(8 pm. – promoted by ek hornbeck)
Brrrrrr!!!! It sure has been cold out lately, doncha think? Even Florida is havin’ trouble keepin’ their crops from freezin’ and lots of record low temperatures were observed there in the Midwest last week. What the heck ever happened to that Global Warming that Al Gore promised us? I was lookin’ forward to it! Nobody gets to see my best political assets if I’m all bundled up in a parka.
I ain’t the only one who thinks it’s cold out. A local businessman here in Fairbanks, Craig Compeau, is teachin’ Al Gore a lesson in meteorology. Compeau and local artist Steve Dean unveiled an ice sculpture of Al, over 8 feet tall, shiverin’ and lookin’ like a fool from bein’ so cold. Al is gonna have a lot of explainin’ to do when he testifies about climate change in the Senate next week. Gosh darn it, if only Uncle Ted was still in the Senate! He could grill Al about how the heck this giant sculpture can exist if the earth is really warmin’ up.
What inspired Compeau and Dean to sculpt a giant Al Gore? Well, it’s located near the Thrifty Liquor Store on Cushman Street, so that might be a clue there for ya. But the larger point is that Global Warming is complete hooey. A few whining polar bears shouldn’t get us all jumpin’ through hoops to cut down on pumpin’ greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere. It’s one of our most precious freedoms! Thus inspiration was born:
Compeau said he hatched the idea for the carving when talking to another businessman two weeks ago, when much of Alaska was suffering from one of the coldest snaps in recent memory. By the time Dean was done with the carving, however, the temperature had warmed to record-breaking highs in the upper 40s.
Now, I know what you’re thinkin’ (it’s one of my many superpowers): “What about the Peninsula Winter Games held annually in Soldotna? I heard it’s been so warm there that they won’t be havin’ their usual ice sculptures.” Let me answer that as straightforwardly as possible. It’s none of your beeswax! We’ll be goin’ ahead with the Monopoly tournament and also the other fun activities that the Peninsula Winter Games are known for. We just won’t be havin’ the ice sculptures that the Peninsula Winter Games are known for. Never, ever again the way this weather is lookin’. But come on down and be sure to bring the kids!
Also I would like to address the situation in Emmonak, a village here in Alaska that’s been gettin’ a lot of attention lately with complaints that I ain’t doin’ anything while they’re freezing and starving because of high fuel costs. It’s true that havin’ to pay between $3/gallon and $9/gallon for heating fuel can hit the ol’ pocketbook kinda hard. But that can be easlily offset by the patriotic spirit of true Alaskans, like this person who commented on the linked story:
its ok villagers, you need to stop depending on the white man for answers and live like your elders. if you didnt kill enough animals in the fall to make it through the winter, people will starve/die. im tired of seeing priests come into my home and stealing my cooked weiners and french toast.
Powerful words indeed! I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Despite it’s disturbin’ lack of apostrophes, this comment really crystalizes the plight of white Alaskans havin’ to fend off beggars, welfare queens, incompetent hunters, and sticky-fingered priests.
The temperature ain’t the only thing that’s freezin’ here in Alaska. I announced in my State of the State manifesto that the state government is institutin’ a hiring freeze. So those people in Emmonak can rest assured that I’m sharin’ their pain by not hirin’ any hair stylists or personal shoppers in this time of crisis. Also I’m thinkin’ about firin’ some more state troopers to help ease the ol’ budget burden there.
Also too I used my speech to poke fun at myself in the adorable way that patriotic Americans just love:
2008 was the year when America looked to Alaska, and one of our own sprang to national attention. There was political drama, controversy, lively debate, a few awkward moments and in the end, some disappointment. But what a glorious debut for a unique Alaskan – and we congratulate our former Senator Mike Gravel.
Ha, ha, ha! I am so much funnier than that bitch Tina Fey.