Dangerous “Turtle Gap” Developin’ With Iran

( – promoted by buhdydharma )

America, you need to get scared RIGHT NOW!

As if socialism, Death Panels, and a potty-mouthed Chief-of-Staff weren’t enough to get ya cowerin’ under your ol’ beds there, we got ourselves a frightenin’ new problem:

Iran announced Wednesday it has successfully launched a 10-foot-long research rocket carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms into space – a feat President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said showed Iran could defeat the West in the battle of technology.

Now I don’t have to tell ya what dangers we would face if we start losin’ the turtle race to the Iran.  What’s that? . . . I DO need to explain it? . . . oh, I wasn’t prepared for that . . . but I’ll try!

Imagine a world where Iran has the capability of launchin’ turtles that can reach Israel.  (I’ll pause here while ya change your pants)  This would represent a fundamental change in the balance of power in that region there, requirin’ our military to respond with overwhelming force.  But ya just know Obama would be too wimpy to pull the trigger!  He’s like a point guard that just dribbles around without ever passin’ the ball, until eventually Iran pushes all the other players into the sea.  

Also, Iran launched a mouse and some worms into space, which could have some diabolical purpose too knowin’ the Iranians, but I’m pretty sure they were just somethin’ for the turtles to snack on, dependin’ on what kind of turtles they were:

For example, Map Turtles prefer eating meat, on the other hand the River Cooter’s diet comprises primarily of plants, then the Malayan Box Turtle’s feed should include lots of plants with only a small amount of meat, while the American Box Turtle is an omnivore which eats just about everything, and the Chinese 3-Striped Box Turtle’s diet comprises mostly of meat. Then there is the Red-Eared Slider, which begins by eating worms and bugs, but turns into an omnivore as it matures.

The situation with Iran’s space program could get worse though:

Also Wednesday, Ahmadinejad unveiled a new domestically built light booster rocket, named Simorgh, as well as three Iranian-built satellites – Mesbah-2, Tolo and Navid-e-Elm-o-Sanat – all part of Iran’s observing the National Day of Space Technology.  Officials said the Simorgh rocket can carry a satellite weighing 220 pounds up to 310 miles above the Earth.

The significance of bein’ able to launch 220 pounds into space means that turtles are just the first step – Iran could launch a human (well, other than Roger Ailes) into space.  At first I was worried that Iran might try launchin’ their gays into Israel, but then I was reminded that they don’t have any.  Still, it’s obvious that Ahmadinejad has more on his mind than turtles.

So what are we gonna do about this, America?  Sit back and let a turtle gap develop with Iran?  I don’t think so:

I call on NASA to immediately launch an overconfident hare into space to combat these Iranian turtles.  Since the hare is much faster than the turtle we could rest easy about defendin’ this great country of ours, and safely take a nap during Iran’s next space launch.


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  1. Be very, very frightened.

  2. posted at the ‘ol orange there.

  3. …  because of sticking accelerators.

    Just don’t try to go anywhere anymore.  Your vehicle could be used as a weapon of mass acceleration.

  4. Full of great references. Awesome.

  5. NASA is being outsourced.


    • Big Tex on February 4, 2010 at 03:26


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