U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt… Again

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Calling it “basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper,” Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much “$200”

is actually worth.
Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

WASHINGTON-The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world’s largest economy.

“Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…” said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. None of this-this so-called ‘money’-really matters at all.”

“It’s just an illusion,” a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. “Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless.”

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, “Oh my God, he’s right. It’s all a mirage. All of it-the money, our whole economy-it’s all a lie!”


The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer comprehensible.

For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation’s epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the illusion of money.

Read it all here…


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    • Edger on August 30, 2010 at 14:44

    In other news today:

    Pentagon weighs preemptive cyber-warfare

    Video: Beck fans cheer plan to shoot illegal immigrants

    AP: US wasted billions rebuilding Iraq

    Education secretary: Schools have been lying to students

    Congress may sneak through Internet ‘kill switch’ in defense bill

    Obama Administration Plans Mortgage Aid, HUD’s Donovan Says – the general idea here is that the “Obama administration plans to set up an emergency loan program for the unemployed” to push them even further into debt slavery in case they ever find a job again

  1. Is that the Onion and Comedy Central are the best sources of accurate news in the US.

  2. currency (small, round shells, like beads, carefully manufactured with a small hole drilled through the middle, often strung on threads). They knew that too many of these shells would destabilize their values, so wealthy individuals were buried with them. Worked very well for eons until the Europeans brought their currency backed up by God.

  3. It’s the freakin’ Onion…

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