Olympic Alternatives XIV

You thought I was not serious?

I’m dead serious.  The only way to effect change is through sacrifice (changing your habits) and protest (telling people what you think, publicly).

Plenty of other stuff out on the Hypnotoad.  Just look-

The Hypnotoad.

"Television is a vast wasteland"

Mid-Afternoon Update.

Primetime Update.

Final Update.

This essay covers the two live events today, Men’s Cross Country (50k) and Men’s Hockey Final, as well as the Closing Ceremony and its late night repeat.

It will be updated periodically.

If you want to know what’s already going on I suggest you check my early morning Figure Skating Exhibition Repeats 3 & 4 Edition.

Here’s a list of things (not comprehensive) I think more worthy of your eyeballs than NBC’s Olympic coverage.

Instead of Men’s Cross Country (50k) on NBC

12:00 E! Evan Almighty 2:00
12:00 Oxygen Spanglish 2:30
12:00 Nick Spongebob Squarepants 1:00
12:00 TBS Deliver Us From Eva 2:00
12:30 A&E The Green Mile 3:30
12:30 AMC Dante’s Peak 3:00
12:30 ABC Family The Karate Kid Part II 3:00
12:30 TCM Pennies From Heaven 2:00
12:30 ESPN PBA Bowling: 67th U.S. Open 2:00
1:00 FX Jarhead 3:30
1:00 Lifetime Terror in the Family 3:00
1:00 Nick iCarly 2:00
1:00 SciFi Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers 5:00
1:00 ABC Phoenix @ San Antonio 3:30
1:00 TV Guide Blessed Assurance 3:00
1:00 TNT Poseidon 3:00
2:00 ESPN Champions Tour Golf: Wendy s Champions Skins Game 4:00
2:00 CBS Louisville @ Connecticut 4:00
2:00 Faux Sprint Cup Shelby American at Las Vegas Motor Speedway 6:30
2:00 Bravo Real Housewives 5:00
2:00 TCM Road to Morroco 3:30
2:00 TV Land You’ve Got Mail 5:00
2:00 TBS Underclassman 4:00
2:30 Oxygen Snapped 11:00

8 and a half hours of Snapped!  Tommyknockers parts 1 & 2.  Adam Sandler and Steve Carell.  Ugh.  Taming of the Shrew wasn’t even so funny when Willy did it.

Brosnan and volcanos, what could possibly go wrong?  The Miagi saga continues.  A little pre-Hilary Swank.

You know, I’m getting almost as sick of Mile as I am of Philadephia.  Fortunately we have Mail to remind us that Tom Hanks doesn’t totally suck.

I’m reliably informed that the very first Poseidon was in fact playing at the very time Titanic struck the iceberg and was so engrossing that most viewers didn’t even notice the hit.

It’s a meta metaphor for The Hypnotoad.

TCM starts up a Hope/Cosby Road marathon.  These pieces are frequently lampooned on Family Guy by Brian and Stewie, but they’re best looked at as following that standard situational comedy formula.  Bing Mania starts with Pennies which is not the far darker Steve Martin version.

I ran across Blessed Assurance aka The Price of Heaven the other day while channel surfing and found it quite interesting, though I didn’t watch all of it.  In addition to Lori Loughlin it also has Cicely Tyson.

I could be working with my brother right now. He’s got a dry-wall business in Compton. Does the inside of office buildings; you know, the metal studs. I could be his partner, said he’d give me that brand new Dodge Ram Charger. You know, the 318 Magnum? The beast? All indoor work, too, lots of AC. I could sleep with my wife every night, fuck her, maybe; take my kids to school every morning. And I’d run his crews, too, probably increase productivity 40 to 50%. Make $100K a year. Do you know why I don’t?

Because I love this job. I thank God for every fucking day he gives me in the corps, oorah.

Instead of Men’s Hockey (Gold) US v. Canada on NBC

3:00 TV Guide Sweet Temptation 5:00
3:00 AMC John Carpenter’s Escape from L.A. 5:00
3:00 Comedy Idiocracy 5:00
3:00 ABC Family The Karate Kid Part III 5:30
3:00 Food Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives 4:00
3:00 Lifetime Glass House: The Good Mother 5:00
3:00 TNT Enough 5:30
3:30 ABC Denver at Los Angeles 6:00
3:30 A&E Gone in 60 Seconds 6:00
3:30 FX The Fast and the Furious 6:00
3:30 TCM Road to Utopia 5:00
3:30 VH-1 Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp 4:30
4:00 CBS Michigan State at Purdue 6:00
4:00 Spike DEA 10;00
4:00 Food The Best Thing I Ever Ate 6:00
4:00 TBS The Honeymooners 6:00
4:00 Discovery Clash of the Dinosaurs 6:00
4:00 PBS The National Parks: America s Best Idea 6:00
4:00 Nick Spongebob Squarepants 6:00
4:00 VH-1 Saturday Night Fever 7:00
5:00 Food Ace of Cakes 6:00
5:00 AMC Terminator 2 8:00
5:00 Bravo Millionaire Matchmaker 7:00
5:00 Comedy Office Space 7:00
5:00 Lifetime Hush 7:00
5:00 MTV Turn The Beat Around 7:00
5:00 TV Land Andy Griffith 8:00
5:00 Animal Planet Yellowstone: Battle For Life 7:00
5:00 SciFi Stephen King’s The Stand 1:00
5:00 TCM The Greatest Show on Earth 8:00
5:30 ABC Family The Next Karate Kid 8:00
5:30 TNT GI Jane 8:00
5:30 Toon Johnny Test 7:00
6:00 A&E CSI 8:00
6:00 Nick iCarly 7:00
6:00 TBS Code Name: The Cleaner 8:00
6:00 E! Evan Almighty 8:00

Call.  Me.  Snake.

Say goodbye to Ralph, hello Hilary.

Idiocracy is incredibly optimistic.  It’s not going to take anywhere near 20 years, let alone 500.

2 Car Chase Movies, one with Nicholas Cage, one with Vin Diesel (who has an appropriate name).

Third Bing, Second Road.  Fourth in the series it has a couple of onlys- only one cast in the past, only one not to a real place.  Rumor has it that Paramount delayed release so Bing could get the Oscar for his “serious” work in Going My Way.

If you’re expecting to see Jackie Gleason instead of Cedric the Entertainer you’ll be disappointed.

I’m not a Travolta fan, but there was a point in my life when I wondered what it would be like to wear a white suit and go up to single women at a bar and talk to them.  Now I know.

No Fate.

Mike Judge again.  Steve Carell is still not Jim Carrey.  Demi Moore gets tough.

Of the 4 films named Hush, this is the one with Tori Spelling.  I’m sure you’ll find that a tremendous endorsement.

Again too new (2010) to have a wiki page.

Here in the Nutmeg State we have a lot of respect for old P.T. and The Greatest is in fact quite a show.

8 Hours of The Stand.  I’ve never read it or seen it because I’m just not a great admirer of Stephen King’s work, but I guess we can tell now between Langoliers, Tommyknockers, and this which direction SciFi is heading today.

We bring you the circus — that Pied Piper whose magic tunes lead children of all ages, from 6 to 60, into a tinseled and spun-candied world of reckless beauty and mounting laughter; whirling thrills; of rhythm, excitement and grace; of daring, enflaring and dance; of high-stepping horses and high-flying stars.

But behind all this, the circus is a massive machine whose very life depends on discipline, motion and speed …. a mechanized army on wheels that rolls over any obstacle in its path …. that meets calamity again and again, but always comes up smiling …. a place where disaster and tragedy stalk the Big Top, haunt the backyards, and ride the circus rails …. where Death is constantly watching for one frayed rope, one weak link, or one trace of fear.

A fierce, primitive fighting force that smashes relentlessly forward against impossible odds: That is the circus. And this is the story of the biggest of the Big Tops …. and of the men and women who fight to make it — The Greatest Show on Earth!

Instead of Recap and Closing Ceremonies live

I’ll just start by saying I can’t understand how anyone sits through this even once.  It is the most boring piece of crap Television has ever invented outside of Awards Shows and at least those have the element of suspense.

You need me now more than ever.

7:00 Animal Planet Planet Earth 6:00
7:00 Bravo Law & Order 3:00
7:00 Comedy Accepted 9:00
7:00 ESPN Miami at Orlando 9:30
7:00 Food Food Network Challange 9:00
7:00 Lifetime Dead at 17 9:00
7:00 Discovery Prehistoric 3:00
7:00 Toon Kangaroo Jack 9:00
7:00 VH-1 Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew 8:00
8:00 TV Guide 25 Biggest TV Blunders 10:00
8:00 Faux Animation Block- The Simpsons, Cleveland Show, Family Guy, American Dad 10:00
8:00 A&E Criminal Minds 4:00
8:00 AMC The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 10:30
8:00 Nick Uncle Buck 10:00
8:00 TBS Madea’s Family Reunion 10:00
8:00 TCM Ben Hur 12:00
8:00 TNT Twister (x 2) 12:00
8:00 TV Land M*A*S*H 11:00
8:00 ABC Family The Parent Trap 11:00
9:00 E! Keeping Up With the Kardashians 10:30
9:00 Food Iron Chef America 10:00
9:00 FX The Day After Tomorrow 11:30
9:00 Lifetime Mr. Brooks (x 2) 1:00
9:00 Disney The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement 11:00
9:00 Comedy Hot Rod 11:00
9:30 ESPN New Orleans at Dallas 12:00
10:00 Food Chopped 11:00
10:00 TBS Daddy’s Little Girls 12:00
10:00 Toon King of the Hill 10:30
10:30 AMC Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life 1:00
10:30 Toon Family Guy 11:30
11:00 Oxygen First Wives Club 1:00
11:00 TV Land Roseanne 2:00
11:00 USA House 1:00
11:30 Toon Venture Brothers 12:00
11:30 Comedy Demitri Martin 12:00

The question is not whether NBC 2010 Olympic Coverage is in the 25 Biggest TV Blunders, but where it ranks in comparison to The Jay Leno Show.

8 Hours of Criminal Intent.  8 Hours of Criminal Minds.  8 Hours of Prehistoric.  11 Hours of Planet Earth.

Accepted is deeper than it looks.

I don’t dislike League as much as some people do.  I guess it’s because I totally buy into the Victorian Superhero concept.  Our ancestors were just as smart and motivated as we are guys, maybe more.

I miss Johnny La Rue, Macaulay not so much.  Hope you’re getting all the crane shots you want now big guy.

Madea is the sequel to Diary and is another reason why Tyler Perry is famous.

Chariot Races!  Trireme Battles!  11 Oscars!  They don’t make them like that anymore.

Helen Hunt I like.  Michael Crichton not so much.  I do think the whole concept rather silly though.

I’m pretty sure Trap is the Lohan version and not the Mills one, but it’s hard to be sure.

Day may be scientifically credible, but the concept is intuitively contradictory.  I think someone just decided filming solid water was easier than filming liquid OR the dust was blown off a ‘nuclear winter’ script.

More Demi Moore!  More Julie Andrews!  More Will Ferrell vehicles without Will Ferrell in them!  Tyler Perry gets more famous!

I think we should have more plodding derivative movies based on Video Games and long as we can see Angelina Jolie in revealing clothing (pssst… I know the cheat code for naked mode).  Who wants to see a mature Bette Midler, Diane Keaton, or Goldie Hawn?

As always I recommend Venture Brothers, a cartoon about failure.

Instead of Recap and Closing Ceremonies repeat

12:00 Spike Batman 3:00
12:00 Comedy Sarah Silverman 12:30
12:00 Food Iron Chef America 1:00
12:00 TBS Code Name: The Cleaner 2:00
12:00 TCM Oliver! 2:30
12:00 TNT Enough 2:30
12:00 VH-1 Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew 1:00
12:30 Comedy Futurama 2:00
1:00 AMC John Carpenter s Escape from L.A. 3:00
1:00 Food Chopped 2:00
1:00 Oxygen Bad Girls Club 3:00
1:00 SciFi Caprica 2:00
1:00 Toon Frisky Dingo, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law 1:30
1:00 USA Eight Below 3:30
1:00 VH-1 Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp 2:00
1:30 Toon King of the Hill 2:30
2:00 TBS Deliver Us From Eva 4:00
2:30 TCM The Pink Panther Strikes Again 4:30
2:30 TNT GI Jane 5:00
2:30 Toon Family Guy 3:30
3:00 AMC Force 10 From Navarone 6:00
3:00 Comedy Dimitri Martin, Sara Silverman 4:00
3:00 ESPN Denver @ Los Angeles 5:00
3:00 SciFi They Wait 5:00
3:00 VH-1 RuPaul’s Drag Race 4:00

Well, this is it.  I’m too tired to even offer commentary.  NBC drops coverage at 3:30.  I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these pieces as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them.

Next year in Jerusalem.

This part still under construction, expect updates.

All of them far more worth your eyeballs than NBC and its horrible coverage.

This isn’t even political, except for the lesson in activism.

Am I serious?

Dead serious.

Email- [email protected]

Oh Rose, have something to eat.

Two hundred thousand years in the future he’s dying, and there’s nothing I can do.

Well, like you said, two hundred thousand years, it’s way off!

But it’s not!  It’s now.  That fight is happening right now!  And he’s fighting for us, for the whole planet, and I’m just sitting here eating chips!

Listen to me!  God knows I have hated that man, but right now I love him, and do you know why?  Cause he did the right thing, he sent you back to me!

But what do I do every day, Mum?  What do I do?  Get up, catch the bus, go to work, come back home, eat chips and go to bed, is that it?!

It’s what the rest of us do.

But I can’t!

Why, cause you’re better than us??

NO, I didn’t mean that!  I just…  But it was.  It was a better life!

And I don’t mean all the travelling, and seeing aliens and spaceships and things, that don’t matter.

The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life.  You know, he showed you too!

That you don’t just give up!  You don’t just let things happen!

You make a stand, you say no, you have the guts to do what’s right when everyone else just runs away.

I want to make it very clear that you can use this thread to talk about the Olympics all you like.

I will be watching something else.

And you’re perfectly free to post your own essay, I might even promote it.

But to those who say that it doesn’t matter, that now that NBC has its advertisers ratings mean nothing, you couldn’t be more wrong.  They have guaranteed those advertisers a certain number of eyeballs and if NBC doesn’t make their numbers they have to give their sponsors free advertising until they do.

You have power.  You just have to have the willpower to use it.


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  1. Evidently, they’re starting Bewitched from episode 1 because it’s all about convincing Darrin that she actually is a witch.

    Last episode was about picking out a house next to the Kravits’ and meeting Endorra.

  2. but I couldn’t wait to share this.  It’s fantastic!  

  3. if you haven’t already. I am pumped about the game. Hoping Team Canada will prevail but not making any assumptions.

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 21:09

    If you want to follow the Hockey Final, the NYT will be doing Live Analysis: U.S. and Canada Fight for Hockey Gold

    Live Analysis from New York Times reporters Jeff Z. Klein, Charles McGrath and Greg Bishop at Canada Hockey Place in Vancouver, and insights from The Times’s Slap Shot blog contributor Stu Hackel. Post your comments throughout the game.

    It will be on here unless I can find away to disable the cable feed.

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 22:26

    the cheering from the other room tells me the Canadians are ahead 2 – 0.

    Corey Perry gives Canada a 2-0 lead. Canada gets some momentum from the penalty kill and the Anaheim duo, Ryan Getzlaf and Perry combine to score for Canada. They broke in the zone, and Patrick Marleau went hard to the net, Getzlaf found Perry breaking in behind Marleau, hit him with a pass and he had a lot of net to shoot at with the traffic in front of Miller. – Stu Hackel

    I’m also following David Waldman’s Tweets, he’s very amusing

    Canadians required by law to score in both English and French for it to count.

    OK, kids, Daddy needs to drink his special hockey apple juice.

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 22:32

    Ryan Kesler scores, and the Americans are on the board.

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 22:35

    If Canada wins, both countries set records. USA most Winter medals and Canada most golds.

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 22:38

    A Canucks Intrasquad Game

    Best part of the U.S.’s first goal was that it was teammate-on-teammate crime. Ryan Kesler (U.S., forward) plays for the Vancouver Canucks. He deflected Patrick Kane’s shot. Roberto Luongo plays for the Vancouver Canucks (Canada, goaltender). That puck deflected off of Kesler’s stick and Luongo’s body and found its way inside the goal.

    Wonder if they’ll talk about that in the locker room next week. – Greg Bishop

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 22:56

    This is one

    h/t plutoniumpage

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:02

    Re-tweet from KagroX

    on’t want to alarm anyone but apparently if Canada win the hockey it will be “the end of the Senate”.

    From KagroX

    “Don’t touch that dial.” What’s a dial?

    From Casual Wednesday

    Who remembers Winnipeg Jets vs. Hartford Whalers?

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:10

     This game would be a lot better with pipe organ music. Dah dah Dah. Dah dah Dah. DAH Da DAH… Doodley DO de DOOO! RAH!

    Longest unguarded border, eh? Go!

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:15

    Heh from Dana Houle via KagroX

    Remember, we can’t win if our goals only scored by Dems. Need bipartisn scoring or a gold medal wont be legitimate

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:29
    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:31

    Headed for over time. Lots of shouting down the hall mostly in French

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:37

    mattyglesias  Tied up! Suck it,Canada

    KagroX Ho! Lee! Shit!

    fivethirtyeight I try not to swear on Twitter, but holy fucking shit!

    cruickshank omfg empty net goal for USA

    cruickshank Hard to get all worked up about hating on Canada. Beating them would be like the class bully beating the nice smart kid

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:44

    http://vancouver2010.blogs.nyt… How the U.S. Scored]

    The U.S. swarmed in Canada’s zone in the last minute with the extra man. They continued fighting for pucks and when Canada cleared the zone, they came right back in. Canada could not stop them at the blue line and the U.S. – with desperation – stayed at it. Roberto Luongo’s shaky glove hand, which plagued him all game, played a role as he couldn’t freeze the puck and the U.S. recovered and set up the game-tying goal. Now it’s a one-shot game for the gold medal and anything can happen. – Stu Hackel

    Gretzky Falls to His Seat

    The Times’s Jeffrey Marcus is three rows from Wayne Gretzky, who fell to his seat and covered his face with his hands when Zach Parise scored. Stephen Harper, the prime minister of Canada, is slouched in his seat, staring at the scoreboard.

    With 24.4 seconds to play, Zach Parise ties the score and the game is going to overtime. Dustin Brown shot from the corner as time expired. The game is tied 2-2. The replay shows that after Patrick Kane shot, the puck hit Langenbrunner’s skate and bounced right to Parise, who put it over Roberto Luongo with 24.4 seconds left. – Stu Hackel

    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:54
  4. Terre de nos aïeux,

    Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!

    Car ton bras sait porter l’épée,

    Il sait porter la croix!

    Ton histoire est une épopée

    Des plus brillants exploits.

    Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,

    Protégera nos foyers et nos droits

    Protégera nos foyers et nos droits
    • TMC on February 28, 2010 at 23:59

    mattyglesias Well, we still have a bigger Army 🙁

    CasualWednesday Oh, Canada. My home and native land. Noting against Team USA, though. helluvagame.

    cruickshank And Canada gets its home gold medal. This is the only podium they really cared about owning. Cheers to Canada for hard-win victory

    cruickshank Of course, huge cheer to Team USA for making Canada earn it the hard way

    KagroX Now they’ll probably drink beer, the dirty Huns.

  5. Canadians have huge complexes about choking at big moments fun to hear Oh Canada sung loudly. Felt very very bad for the American team who were terrific. I must watch more Buffalo Sabres games Miller was great.

    • TMC on March 1, 2010 at 02:15


    congratulates Team Canada for an inspiring 2 weeks and a hockey game that ignited an entire continent!!!

    And from a Canadian MSF colleague Avril Benoit

    A sweet night to be a Canadian hockey fan. Grabbing my stick & gear to join my regular Sunday night broads on the ice. Love it.

    Congratulations Canada, great games even if we in the USA didn’t get to see enough of it.

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