Assange is a High-Level AQ Operator

(2PM EST – promoted by Nightprowlkitty)

So I made the mistake of going into a Walmart today. First off, I ask God for special dispensation when I go through the doors. Let’s face it, the company is built on slave labor. Shopping there is morally abhorrent. The conditions of its Chinese laborers alone is a sufficient abuse of human rights to have the whole fucking Walton family and their heirs imprisoned for life. Then there’s the abuse of American Walmart employees who are paid so little that they can’t afford the cheap crap they sell. They don’t get health care. They’re taught how to sign up for Medicare. Food stamps. Fuel assistance.

Anyway, it was on the way home, it was late and the only food store open. As I’m parking my car I’m noticing all the security cameras – light poles, on the building, going through the door, in the store in each aisle. I had enough cameras on me to produce a 3D documentary of one man’s quick stop to get some late dinner fixings.

Being the techie I am I wander to the back of the store to check geek and LCD prices. There at the back of the store is a wall of screens with the same loop running over and over…

The Department of Homeland Security this week stepped up its “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign, but you won’t be seeing more ads in New York City subway cars. No, the public service announcements will be featured in a far different location: Walmart.

DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano recorded a video clip that will be looped over and over again at a total of 588 Wal-Mart stores nationwide.

“Homeland security begins with hometown security,” Napolitano says in the clip. “That’s why I’m pleased Walmart is helping to make our communities more safe and secure. If you see something suspicious in the parking lot or in the store, say something immediately.”

I stood there in shock and awe. As in “Awe, fuck!”

Orwellian? Orwellianissimo? The hairs on the back of my neck are going up by now. The Walmart wage slaves are eyeing me suspiciously. Did I do something threatening in the parking lot? Is it the look on my face? Is it my beard? Oh shit! Muslim men wear beards! I’m fucked! I’m standing there with my jacket open and my sweatshirt exposed. Now I know I’m fucked. I never go into a Walmart without wearing a t-shirt  or sweatshirt that has big block letters on the front: EFCA. Several of the TV screens now show me and my sweatshirt. The rest still have Janet looping away. Doom awaits.

I notice the Walmart slaves watching me and getting more agitated and then I can see the alpha slaves moving in. Management has been notified. I head for the checkout with my food followed by three managers. As I move toward the front of the store two more pop out of side aisles in front of me.

“Excuse me sir, we’ve noticed some extremely strange behavior on your part. You’ll have to put down that basket and leave the store immediately.” No problem. I just lost my appetite anyway. I’ll just cook some rice for dinner. Thanks. Good-bye.

So I made it back to the car. What a relief. I thought they were going to take me into custody. I sit back, close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I’m wondering if I took too much acid in the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s and this is just one of those flashbacks that I never ever had. Put the key in the ignition, start her up, turn on the lights and check behind me before I put it in reverse.

There’s a humongous black Suburban behind me. So I wait for it to move. Interesting. The windows are as black as the paint on it. It’s still not moving but the car parked head on to me is backing out now. I can just do a pull-through and be on my way. Silly paranoia. I crack the window open for some fresh air to help with the nerves.

Whoppa-whoppa-whoppa. Familiar sound. I grew up a mile from a naval air station. It’s also the same sound in my head when I’ve done three or four balloons of parking lot nitrous outside a Dead show. Whoppa-whoppa-whoppa. I look up, no lights. The car in front of me finally pulls out. I’m right behind it, out of the space and a quick right. A few more turns in the parking lot maze and I’ll be on the way home. Not.

There’s another Suburban coming my way and now I see the other one has ripped around the corner and has me blocked from behind. I whip out the iPhone to call for help. No bars. Hey, it’s ATT but the parking lot here is always five bars – even with the upgrade patch. Now I know I’m trapped.

What was it? What did I do? Was it the beard? Was it the EFCA on my sweatshirt? Was there some law I broke?

I remember coming to in a windowless room. I was soaked from head to toe and my sinuses were full of water. Some one was shaking my head pretty hard. As I slowly came to this huge guy with all black sweats and shades to match asks “Have you ever used the internet?” “Yes.” “OK, sign here and you can go”. I come to again in my driveway with no idea of how I got there. Must have been a bad dream. After all, this is still America.

I go in, flop on the couch, grab the remote, turn to CNN and there I am again. EFCA sweatshirt and all. I’m watching and hearing myself say on network news that “Julian Assange is a high level member of Al Qaeda and has been using the internet to subliminally recruit innocent Americans as sleeper members.”

The good news is that explained everything to me. I was still in America. It was still 2010. Obama was still president. Sort of. Nothing unusual here. Turn to ESPN, catch the late scores and call it a day. Another 24 hours in the land of the free and the home of the brave.


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  1. since Al Haig came on tv and told us he is in control here.  So, it’s been a while.

  2. ???Is real???Or trip???  Googled AQ Operator and got—

    bounded operator on Aq(G) . The corresponding result for q > 2 is not known. Clearly H extends to a bounded operator on Aq if and only if H extends to …

    Then I tried efca and got efca dot org

    Features association of some 1250 autonomous churches united by a mutual commitment to serve the Lord Jesus Christ with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and …

    This only confused me more.  Then I looked down past the first several Evangelicals and found, AHA:  Employee Free Choice Act.  That’s gotta be a no no in Walmo.

    But still, ru, did this really happen?  Did you embellish for the sake of art?

    Glad you made it through.

  3. It was in the early days of the War of Error.  Our family liked to collect pine cones in the tall trees around the local water supply for Christmas wreaths.  One year we got kicked out by some moronic guy saying nobody was allowed near the water anymore due to “Homeland Stupidity”.  Yeah, well, OK, if I have to drink said water I would then be there to see the Al-CIA-duh guys in their turbans pouring the white powdery stuff into the water.  At the time I was exploring that vast collection of 911 truth websites like The Amazing Pentalawn 2000.

    Anyway in my brief stint on a right wing board the argument devolved into Alice in Wonderland territory saying the Constitution did not specifically mention pine cone collecting around water supplies.  After reading thousands of Islam derogatory rhetoric they finally decided I was not one of them, banning me for the term “raghead”.

    As far as “leaks” I prefer Richard Hoagland and Micheal Schratt over anything the commercial propaganda network jumps upon.

  4. inside a Wal Mart never will. I have however shopped in the past a couple of times at Target no more. My transgressions and weakness of materialism, cheap shit, is now confined to a once in a while trip to Ikea, I don’t delude myself that it’s better then but I do like the cheap Tibetan rugs… and those Swedes can design.. There is a really creepy house in my liberal neighborhood I walk by. It is festooned with American flag’s and nasty Americana kitsch clutters the yard amongst the plastic flowers. There is a wooden folksy sign with a flag carved on it that reads, ‘If I’m not home I’m at Wal Mart.’ It never ceases to amaze me that this cultural uber nationalism that finds a cheesy, nasty store patriotic is 5 houses up from a household of dirty young hippies who have a working tepee, sweat lodge, in their yard, amongst the vegetables and native plants.

    Interesting times, I’m glad we’re polarized. Don’t go back RUkind. Saw a ad the other day for Wal Mart and they seem to have some kind of hiring deal with the military. The ad says that she was recruited from the army and trained and she just loves it. So sad that the poor end up in both Wal Mart and the military and think they are patriotic. The iphone polishers in China have the brains to see they are slaves and jump ship. what a world                  

  5. ….  Oh, My.

    I know just where this needs to go.

    Yes, it is true.  I ate locally grown produce.  I expect Placer County’s new $2 million dollar sherrif’s dept helicopter any second now.  

    • RUKind on December 12, 2010 at 02:01

    😉 It’s not fiction. It’s just pre-reality.

  6. Seriously, I was sitting on the edge of my seat, while reading your essay — so, believe me, you did a good job.

    Remember the time when nobody even locked their back doors?

    Big Brother is here!

    Fantastic job on this, RUKind!

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