Celebrate the new Madison Avenue pseudo-holiday: VALKYRIE FRIDAY!

(noon. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

Forget Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Valkyrie Friday (well, this year it’s Friday) is the day after Christmas! The shopping mall battlefields are strewn with the dead and wounded misfit toys that didn’t make the cut while the wild-eyed mobs ran through the aisles like the bulls at Pamplona. Fly, fly, my sisters and brothers, and rescue the heroic offerings presented to you by a desperate consumer kingdom as is your sacred duty!

While those who have fulfilled their glassy-eyed Christian obligation to obtain material goods by a certain morning rest at home, replete with sated consumerism and shaking the blood of WalMart employees from their shoes (PAAAA-RAIZZZE JEEZUS!), those of us who have resisted the multi-limnal marketing bombardment of the previous weeks for whatever reason now have our chance.

Everything is half price! Some stuff is less than half price! This is all the STUFFFFFFF!!!!! that didn’t move, and now it can be YOURS!!!!! Can I get a “HOI KRIEGER!” everybody! Heed the wise post-9/11 words of Der FucktardFuhrer and GO SHOPPING!

Not heathen? Don’t sweat it. You, too, can participate in Valkyrie Friday! We heathens are very cool with the whole equal opportunity fare forth and pillage concept! Besides, even you Christians are going to need all the hunter/gatherer practice you can get in the future your global corporate masters have prepared for you. Just consider Valkyrie Friday to be a rehearsal for Job Hunt New Year’s and Food Riot President’s Day.

Oh, and by the way, don’t forget that the best way to celebrate the very first Valkyrie Friday is by going to SEE THE MOVIE!


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  1. It’s MY breastplate, I saw it first!

  2. just for the line about “shaking the blood of WalMart employees from their shoes.” Its a horrifying testament indeed!!!!

  3. …for “why didn’t you tell me about the white sale” alone.

    I will buy a USB turntable and a new 1u server if I don’t have to watch Tom Cruise.

  4. I walked freely into a Holy Best Buy on the day after Christmas.  The returneth of a gift.  The bypass of the Sacred Lineth of peasants who did not have a daugter who worketh at said Holy Best Buy.

    If lookeths could killeth I surely would have been deadeth.

  5. everyone gift worthy on my list is getting an American Express card worth $20.

    They can get whatever the hell they want, won’t have to return anything, and I can do all my shopping at the grocery store, where I gotta go anyway.

    Then they can go to the bastion of greedy enterprise on Valkyrie Friday and buy all they want of the half price ugly sweaters they didn’t get from me.

  6. and here I thought I was being somehow elevated in character by AVOIDING this kind of shit this year.

    We just closed on our house, the wife and I just had a dandy spat about the fucking artificial Christmas tree (the fucker goes in the GARAGE. We live in Vermont, dammit, and I’m going to the tree farm this weekend. So there.) and for Christmas, the boys are getting….XBox? PS2? Pokemon?

    No….a DOG.

    You’ll excuse me. I have to resume surfing the Web for parts for my woodstove. I found about 500-plus bucks worth of 7″ metalbestos tubing for $175. Now I gotta find some brick and cinderblocks – those narrow kind with the elliptical hole, wtf are they called, Cape Cod blocks? – and a storm collar and a hat. Stove itself last. I got a fuckin’ cord and a half of wood I gotta move, along with everything else.

    Peace out, babies. Rockin’ t3h Solstice.

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