(6 pm. – promoted by ek hornbeck)
Hey, don’t everyone thank me at once!
As my gift to this country that I love so much, I personally fixed that whole unemployment problem there by lowerin’ the unemployment rate from 10.2% to 10.0% last month. It was obvious that rampant socialism wasn’t gettin’ the job done, and that someone had to goose the free markets to get things rollin’ again. And I am that goose.
How, you may ask, did I save the country? With my book, of course! The publishing company had to hire millions (-ish) of new workers to print additional copies, plus all those pilots, stewardesses, and associated airport employees needed for my bus tour, and also all those additional mall employess for the crush of humanity linin’ up to get there books signed. The waves of free market activity are like a giant tiramisu rollin’ across the ocean!
The Labor Department’s report chose to focus on other gibberish rather than my book though, so it’s vitally important that you continue buyin’ more of my books to lick this unemployment problem:
Job creation is expected to remain far too weak in coming months to absorb the 15.4 million unemployed people who are seeking work – and 11.5 million others who are either working part-time but want full-time jobs or have given up job hunting. As more people begin seeking work, the jobless rate is likely to resume rising.
The report offered further evidence of how hard it remains to find employment: The number of people jobless for at least six months rose last month to 5.9 million, and the average length of unemployment rose to more than 28 weeks.
The report also states the average work week was 33.2 hours in November, which sounds low because someone on my staff told me other people work 40 hours per week. I can easily explain this discrepancy though, since people have been waitin’ in line for 6.8 hours to meet me and get their book signed. It sure beats workin’!
Also, on an unrelated note, but in a similar vein, I’d like to send a special shout-out to Orly Taitz and all you “birthers” out there in the real America. You know that I’m with ya when I said it was “fair game” for politicians to question Obama’s citizenship, but the intricate tap dancin’ needed to survive in today’s political climate forced me to post a vague back-trackin’ statement on my Facebook page:
Voters have every right to ask candidates for information if they so choose. I’ve pointed out that it was seemingly fair game during the 2008 election for many on the left to badger my doctor and lawyer for proof that Trig is in fact my child. Conspiracy-minded reporters and voters had a right to ask… which they have repeatedly. But at no point – not during the campaign, and not during recent interviews – have I asked the president to produce his birth certificate or suggested that he was not born in the United States.
It’s important to remember that I’ve never not clearly stated in an unambiguous way that Obama is, or is not, a Kenyan Muslim (probably gay) socialist liberal elite ACORN-lover who spends his time pallin’ around with terrorists at White House state dinners. I can’t be any more straightforward than that.
But a good Christian always prays for the President, no matter how Godless that illegal immigrant may be, so please bow your heads while you read this next part. No, wait . . . if ya bow your heads, how will you see my bloggin’ on your computers? Hmmm . . . OK . . . put your computer on the floor and THEN bow your heads to join me in prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thanks a bunch there, O Lord, for Your generous bounty,
As my book sales continue to go through the roof,
And my divine words continue inspirin’ Your flock,
To fight the evils of socialism at Amazon.com.
Also, O Lord, continue to watch over Your unemployed Americans,
Woe unto their suffering under this Democrat-controlled Congress!
Deliver unto them a Republican Congress in 2010,
And, if Ya get a chance, a Republican presidential candidate for 2012,
Who has the experience, values, and hot looks,
To vanquish Your enemies (like that Mormon one),
in the primary battles to come.