Thanks for helping. This has been hell for years.
I know I never wanted to hurt anyone, and at the same time, it’s not that difficult to see that nobody really wanted to hurt me either.
What I was missing was friendly outside perspectives.
I could sit here and write stories for years. Of the pain I felt, of the pain others felt. How it all went on and on and around and around.
But I’ve always been seriously into music, even when I’ve walked away from it for years.
This’ll do for a start
Dave Matthews, Typical Situation, 1995
I’m going through some rough personal stuff. It’s been going on for a very long time.
And nobody really did anything to me other than be confused and sad and upset and reacting badly.
And yeah, sometimes mean. And I probably was mean too occasionally, though I’d never admit that.
Not me. I’d NEVER ever be mean.
Well, I wouldn’t ever see it that way.
But what if I was mean and didn’t see it that way?
When I was in my early 20’s, my stepbrother took himself out. He was in his late teens. I loved him, it ripped me to shit.
We all loved him. He was about 19. It killed my mom’s marriage to her long-time friend and then husband.
It wasn’t anybody’s fault, though. It was so complicated. There was a history of early death in the family. Maybe hidden suicide. Who the hell knows.
How can you blame anyone for that? It would be so wrong.
My mom told me something about how fragile it all is, then. After the funeral, which she described as a really bad party that she wanted to be over ASAP.
I don’t really remember exactly what she said about human social fragility. But I remember how what she said felt.
Our human constructs are so fragile. They are so easily destroyed.
We can get angry and start pounding on each other’s constructs. We can do that because we think or feel we need to protect yourselves.
But really, we are all just fragile and scared, and trying to stay alive to help each other, no?
Best we can. Best we can.