April Fools

Paul Ryan Thrown Out of Easter Mass For Views On Poverty

The Daily Currant

Mar. 31, 2013

A spokesperson for St. John Vianney’s church in Janesville, Wis. says it was enforcing a new papal order barring uncharitable politicians from participating in Catholic rites when it refused communion to Ryan and asked him to leave the building.

Ryan reportedly declined to move at first, and was escorted out by several large male parishioners and taken to his car, where he waited for his wife and children to finish the service.

“The Catholic Church believes it is society’s responsibility to care for the poor. I believe the poor are invariably lazy and should be left cold and starving until they acquire a decent work ethic. What’s the matter? We can’t even have a debate about this? It’s almost as if this new pope thinks he’s infallible or something!”

“I’m a big fan of the Old Testament,” Ryan says. “I like the parts where God is punishing people with plagues and locusts, and killing people’s first born children. The verses where he sanctions rape and genocide are just brilliant.

“But I’m not really big on this hippie New Testament thing. Too much peace and love, not enough hatred and violence. But hey, it’s all God’s word. So I don’t see why I am excluded from Catholic services just because I like some parts better than others.”

(h/t Naked Capitalism)

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