Most of us, I suspect, go through our lives with this niggling little feeling of “if only” we had our act together, we could really do something with it. Or do something better. If only we were more organized, had more energy, better tools and gidgets, or had taken a different course of study, or if our parents didn’t hate us, or if we hadn’t gotten sick, or if the car hadn’t come over the center line….
Other times, like a Phoenix, we arise from what should have just been one flat out disaster that we should not, no way, no how, have survived, and yet we did, leaving us puzzled as to why. We had a chainsaw and gas when the tree hit the car, we trusted our instincts, our tracking skill, and our horse and found the trail back, we came up to the edge of the cliff and… didn’t fall off, the seat belt held and the embankment wasn’t too steep, the life jacket worked and somebody pulled us out. Or we pulled them out. We traded for firewood and didn’t freeze to death. We found a job or received a gift unexpectedly, just in time. We were in the depths, and bounced just so, and came back up gasping.
And still, have this little insecurity. It could be better, right? We got through the week, clawing, kicking, and screaming, resigned to just surviving the dreadful thing… the ogre bosses, the obligations, the whiny relatives, the disappointments, the crazy destructiveness of our political system, waking up at 4am exhausted, now,not having to do that soul killing monotony for a day … What if…