Horrible Day, Perhaps my Worst Ever 20090717. Updated

Mrs. Translator called this morning to get the divorce documents in order.  I guess that I knew that they were coming, but talk about a wrecking ball in the gut!

I have not been a very good husband the past few years.  We celebrated our 32nd anniversary long distance this past June (and yes, I did send flowers), but things are not quite right.  

Most of it has to do with my serious imperfections.  I used to have a wanton eye, and would capitalize on it.  I wish that I had not have done so, but I can not turn back history.  These days, my only eye is on the news, science, or how to make ethical income.

In any event, she wants the contract to be terminated, with conditions.  I do not argue with them.  Half of what we accumulated seems reasonable, and half of the funds for my retirement, and about a third of the income that I might make, if I could find employment.  I can deal with that.

The pain comes from dealing with the good memories that likely will be perverted into bad ones, even if we both have the best of wishes towards each other.  Then there are the boys, three of them.  I resolve not to use them as ammunition against her.  Besides, the youngest one is now 19 years of age.

I could go on and on defending myself, but that would be wrong.  I have lived many decades devoted to her, but with that wandering eye and the weakness of soul to allow bad things.

She is not at fault.  I am the one to blame, with no reservation.  I have tried to apologize, but apologies mean nothing when the damage is done. Any real hardcore The Who fans here?

So we will divorce.  I wish her no animosity at all, since I am the one at fault.  I do not begrudge her getting most of, or at least half of, the property, even though some of it accrued to me before we married.  That is not important.

Not likely that there will be a Pique the Geek column here Sunday evening.  Grief has stolen my writing as well as my soul.  It might be unlikely that I will post any more at all.

Thank everyone for the nice reception here, but depression is a very big factor now.  If this post were not so heartfelt, I would not have had the energy to post it.

Thanks to everyone for the support, but I am not likely to be around much more.

And to make it complete, Walter Cronkite died today.  It would have been better for several aspects if it had been me, and not him.

UPDATE:  I never expected this post to make the Recommended list.  It was intended to be a method of getting the negative emotions of guilt, remorse, and worthlessness out of my subconscious mind and into my conscious one such I could deal with them better.  I never imagined the outpouring of good will that I have experienced would be a result.  Thank everyone for such warm support and encouragement.  We will get through this.  I promise not to do anything rash, but will also admit that the thought was tempting for a while.  The question now is how to get from here to the next better station in life (emphasis on “life”).  The first thing to do, regardless, is to find a source of ethical income, and to go from there, allowing the situation to evolve as it will.  One commenter suggested that I retain an attorney.  This I will not do, since that community is getting enough enrichment as it stands.  Mrs. Translator is not a vengeful person, and I am confident that we can work things out in a fair and civil manner.  Thanks to everyone who took the time, consideration, and trouble to encourage me at a time of abject misery.

Warmest regards,

Doc

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  1. I am in a real bad place too. Writing keeps me sane.

    Please do not leave. People will support you and offer you friendship, if you are willing to accept it.

    I hope you find piece of mind and piece of heart.

    Here is my email if you ever want to talk about things, anything.

    [email protected]

    I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to keep writing.

    Gods bless

  2. Doc

  3. Do get a lawyer, if you don’t have one.  You can be fair and still protect yourself.  It is an expertise which will help make it fair going forward.

  4. Take it from me, no worse pain can you cause your own children then by robbing them of their father.

    Promise me you will stay in touch, please

    Together, we can all get through this world and it’s pains, but you are not alone. No man is an island.

  5. I’ve been ‘faithful’ for more than 20 years.

    And I regret it.

    • rb137 on July 18, 2009 at 8:05 am

    Comfort, too. Please write when you’re ready. In the meantime, you will be in my thoughts.

    -rb

  6. I hope you can hang around. You are not a bad person. We all love you and appreciate your work. You always have friends here.

  7. who has made some mistakes, as we all have. But you’re also a precious human being, and just from reading this thread I can see that I’m not the only one who cares about you very much!

    Please take a moment to read this link……..you will find it helpful:

    http://www.metanoia.org:80/sui

    I’m going to find and repost something droogie wrote once on DK…..it helped me tremendously and I believe it might speak to you too.

    Hugs and prayers, Doc, we’re here for you.

  8. I hope this message reaches the right person

    by droogie6655321

    Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 03:29:34 PM EST

    I don’t know your name. I don’t know where you live. I don’t know what your circumstances are, or who your family is, or what problems you might be facing right now.

    But I do know something about you. You should keep going.

    droogie6655321’s diary :: ::

    I was once where you are right now. I felt defeated. I felt despair. I felt as though I’d failed at everything I’d ever tried to do. I felt that maybe the lives of those around me would be better if I weren’t in them. Hell, they probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone at all, I thought when I was at what must be my absolute lowest.

    And it’s not as though I didn’t wait around for things to get better. I waited. Things did not get better. If anything, my depression made it seem as though my previous rock bottom was just the beginning.

    Maybe this is where you are. I hope you’re not. But if you are, this message is for you.

    Let me tell you what it feels like when things finally and at long last start to feel a little bit more bearable.

    You’ll barely notice it at first. Indeed, it’s hard to feel anything at all in the state you’re in. But the nagging feeling you had that something terrible is about to happen starts getting duller. The crushing guilt you’ve been living underneath begins to fade.

    You notice small things. When the sun sends down its rays, you can feel it in your skin. You can feel the warmth of it on your head and arms and shoulders. It feels like the most refreshing shower you’ve ever had.

    When you wake up in the morning, you grab a mug of coffee or a glass of orange juice. Instead of just mechanically pouring it down your throat just to give yourself the chemical energy you need to trudge through the day, you actually taste it. It’s delicious. It reminds you that you are alive — a human being.

    You talk to someone. They seem to really be interested in what you are saying. You don’t feel inside as though they are judging you. Simply having a normal conversation with someone is a triumph — a milestone you won’t soon forget.

    These are the simple joys that are in store for you in the future. These are amazing, life-affirming events that you will never have a chance to enjoy if you give up now.

    As I said before, I don’t know you. I’m not judging you. I’m just a person who has been where you are. I’ve tasted some of what you are tasting now. I know it feels like it will never end. But it will. It has to. All things come to an end — including people’s lives. But your time is not now. You have so much more to see, hear, touch and taste.

    If nothing else, just commit to seeing the end of another day. You might not feel like there’s much you can control, but time is on your side. There’s no stopping the passage of time. And maybe at the end of a day, or a week, or a even a month, what you feel right now will be less intense. Maybe then it will be easier to deal with.

    Make that commitment. And maybe then you can make another. Maybe then you can commit to beating whatever it is that is at the root of this problem. Maybe you’ll seek out help. It’s not a weakness. You will not be judged. Maybe you’ll find exactly what you need to find.

    I hope you’ll hear what I am saying. This is something that is coming to you from someone who is a stranger to you. We may never meet. But I care about you, and I want you to live to see the end of your pain.

    You can live past this. I did. And here I am, writing this. I’m not the only one who has done so.

    You can too.

    Link to diary

    There are many encouraging comments on the diary too. Hugs, Doc.

    • dkmich on July 18, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    First, your kids and future grandkids need you.  

    Second, there is the Peace Corp and other things you can do while we wait for the alledged green shoots to grow.  Let your wife live in and take care of the family home while you go explore interesting and exotic places and make a contribution to humanity.

    Last, get a teaching certificate and teach or become a nurse.  Labor market data says there will be/is job growth in both occupations.

    Yes, you screwed up; and yes, you should regret it.  But don’t add to the pain your screw up has already caused by doing another hurtful act, which brings us back to #1.  Your kids and grandkids need you.

    You can’t change the past, but the future is in your hands.  

  9. I remember Obama’s speech at ASU. He said something to the effect that chasing the American dream we actually lose sight of being good human beings. It’s still something we’ve got fight hard to achieve. William Carlos Williams wrote of “inner perfections”. Work hard to preserve them.

    Kurt Vonnegut said he hoped as a result of his work people would be kinder to each other. Kind of like this site’s credo of being excellent to each other. Doc we need you to stick around, we need to be excellent to each other.

    When I complained to my sister that I was just an assistant manager of a resturaunt at age 49, she said I wasn’t “just” an assistant manager, I was her brother and she loved me.

    We are not out of touch withour fellow Americans, like Ben Nelson. Our pain is the source of our compassion, causing us to yell louder, fight harder for a an enlightened, just world.

  10. … to hear of your troubles, Translator.

    If there’s anything I can do to help, please email me (nightprowlkitty at aol.com).

    Sending much love your way.

  11. Check in please.

    • TMC on July 18, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    It is good that you came here to us and are feeling better but you need some professional counseling to help you get through this. I don’t know where you live but I am certain there are any number of free or low cost.  We will always be here for you as you move through this but, as a medical professional, I would be remiss not to encourage you to get professional help. My public e-mail is in my profile is you need to unload again.  

  12. He flinched, and the bullet left a hole his left cheeck.

    I said fuck it, I’m going to use a shotgun,…..can’t miss with a shotgun. And that is what I did.

    I missed. My left hand overpowerd my right hand and yanked my great grandfather’s goose gun (double barrel 12 gauge) out of my mouth. Powder burns instead of a hole in my cheek, and a ringing in my left ear that didn’t go away for a long, long time. I then took the shot gun back to the house and blew out every window in the house, used every shell I had and blew things up, heirlooms, favored momentos, my self esteem, my pride.

    I did all that over a woman rejecting me. I felt that I had nothing left after she left, that I was worthless, devoid of meaning. A very good friend’s lady spent the next day cleaning up my place, tacking visqueen over the windows (it was Dec. in Alaska), and chewing my ass out.

    But the way she chewed me out was by reminding me of the good I had done, of all the times I had listened to her problems, and the value of the advice I had given her. Reminding me of the friends I had helped in the same manner who would be hurt, who would question the value of the help I had offered them. And finally talking to me about my family and reminding me of my brother and sister and how much they would be hurt.

    Most of all she showed me how much someone else could care for me, how someone could care about someome else with out any thing to gain or lose in her/his caring. She showed me what love was all about…helping others.

    And you, yes, you Doc, have helped many here. you have shared yourself here, helping many to understand things they didn’t. And people here care about you. I know that in your life outside of the tuubz it must be the same. You do have value, you do have people who love you, you do have a reason to stick around.

    From someone who has tried, hang in there buddy, it will only get better.

    Peace

    Be well

  13. It is exceedingly traumatic to have such a disruption in one’s life, and when these things happen, we’re entitled to have a pity party for a while, and then intermittent ones on occasion, until the healing begins to take place–which it will, given enough time, and a bit of effort.

    Remember this:  Your adult children still need their dad.  You still have the future prospects of seeing your grandchildren born, and playing an important role in their lives.  It’s a blessing to look forward to, and there are other potential joys in the future that will eventually cancel out today’s sadness.  

    Take care, you’re worth it–really.  We all make mistakes, we all have regrets.  It’s the bad times that make us stronger, wiser, and eventually, happier.

  14. hang in there.

    You have friends here.

    When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

  15. I really am less familiar with you than others here are.  

    I have read your diary and the comments.  I don’t have to know you to know what it feels like to feel deeply troubled and seemingly out of options in this life —  feeling so low with depression that time spent in bed is largely spent staring at the ceiling, even in the dark.  I think there are probably very few souls that have not, at one point or another, reached such a pinnacle in their lives. And, the old cliche “troubles come in buckets” is also true, thus, it can all seem completely overwhelming in those moments of seeming despair.

    You are doing a very important thing — reaching out — don’t stop reaching out.  There are also suicide hotlines in most communities, so use it as and when you need to.  Your overwhelming sense of worthlessness is more probably due to your joblessness — men do not deal with unemployment very well, well, neither do women, but men have a very hard time with it.  Surely, with a Ph.D., there are many avenues, I would think, that you might pursue. Perhaps, consultation, writing articles, etc. Seeking counseling would be good also. There is also (in order to keep busy in the meantime) so much volunteer work to choose from that you might think about — keeping busy and having less time to self-indulge.

    As so many have pointed out above, you are, by no means worthless!  You are fortunate, as well, you have a family — you cannot let yourself or them down.

    Just hang in, this dreadful despair will gradually fade! You can help that along — keep talking to people, get help, get busy, do whatever you have to do to get through each day and you will get better.

    Hugs!

    Tahoebasha3

    • pico on July 18, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Just remember that your loved ones – including many of us at this site – would rather have you, warts and all, than no you at all.  Please don’t put your family through that.  And it’s such a nice day outside…

    Besides, who’d take over Pique the Geek if you left?  

  16. This is simply amazing to hear.

    I hold you in the highest regard, & though you take full responsibility, (a most honest & courteous quality) I think you also may have been cast into  the increasing numbers of those that simply become statistics of the strange times we live in.

    I charge you with nothing but your humanness & commend you for your forthrightness, but the mother of your children or, if that`s not the case, the lady you`ve loved, must also be held in the highest regard without reproach, as you`ve repeatedly stated.

    I do hope a “fairy tale” resolution is in the realm of possibilities.

    Very best wishes, for everyone involved.

    • sharon on July 19, 2009 at 3:59 am

    and grateful to realize that your update was added a day later and you have found your way to saturday.  i hope you will find a a way to sunday, and monday, and tuesday…  divorce is never ever easy, no matter which side you are on.  it is like a death in itself.  my suggestion is to allow yourself time to grieve.  accept your faults – as you have – and decide how best to live with them without causing further pain to yourself and/or others.  it sounds to me as if you have a strong sense of self and with that you can shape the next phase of your life.  i know it is difficult to imagine at this moment, but it likely that the next mrs. translator will find you a new and evolved man.  clearly, the folks of docudharma have come to appreciate and care about you.  please hang in there for us.  we’ll all be happy to celebrate with you in a month or two or however long it takes for the sun to get through again.  good luck to you and take good care of yourself.  i look forward to reading more of your essays and diaries.

  17. Can’t say it any better than these good people, except to say don’t be afraid to seek more help.  You already have and see what it got you.  Alot of love. So get the help you need brother.  

  18. Just in case you lost it, I sent you a quick message to make sure you have it and a way to always know how to contact me. Willing to talk–may be short on useful advice, but long on support.

    • Inky99 on July 19, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Something just crossed my mind.   Now, I don’t know if this applies to you or not.

    But having been through many such incidents in my life, and having finally realized that I was prone to (genetically it seems) depression, I realized that one thing I had to NOT do was drink alcohol.

    I used to drink alcohol when I was upset about things.  And why not?  It felt great.  It felt like it was soothing me, and, well, it would for a few hours.

    But it’s a terrible depressant, like “well into the next day and sometimes beyond” kind of depressant.

    I have since quit drinking almost completely for this very reason and it makes a huge difference.

    In fact, the way my life has been lately it’s a REALLY good thing that I don’t do that anymore.  I’ve had one of the worst years ever so far in 2009.  🙂   If I drank I probably would have made things far worse.

    Like I said, this may or may not apply to you and if it does not, just ignore it.

    But you’ve got to take care of your head.  Exercising is good, make sure you eat right (it’s really easy to just put off eating when you’re upset but it makes things worse), that sort of thing.

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