jealous.
Oct 02 2011
BREAKING: Witnesses reporting screams and gunfire heard inside Capitol building.
BREAKING: Capitol building being evacuated. 12 children held hostage by group of armed congressmen. #CongressHostage
Arlington gun shop confirms Rep. @EricCantor bought 6 semi-automatic handguns, 3 rifles & 600 clips of ammo last month #CongressHostage
Extra demands include transport to Dulles airport with fueled-up private jet waiting on runway. McCain expected to fly it. #CongressHostage
Obama on bullhorn: “John, I know you can hear me in there. Please, you don’t need to do this.” #CongressHostage
Typical of most “very serious” bureaucracies the US Capitol Police released a statement to the press that gave the tweets and the story credibility as reported by the “very serious” Politico:
It has come to our attention that recent twitter feeds are reporting false information concerning current conditions at the U.S. Capitol. Conditions at the U.S. Capitol are currently normal. There is no credibility to these stories or the twitter feeds. The U.S. Capitol Police are currently investigating the reporting.
Of course Talking Points Memo, in need of some “very serious” news for today, ran with the story on their front page and, of course no one would talk to their reporter:
When contacted by TPM, Sgt. Schneider declined to comment on what the Capitol Police might be doing to investigate the matter, saying that the police do not discuss the preliminary stages of a law enforcement investigation.
The Onion has not immediately responded to TPM’s request for comment.
Anyway, according to the latest Tweets from The Onion, the 4 PM deadline has passed and, as is typical of this Congress:
UPDATE: Hostage Negotiation Talks Stall In Congress #CongressHostage
This hostage situation could go on for months or years. We’ll keep you updated on what the “very serious” people in our Nation’s Capitol are doing to end this stand off.
h/t Talking Points Memo DC for the screen shot of The Onion‘s Front Page