Waterboards for ALL!

So I’m talking to my wife and she says, “If water-boarding’s not torture, why don’t we do it to kids who misbehave in school?”

I’m thinking of putting together a petition and going door-to-door. Present it to the local PTA with a few thousand signatures on it. Maybe they’ll build “The Dick ‘Dick’ Cheney Waterboarding Our Children Memorial Wing” onto the school? Make it big enough to do 20 or 30 at a time.

So what else can we use waterboarding for, since it’s not torture?

Should I waterboard the dog when he pees on the rug? The neighbor’s kid when he keeps throwing his damned ball in my yard? (“GET OFF MY LAWN!”)

How ’bout letting cops waterboard criminals who won’t confess? Speeders? People who ride a bike without a helmet?

Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments.

“Waterboarding. It isn’t just for breakfast, any more.”


    • Timbuk3 on June 10, 2009 at 05:02

    Wet rags now accepted! ;->

  1. Dogs (and human babies) exhibit the standard mammalian design for breathing and swallowing, wherein dogs (and human babies) can both drink and breathe at the same time without choking.  More mature humans cannot do this, because due to our special language skillz, we lose the standard design as we mature, which is why we have the Heimlich maneuver instead (and why waterboarding in the human mouth works!)

    We need to be cognizant of the dog’s and baby’s standard skillz, lest we lose the good fight against them.

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