Kennebunkport, Maine – Dissent was the word of the day last week when Osama Bin Laden received his copy of the script for his video released last weekend. After what was described as near total meltdown in his trailer on-location in Kennebunkport, Maine, Bin Laden at first refused to shoot the latest installment of the War on Terror.
“This is always what happens when a show fires its writers,” said a distraught BIn Laden, who has captivated the country’s fascination with his betrayal of a blood thirsty mullah. “I just knew when they let Karl Rove go, the quality of writing would just fall to the floor. I don’t know whose ratings are going to be worse, President Bush’s or ours.”
“Remember when Karl wrote that piece where I praised Kerry, like he was my best friend in the world and I wanted to basically get him a pony? America loved that episode. How else can you explain how a country would re-elect a cowboy who is afraid of horses?” Bin Laden continued, as make-up dyed his beard back to show quality black. “Man, I used to put the fear of God into Americans. Rove knew just how to push the audiences buttons, keeping them on the edge of their seats.”
Karl Rove left the show in early August, after creative differences with Producer Dick Cheney. This rift began when Cheney introduced the Saddam Hussein parallel plot that Rove said distracted from the main character Osama Bin Laden.
“I said it would dilute the brand,” Karl Rove remarked pool side at his new Texas home. “I told Cheney that building Saddam up too much might interfere with our pilot episode of 9-11. Sure enough, it happened.”
“Our fan base is losing interest now Saddam is dead. We are starting to bleed our core viewer ship to that ‘Mexican Menace’ knock-off,” sighed Roved, as he swirled his Old Fashion in his hand. “You just can’t keep the American people mesmerized by trying to scare them with their gardener. You need Arab Ninjas with nukes tied to their vests. That’s how you get eyeballs on your show.”
It was only a matter of time before Karl Rove was let go. He was a notorious lackey of then Executive Producer Dan Bartlett. But for over six years, Karl Rove penned what some critics call the greatest storyline ever to entrance the American public. The War on Terror also enjoyed incredible viral success, as every station in the land would rebroadcast each episode, sometimes days on end. Some networks like Fox News have devoted entire years of coverage to the War on Terror.
“Our ratings were through the roof,” said a smiling Bin laden, waxing on the glory days of when President Bush would call Osama to congratulate him on another great show. “Remember that subplot with Tommy Ridge? Where we got everyone to buy duct tape to protect them from Armageddon? We were golden gods back then, the War on Terror could do no wrong.”
“But look at this bullshit,” Bin Laden said waving around his marked-up script. “Who the hell wrote this? It’s like I’m reading the liberal platform off of the Democratic Party website. Where are the veiled threats? The obscure double meaning of words and ideas? Where is it that I call for my faithful to final take down the Great Satan now that he has been slowly bled to death?’
“Now I want them to embrace Islam? I mean, put some water skis on me, I am jumping the shark. Who am I Ditek? Why am I even talking about the U.S. mortgage crisis? Aren’t I suppose be talking how we will bring America to its knee? Instead I am giving a lecture best suited for high school economics. How about I stole a nuke off that plane that flew cross-country? At this point, I’d even take a Homer Simpson-style plot involving dumping Ebola-laced dead monkeys into city water supplies.”
Bin Laden then got up and pretended to water ski and then did his best Fonz.
“Look, I didn’t even know Regent University had a film school till I got the script. They totally ruined the War on Terror. They should stick to law or whatever else it is they do over there, because no way is anyone gonna buy this shit,” livid Bin Laden said on his way into the sound stage to shoot the piece. “Could you imagine what would happen if they sent this kind of tripe to the Department of Justice?”
The piece was released last weekend to luke warm reviews, some noting that the magic is just gone. Viewership is way down, with ironically only the Saddam fans still watching religiously. Maybe Osama Bin Laden was right, maybe the War on Terror has jumped the shark.
And for the ultra-dork core:
My Top 5 Favorite Things Today
1) “NO, your other right hand”
(Look for it.)
2) Bottle makes dirty water drinkable in seconds
3) Hold your feet! Korean baseball gets strange
4) Hairy ball theorem
5) Marshmallow Factory
This is an open thread.