City Dog Catcher of Reno, NV Endorses Mike Gravel
Reno, NV – Local Dog Catcher Joe Karren has announced he will be endorsing Democratic Nominee hopeful Mike Gravel. He even called the campaign headquarters himself to let them know he was firmly in their camp and planned on a press conference at the local diner, Angie’s Spot, to formally announce.
“I was shocked Mr. Gravel picked up the phone,” said Karren, whose support is supposed to bring in at least 2 votes for the Gravel ticket. “Even more shocking was when he said he would actually show up to my presser. I was just joking, I was really just going for a cup of coffee. But now he is coming, I feel like I gotta get a banner or something.”
“It’s about meeting the people,” said Mike Gravel, who once led a filibuster that led to the end of the Vietnam War, and who was shat upon at last summer’s Yearly Kos. “About meeting one voter at a time.”
If Gravel completes his quest to meet every voter in America, he will be prime to win the nomination in 3012.
Dennis Kucinich leaves politics to star in Jackson’s “The Hobbit”
While some actors become politicians, the once-Presidential hopeful has decided to go the exact opposite route. At a recent casting call for The Hobbit, the prequel to the extremely successful Lord of the Rings series, Kucinich happened to be working the line for tryouts when he was spotted by director Peter Jackson.
“He was perfect!” said Peter Jackson, on his quest to cast Bilbo Baggins, the star character of the whimsical tale involving dwarves, elves and even dragons. “We don’t even have to get him in make up, you know how much that is going to save us?”
When reached for comment, Kucinich replied, “Well, if the only place I can save the world is in a film, then so be it. Plus, they have promised to cast my wife as an elven princess, which she is.”
The movie starts production in summer of 2008.
Clinton Lost in Bermuda Triangulation
Search teams are still searching for former First Lady and current Junior Senator of New York Hillary Clinton. She was lost last weekend while making a complex political calculation in the Bermuda Triangulation. During a meeting with senior advisors concerning civil unions and gay voter turnout, she was last seen trying to read tea leaves and was lost in what is being called a demographic-dense polling fog.
“We were making steady progress on the issue,” said long-time staff David Minzer. “Then we got into the stats on the 2004 election and Gay Marriage Ballots, she was making a map based on Rovian math and primary voters and she was gone. She vanished into thin air like a third party candidate who got caught eating babies.”
This marks the fifth politician lost in the Bermuda Triangulation, most recently claiming Howard Dean, who was last heard howling on the radio until it faded into a whimper.
Obama still means Osama in 23 of 50 States
Recent Zogby Poll shows a majority of Americans in 23 of 50 states still think Obama Barack is, in fact, Osama Bin Laden. While it is not known when exactly the name mix-up began, it is certain based on trends Barack Obama can not convince people he is not the most wanted man in world by primary season early next year.
“I am about to call Rush myself about why Osama is running on that surrender monkey ticket they call the Democrat Party,” said unemployed fork-lift driver Bart Hokilns. “That man brought the towers down, and now he is running for president of the damn country? Not on my watch.”
“That rag head belongs in Gitmo, not running around the country campaigning,” chimed in Chicago-based Earl Schlizing, who votes straight Republican even though that party’s policies lead to the out-sourcing of his manufacturing job to China years ago. “I will not let some camel jockey come into the land of Lincoln and ruin his proud legacy.”
When contacted, Barack Obama himself sent out the follow response: “What the fuck, my name is Barack Hussein Obama. Not Osama Bin Laden.”
He then instantly regretted mentioning the Hussein part.
Do I Look Presidential Enough?
By John Edwards’s Toupee
Wow, what a long journey it has been. I still remember when a pre-mature balding law student came into the wig shop way back in the early 80s. Little did I know the head I was soon to be attached to would one day be running for the Oval Office! So I have to ask, do I look Presidential enough?
Sure, I worked fine when we tagged teamed in trials, with me wowing jurors as I stayed perfectly in place as he made passionate speeches about corporation corruption. I must admit, I am sure my perfect poof and spryness led to at least three judgements in his favor. I can still close my eyes and see the ladies in the juror box looking at the young lawyer with the perfect hair, thinking how dashing he looked. But that was just two-bit courtrooms in North Carolina, we are talking about the leader of the free world. Do I look Presidential enough? Sorry to keep asking, I am just worried and I don’t want to blow this for my head.
I remember when we made it to the Senate, I was so worried I almost sweated the glue off that keeps me firmly in place. But as soon as I realized there were countless other toupees in the Senate, of much lesser quality I might add, I knew it would be breeze.
But this is the Presidential primaries! Lord help me if for some reason the wind blows me just the wrong way exposing my existence, or some yahoo runs by and rips me off showing Edwards to be the bald man he is. This really keeps me up at night, but I guess that’s the pressure of the big leagues. I just hope I am Presidential enough, especially for John Edwards.
My Top Five Favorite Things Today
1) “The * * * you’ll see all day”
2) Zeno the Robot Boy on Video Is Far More Unsettling Than in Pictures
3) Sherri Shepard doesn’t know if the world is flat
4) Lolrus is dead :'(
5) The Steepest Streets In The World
This is an OPEN THREAD.