(11 am. – promoted by ek hornbeck)
I’ve been worryin’ a lot lately about America losin’ it’s traditional values under our socialist President. Socialism, for those of you who talk about it all the time even though you don’t understand what it means, is the process of ruining the economy by removin’ the traditional role of religion from it. Obama is tryin’ a whole bunch of voodoo economic policies, and we all know how God feels about voodoo (it barely ranks above bein’ a Muslim). We’re gettin’ bombarded with lots of talk on how to fix the economy but we seem to be ignorin’ the One Voice we should be listenin’ to.
The Lord speaks in mysterious ways. One of these is through the stock market. The Dow Jones Industrial Average opened at 8279 on Inauguration Day. After watchin’ Obama destroy the economy for six weeks, God expressed His wrath by drivin’ the Dow all the way down to 6547 on March 9th. But then God’s chosen people (Republicans) implemented their 3-pronged economic recovery plan:
God loves this plan! He responded by raisin’ the Dow back up to 7924 on Thursday. It shows a Divine confidence in the resurgin’ conservative philosophy about fixin’ the economy. Take the tea-baggin’ plan, for instance. When our Founding Fathers were fightin’ the oppression of British socialism back in colonial times, they gave themselves a big tax cut by dumpin’ that over-taxed tea right into Boston Harbor there. And those brave tax-cutters won independence for America that very day in 1773.
Our modern tea-baggin’ parties are meant to reproduce that conservative spirit that freed its citizens (well . . . most of ’em anyway) from the cruel tyranny of their masters. On April 15th (Tax Day — get it?) a new breed of American patriots plan on dumpin’ their tea into America’s harbors, thereby breakin’ a bunch of those ridiculous environmental laws that liberals love so much, and crushin’ Obama’s plans for world socialism by deprivin’ him of the tax revenues on that tea. I was a little disappointed about choosin’ April 15th though, because the harbors here in Alaska will still be frozen, and dumpin’ tea out on the ice kinda loses its dramatic effect. Maybe we’ll bring some turkeys along to give the crowd more of a show.
Now, despite this solid foundation of Republican economic recovery plans, there is clearly somethin’ still holdin’ America back. I’m talkin’ about a lack of prayer. Yes, God is all-powerful, but He can’t fix the economy all by Himself. We need to help God by prayin’ to him, especially when potential Republican primary voters are watchin’ us. But too many liberal “Americans” make fun of us real Republicans when we pray, which makes the squishy Republicans (or RHINO’s — Republicans Hatin’ Incantations, Not Obama) run away from us true believers. I was describin’ this very thing while givin’ a speech at an Alaska GOP dinner last week about my debate with Joe Biden:
“So I’m looking around for somebody to pray with, I just need maybe a little help, maybe a little extra,” she said. “And the McCain campaign, love ’em, you know, they’re a lot of people around me, but nobody I could find that I wanted to hold hands with and pray.”
(Now, I know some of you are thinkin’ it’s kinda pretentious to be quotin’ myself in my own diary. What are you gonna do about it — sue me?)
Well, all I could do was pray by myself since none of those RHINO’s would help me. And thank God that God responded by helpin’ me smite Joe Biden in that debate. It just goes to show ya that prayer works! Also prayer has a much better chance of fixin’ our economy than Obama’s plan of spendin’ ourselves back to the Stone Age. Heck, the earth isn’t old enough to have had a Stone Age anyway! That’s just something the liberal archeological elites in this country are feedin’ us to distract us from prayin’ like we should be.
All this got me to thinkin’ that America needs new spiritual inspiration in these troubled times. Maybe a new “economy prayer” would bring patriotic Americans together in a way that can vanquish this runaway spending that the Washington crowd is shovin’ down our throats. Let’s see if I can get ya started:
Dear Heavenly Father
We’re beseechin’ Ya for guidance in these troubled economic times
Help us to smite the socialists who are takin’ over our government
Like that time You smote Hadadezer, son of Rehob, who was king of Zobah
You sure showed him who was boss!
Protect us, O Lord, from Barney Frank
Whose lifestyle choices and support for risky mortgages have led us astray
And bless us, O Lord, with Your divine tax cuts on capital gains
Which will help us more well-off patriots weather the economic storm
Please, O Lord, ease the tribulations of the Wall Street bankers
Whose campaign contributions are vital to patriotic politicians
Like the governor of Alaska, for instance
In closing, O Lord, give us a break, will Ya?
We’re tryin’ to keep Your traditional marriages safe
And we’re waterboardin’ Your enemies when the liberals ain’t lookin’
Also we’re doin’ our best to keep the Mexicans out of Your promised land
As You can see, Your patriots on earth kinda have their hands full!
So any help on our 401k’s would really hit the spot right now
Please consider addin’ this to your list of nightly prayers. Oh, wait . . . I forgot which website I was bloggin’ on . . . please consider sayin’ your nightly prayers for the first time ever! Your country, even though you obviously hate it, needs your prayers.