( – promoted by buhdydharma )
I’m pretty gosh-darned frightened, America. Frightened of what’s happenin’ to this great country of ours when a beloved fly-over state like Iowa turns its activist judges loose to pee on the holy institution of marriage. Are patriotic Americans expected to stand idly by while gay people try to sign the same piece of paper in a church? In a state with the first presidential caucus no less? It’s time to draw a line in the sand! Or dirt, in Iowa’s case.
Let me give ya an example of how those gay marriages there are ruinin’ the patriotic marriages of real Americans. My husband (let’s call him “Todd”) likes to race snow machines. He is so devoted to it that he hired a 22-year-old personal snow machine mechanic from Sweden named Dagmar. So last Friday Todd comes home from ridin’ his snow machine, all sweaty and exhausted. I felt really sorry for him, bein’ away from his family all day, stuck with no one else around but Dagmar, and decided to let him score with me. But he was so distraught about the gay marriage ruling in Iowa that he couldn’t . . . well, let’s just leave it at that . . . he couldn’t. Never before has our marriage experienced such a dastardly attack!
(a photo of Dagmar and four of her sisters; I forget which one is her.)
This whole idea of “marriage equality” is givin’ me the willies. It’s bad enough that the gays are payin’ their taxes this time of year, like they’re regular Americans or somethin’. It gives ’em the gall to expect government services and equal protection under our laws just because they pay for it! Also Iowa can’t seem to keep their wicked government to themselves; since there isn’t a residency requirement to get marriage licenses there, gays from other states can sneak across the border and get married too. Which means, of course, that it won’t just be traditional marriages in Iowa under attack — ALL patriotic marriages are under attack.
So now it’s time for action, America! Ya know why these are called the UNITED States of America? Because we have the power to unite against Iowa and teach ’em a lesson in morality! We can make this the biggest grassroots patriotic movement since tea-baggin’ took the country by storm! Here is my plan:
Don’t eat food
Iowa is among the leading producers of corn, soybeans, beef, pork, eggs, and also lots of other tasty and nutritious stuff. We can hit Iowa in the ol’ pocketbook there by refusin’ to buy food and bringin’ their backwards rural economy to a standstill! It would have the added benefit of stinkin’ up the whole state with all that rotting unsold food (although Iowa smells pretty bad already). Now some of ya might be thinkin’ it ain’t healthy for 300 million people to all stop eating at once. May I suggest some tasty Alaskan salmon? Iowa produces hardly any Alaskan salmon.
Cancel all your insurance policies
The capital of Iowa, Des Moines, is a leadin’ center of the insurance industry. It’s almost as important to the insurance business as Hartford, CT., and Des Moinesians proudly refer to themselves as the “Hartford of the Midwest.” Well, that’s really settin’ your sights high, ain’t it? Maybe if Iowans weren’t aspirin’ to be like Northeast liberals they wouldn’t have gotten into this mess in the first place. So let’s all cancel our insurance policies and bring Iowa’s backwards rural economy to a standstill! Also it has the added benefit of flippin’ the ol’ bird there to Hartford.
Withhold your tourism dollars
I know it won’t be easy, but ya need to be restrainin’ yourself from visiting such American treasures as the future birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk in Riverside, IA; the World’s Largest Cheeto in Algona, IA; the Hobo Museum in Britt, IA; the Plow in the Oak Tree in Exira, IA; the Collection of Exotic Dirt in Sheldon, IA; the World’s Smallest Church in Festina, IA (still too big for a gay wedding though); the Herbert Hoover Presidential Library in West Branch, IA; and the Coffee Pot Water Tower in Stanton, IA. Spend your tourism dollars in nearby Nebraska instead! Nothing bothers Iowans more than losin’ out to Nebraska.
I just know if we all band together we can show Iowa the error of its ways. Now let’s close with a prayer for our success, shall we?
Dear Heavenly Father,
We’ve got a big problem down here, Lord!
Some of Your disobedient children ain’t readin’ the Bible like they should.
Give us the strength, O Lord, to impose our morals on ’em,
No matter what those activist judges say is legal and proper.
Protect those, O Lord, who are scorin’ the way You intended,
And punish anybody else who’s strayin’ from the playbook.
Please consider, O Merciful God, amendin’ Your ten commandments,
I think You left somethin’ out there when it comes to marriage,
But hey — nobody’s perfect the first time out, right?
We’ll look forward to gettin’ a revised copy.