not again

I was hoping this would get better. I was hoping for some kind of help or improvement.

This went on for years.

Tonight, I gave up for the last time.

This isn’t some kind of prima donna histrionics.

This is just a final failure of trust.

This is a kind of death. I can’t trust him any more. It’s gone on too long.

And here’s the poem. It’s just history now.

But it’s a good poem. I like this poem. I can find some love in it. But, oh, god. Why do people have to give up on each other? Why is love so often considered irrelevant?

I HATE having to do this, but it’s on the plate.  

My life is getting a bit better.

I hope yours is too.

I like you a lot.

I think you’re a really neat person.

It worries me that some of your friends have turned into my enemies.

When I see you, visceral things kick in. They are like lightning.

Or maybe submerged thunder. But anyway, it’s rough.

There were places we went, and stuff we looked at,

And when you almost fell off the mountain, and scrabbled with your feet almost without noticing,

that was pretty cool.

And then there were the times we talked about cruelty

and how bad that is

and how one should always watch out for these things, and

try to cure them,

try to prop up your sick friends,

try to make them whole again.

So, is it all over now, baby blue?

All of that?

All of this life and kindness and love and convention and pain?

All of this ripping?

You showed me once, how to cut an onion.

This way, and that, and how to parse it properly.

You taught me how to brown vegetables in the cast iron frying pan

You taught me how to cook.

I cannot cut an onion without thinking about you.

What am I to do with this?

You stole chile from me, too.

You and your tequila concoctions.

You and your chocolate and chile; you’ve stolen it all,

and you haven’t left me much to work with

for putting it together again.

Yeah, you’re friendly

when you have time

when you’re not busy

You’re a nice person

no question about that.

No question about that.

But there’s still too much of my life

that is all about you

And how do I divorce myself from your primateur

without betraying you

You who have managed, perhaps inadvertently

to drive yourself into my gut

into my nut

into the part that grows again

when anything grows again

if anything grows again.

And yeah, sure it will

I will grow again

I don’t like to whine.

But I don’t want to lose you, either.

I’d like to keep at least a trace.

Something to think about in the bad mornings

Someone to remember when he was funny

When he looked at me like some kind of

beloved kid sister.

And said “We love you, Miep, but you’re really weird.”

Parrot tulip


Skip to comment form

    • Miep on November 24, 2009 at 11:06
    • mango on November 24, 2009 at 11:42

    My ex husband of 40 years is dying and is just a shell of a person now.  I miss the good we had and try to avoid thinking of the bad.  I’m alone in another country with a different language and customs.  The holidays are very hard.

    Heartbreak and loss indeed.

    • mango on November 24, 2009 at 14:43

    your kind words Miep.  I just write what I feel and never really thought about it being worth while.  

    I do have a good life here, but now is so sad for me.  My ex called me in May and said the doctors had found a mass on his lung.  Not much they could do as it was an asbestos caused cancer.  He moved to Wisconsin with his girl friend and that is where he wanted to be.

    Three weeks ago my step daughter flew from Seattle to Wisconsin and told him she was taking him to Hawaii.  He was excited.  Instead she brought him to her home to die.  My grand daughter told me he was crying.  He is now in her home and has lost whatever faculties he had a few weeks ago.  I am the evil step mother so am not allowed any contact with him.

    Thank god my step grand daughter connected with me and she will tell me when he goes.

    This is why I am sad.  He is not where he ever wanted to be as we used to joke about ending up under her care.  It’s about the money he has, and she is his only child.

    I just wish it would end for him.  He deserves respect and the right to die where he chooses.

    Sorry for rambling, but I’m really hurting for him now.

    • Inky99 on November 24, 2009 at 20:46

    yet be completely incompatible with them.

    I’ve been through that.

    It’s difficult to accept but you’re better off to put yourself on the path to acceptance, which is a tough road to walk.

  1. relationships boundaries are important. If your whole being losses it’s shape you can become a ghost a reflection. Of course the other side of the coin is we really are all connected so it’s a hard balance to maintain. Disconnecting is the hardest part. Bits and pieces of you scattered everywhere.

    The Holidays do suck. Such a false concept that we feel compelled to gather with families we have or have not and participate in consumption, or feel guilt or self pity when our real situations aren’t like the pictures of Norman Rockwell or other fantasies we cook up..  My best ever Christmas was last year, it snowed and those on my street who were off to far flung corners for family gatherings could not fly so we all had a potluck using what ever we had available. It seemed so natural not all about consuming but about sharing.

    Families are complicated and in this age and culture our holiday rituals are strange concoctions and connections fraught with a lot of pain and consumption. I never did buy the Santa Claus story.          

    • mango on November 25, 2009 at 03:48

    I’m cooking a turkey breast.  Stuffing, mashed potatoes, and everything else.  Just for me and anyone who happens to drop in.

Comments have been disabled.