“You’re Alone Now”

“You’re alone now!”

That’s what a friend of mine said to me, many many years ago, when I was doing one of those back and forth style break-ups. You now, I kept taking him back. Lucy and Charlie Brown and the football.

Charlie Brown Pictures, Images and Photos

And she was right. She was right then and she’s right again, now, in my head.

I guess it’s my turn to spill my guts in a political blog which has become my community. Oh, I’ll go talk, in detail, with my Babes Forum, they’ve known gory details for the past 5 or 6 years, and they’ll be supportive. They always are.

Here… I have to hand it to both Translator and Ministry of Truth, who have outted themselves (!) with their personal woes yet somehow managed to spare us an overload of details. (Sometimes I wonder how many of us are “walking wounded”.) I’m not so good at that, so I just censor myself altogether. It’s easier.

Because … it’s complicated.

But, then again, on another level, it’s really not. It’s about Power. Again. Money. Control.

I don’t have any.

Bob(DH) and I have been married 17 years, lived together closer to 20. Our daughter is 12.  We work things out. Usually. Maybe this will gloss over. Again.

But I am tired. I don’t think I want to do this any more. Can I resign? Well, I work, or I used to, but I gradually started giving up and slacking off b/c I got tired of the indentured servant shit. You know, the no pay thing, unless you count (he does) my “room and board” and … well … stupid details. (*and cigarettes, a huge debate on a daily basis).

He works a regular “day job” (band director in a school) AND a “second job” i.e. gigs. My “job” is basically Office Manager for his gig self employment job. In reality but not on paper. No pay. No money for me. I do not have a bank account or a credit card in my name.

Believe me, some of the details I’m editing out are… the past 5 years or so, I have argued my case into the ground. He needs to PAY me, etc. He wont budge. And a bunch of other crap.

And, trust me, I’ve analyzed it to death too. I understand the resentments and all that crap. Well, so fucking what? Grow up.

So … Im just tired.

My 1990 Honda has been “in the shop” for over a year, got a new engine overhaul, but it still ain’t right. Our mechanic is… a “friend”. whatevah. Our second old car died back in March, so in June, we finally bought a new car. One car to share then.

So. We have this “Tenant” in our garage apartment (for 7 or 8 years!!). I call him the Yard Nazi (a la Soup Nazi, h/t Seinfeld). He’s a total asshole and a freeloader who has not paid his rent in over 8 months. Original deal was “Barter” for home repair and remodeling projects, and yard work. So thats a whole ‘nother sub-plot and the source of my grief yesterday. Dumbass. Every time I try to evict him, DH undoes me.

Anyway.

I need a job.

And a car.

And some shoes. I don’t even have one decent pair of fucking shoes.

Of course, DH says, all I have to do is ask.

Well, I’m tired of asking begging. I’m tired of being forced to argue my case and justify why I am deserving of something as simple as a decent pair of shoes.

I have yet another Clinic appt tomorrow, follow up for my broken wrists (accident, August 18) which are healing well but not there yet, and no way to get there. Will have to ask beg someone to give me a ride. No hands. No car. No Resume to speak of (havent worked Real Job since 1995).

So. There it is. The short, edited, censored version of why I feel so pained and indignant over all the injustices that have been and continue to be done in my name and on my behalf by The Powers That Be.

I just want my own personal power back.

That’s all. Not asking for much, eh.

Why does this have to be so hard?

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33 comments

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  1. Photobucket

  2. you just have to let it out.

    Photobucket

    sorry for the dump. but I needed to unload.

    Diane, I saw your essay.

    I just cant. Go there. Today.

    .

    I gotta go do some housework now. 😛

  3. Shoes, here’s some shoes.

    Photobucket

    If you wear these shoes, he will give you all the money you want.

    ‘Course then the problem becomes how to get the $$ to buy the shoes so he will give you all his money.

    Have to wonder what it was like in the olden days when women had to figure out ingenious ways to get money from men, be they fathers, brothers, husbands – during a time when women couldn’t have bank accounts or own property.

    I’m sure they had some tricks that have never been written down and are now lost to the mists of history.

    But really … these shoes … they are the answer.

    heh.

  4. he might make some demands on the income but then again five years or more of free work provided by you should be enough to cover the food and gas or to cover the large unexpected things. I would think that you could have some way of managing your money. What does Bob say when you propose to get a job so you can have your own means to live independent of his?

    • Edger on October 22, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    pay yourself and buy some boots instead of shoes.

    Oh, and tip yourself on the way out too… so you can pay the rent elsewhere.

  5. equal partnership so can’t really understand all that.  But I’m pretty big, if you want to send him over I’ll straighten him out for ya!  

  6. Are you my sister? Naa! She’s been putting up with the same control freak for 40 years.

    You need some serious help! You are married and where I am everything is community property, meaning half of it is yours. Try to make a copy of his bank statement/ savings account/ 401k etc. to see how much is in there in case you want to follow through with leaving. Some guys hide their funds when lawyers come knocking. Even if you get a job he has no right to ask you to pay for room and board, half of the house is yours.

    He realizes he has to pay child support? He might even have to pay spousal support.

    Make a list of skills you have and see if there is anything you can do from home, like cooking meals for bachelors or lazy wives.  

    We could start a brainstorming essay for you. Just say the word…

    • Heather on October 23, 2009 at 2:12 am

    I quit working to raise my kids.

    But then when they went to school I started seeing things the way they were because i actually had time to breathe, so I got a job, saved some money, got credit cards, told exman to get a change of attitude as in give me some damn help with everything, like at least cut the grass or clean the roof or even stay awake and play with the kids, or scoot which he did and I’ve been happy and almost broke ever since.

    So I think, even though you didn’t ask what I think, you should become employed outside the home and get yourself some financial independence going.

    See where things go from there. At least you won’t be stuck.

    I hate it when people are stuck.

    • Inky99 on October 23, 2009 at 10:14 am

    You broke both wrists, but you’re typing?

    Sorry, I’m really curious!

    • RiaD on October 25, 2009 at 5:04 am

    let me tell you a story….

    mrD also was pissy for awhile about this same sort of thing, bitching about $$ i spent, not wanting to provide the smallest things (new jeans, if i recall), etc…. i began to feel i had no worth…was chattel.

    i pointed out how much i actually did, not only keeping house, but doing the books for his business, making appts, taking calls….& raising kids, keeping a garden, canning the food….

    yeah, yeah, yeah said he.

    i got flat-fucking fed up. & so i stopped. just stopped. (ok- i took care of the kids still & fixed them food)

    i did NOT answer the phone, take msgs, make appoinments, pay bills, order parts for repair, order materials,….or cook, clean, do laundry….

    each morning “will you…?”

    “yeah, yeah, yeah” said i…but didn’t.

    it took 10 or 11 days (about time there were nomore clean clothes or dishes & too many nights of no supper & no sex(yup- i quit EVERYthing!)…

    he suddenly decided we were a team & i’ve not had that problem again.

    we make decisions together about big & small stuff….

    it’s not always rosy but i haven’t ever had to beg for $ or justify an expense again.

    however.

    this may not work in your situation.

    only you can determine that.

    a relationship only works when both ppl are invested in it.

    50/50 does not work…. 50 is half-assed…50 is a failing grade.

    unless both of you are willing to work on this, giving 100%…well, it’ll be ver tough to keep this going & for you to regain your happiness, your self-worth.

    another thing to consider is your child is seeing this. children learn what they live. do you want your girl to be a strong self-assured woman, confident in herself & her worth? then YOU must be! THAT is what ultimately made me realize i must put my foot down (&count to 3!) with mrD. because what i did was NOT only affecting me, it was affecting my kids & their outlook on relationships.

    if you plan to leave follow edgers advice….

    plan your work & then work your plan.

    you CAN do whatever YOU want because you ARE valuable….

    & let no one, man or woman tell you any different.


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