Thank you thank you
Good Evening, and thank you all for attending. Tonight I want to tell you right off, that you too can become, with hard work and dedication, a War Criminal just like me.
Well maybe not just like me, because to be just like me you would need a Daddy who was President of The United States of America, former head of the CIA and have the right juice in the right places to have the Supreme Court appoint you President while a recount of the votes was still underway….but I think you get mah drift, heh heh heh.
Sure, it is hard work to gain enough power to be an effective War Criminal, and to tell you the truth, if God our Father had not needed a hard working Christian to run his Crusade against the evil Muslim Islamofascist hordes that want to kill us in our beds with a Mushroom Cloud, I might never have made it either.
But if you ever do get into a position of power that will allow you to commit War Crimes….here are some tricks of the trade.
Now I won’t lie to ya, part of this was luck. It’s not every War criminal that has the kind of luck I did. But there was a lot of work involved too, heh heh. Do you know how hard it is to have SO many federal agencies warning you about terror attacks and still be able to play dumb and ignore all of them? So there is our first tip of the evening Ladies and Gentleman learn to play dumb. Ok I mispoke, the first tip is to, as one of my critics put it, be born on third base, the next tip is to then think you have hit a triple….and THEN you need to learn to play dumb.
Next of course is to talk tough, especially using a bullhorn. Y’all should really git yourself a bullhorn seminar goin here. Next as soon as a tragedy strikes, start planning how to use it to further your political agenda, do not waste time! Within a few hours after 9/11 I was plottin on how to use this
fortuitous eventtragedy to go after the guy who tried to kill my Daddy…and also happened to be sittin on the worlds second largest oil reserve!
So there you have the basics, all you need some sort of Reiichstag Fire or new Pearl Harbor and a mean lookin guy with a mustache. Then all you have to do is tie the two together and you too can wage an Illegal War of Aggression!
Of course in order to tie the two together, we had to form new intelligence services, make up evidence, twist anything that remotely resembled evidence into a pretzel made out of an aluminum tube, make scary speeches…. and of course, torture some folks into giving false confessions.
Like I said, hard work! But hey, there is a bonus in there, since torture is a War crime too! Which leads me to my next point…never rest on your laurels!
Heck just to make sure I was a really excellent War Criminal, I started not one, but TWO torture programs, and I am proud to say, was the first American President to have a highly organized torture program NOT just in the CIA, but in the Army too!
I am proud to say that as President of The United States my TWO Official Torture Programs, combined with the near complete fabrication of all evidence to illegally invade Iraq and perhaps up to a million dead as a result of…
Unfortunately it was at that point in President Bush’s speech that a shoe flew out of the audience, followed by its mate. As the former president was hustled off stage as the shoe thrower was wrestled to the ground. As he was cuffed and taken out of the hall, he was heard to scream….
“War Criminal my ASS! You have not even been charged, not even been INVESTIGATED, let alone tried, this is a farce, I signed up to hear a CONVICTED War Criminal speak, not this pansy lightweight…hell he is still walking free, how can you even call him a War Criminal, without a conviction….”
Reached later for comment on these charges, President Bush released this statement…
“Hey don’t blame me, I tried as hard as I could, I mean how much more blatant can you get? I committed War Crimes. lots of em! But if the current administration won’t even investigate me, what am I supposed to do about that?
This is hard work!”