I know that people are today making fun of you in the media and on the blogs because of your Nashville appearance at the Tea Bag Pay As You Go Event. They’re complaining about your irritating voice, your inability to complete a sentence, your having no plan and your writing on your hand. They say you are speaking “word salad.” That’s sad, but that’s how it is in America. People have the right to make fun of their politicians, and they should. And, lest you forget, you’re a politician. Or maybe now you’re not a politician any more and you’re an entertainer. Or something. Anyway, those folks cherish their “right” to make fun of you.
Regardless, I have a small proposal for you to consider. I realize that it’s unorthodox to print it here and publish it on the Internet, but after all it is 2010 so I beg your indulgence. How else can I get your attention? And I know from how you dealt with all those couture clothes you got from John McCain’s campaign, that you understand self promotion for profit.
My proposal: How about you pay me $50,000 before your next “speech” and I will write it for you. I am an excellent writer. I know grammar and sentence structure. I know how to construct a paragraph. I had an elite, liberal education at a very expensive, fancy, elitist college, and I have a graduate degree from one of America’s most revered universities, and I’ve written books. But don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone about any of that. Let’s put it this way: I know how to write. And I’ll keep what I write simple and direct so that your audience will follow it perfectly. And they’ll hear every single dog whistle I insert in the text. You know about dog whistles already I’m sure. Look at that great one you “borrowed” from Lee Greenwood about your being proud to be an American.
I assure you the speech I will write for you will be (1) far more whacked out than the one you gave in Nashville (it will scare liberals to death), (2) far more clever (you might be tempted to say “cleverer”) and (3) your supporters, all those superannuated, semi and fully retired, more or less rich, white folks, will really love it. They will have something that is akin to an orgasm when you deliver the speech I will write for you. Only it won’t be an actual orgasm, that might just kill them, no, they’ll just smile and hyperventilate and cheer a lot. And want to smoke afterward.
You know how to reach me. I am ready. We both can grow rich while saving America.
PS. I can see Uranus from here.