The Stars Hollow Gazette

Volume doesn’t work for me, I have to turn it up.  Lyrics below.

I am reminded at this point of a fellow I used to know who’s name was Henry, only to give you an idea of what an individualist he was he spelt it HEN3RY. The 3 was silent, you see. Henry was financially independent having inherited his father’s tar-and-feather business and was therefore able to devote his full time to such intellectual pursuits as writing. I particularly remember a heart-warming novel of his about a young necropheliac who finally achieved his boy-hood ambition by becoming coroner.

The rest of you can look it up when you get home. In addition to writing he indulged in a good deal of philosophizing. Like so many contemporary philosophers he especially enjoyed giving helpful advice to people who were happier than he was. One particular bit of advice which I recall, which is the reason I bring up this whole, dreary story is something he said once before they took him away to the Massachussetts state home for the bewilderd. He said: “Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” It’s always seems to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic, positive thinking that we so desperately need in these trying times of crisis and universal broo-ha-ha, and so with this in mind I have here a modern positive dynamic uplifting song in the tradition of the great old revival hymns. This one might more accurately be termed a survival hymn.

When you attend a funeral,

It is sad to think that sooner or

Later those you love will do the same for you.

And you may have thought it tragic,

Not to mention other adjec-

Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do.

But don’t you worry.

No more ashes, no more sackcloth.

And an armband made of black cloth

Will some day never more adorn a sleeve.

For if the bomb that drops on you

Gets your friends and neighbors too,

There’ll be nobody left behind to grieve.

And we will all go together when we go.

What a comforting fact that is to know.

Universal bereavement,

An inspiring achievement,

Yes, we all will go together when we go.

We will all go together when we go.

All suffuse with an incandescent glow.

No one will have the endurance

To collect on his insurance,

Lloyd’s of London will be loaded when they go.

Oh we will all fry together when we fry.

We’ll be french fried potatoes by and by.

There will be no more misery

When the world is our rotisserie,

Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

Down by the old maelstrom,

There’ll be a storm before the calm.

And we will all bake together when we bake.

There’ll be nobody present at the wake.

With complete participation

In that grand incineration,

Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.

Oh we will all char together when we char.

And let there be no moaning of the bar.

Just sing out a Te Deum

When you see that I.C.B.M.,

And the party will be “come as you are.”

Oh we will all burn together when we burn.

There’ll be no need to stand and wait your turn.

When it’s time for the fallout

And Saint Peter calls us all out,

We’ll just drop our agendas and adjourn.

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas.

Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dolla’s.

And we will all go together when we go.

Ev’ry Hottenhot and ev’ry Eskimo.

When the air becomes uranious,

And we will all go simultaneous.

Yes we all will go together

When we all go together,

Yes we all will go together when we go.


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  1. I could have talked about many things, but this seemes to sum it up.

  2. Missed you. Glad you’re back.

    It is really hard on the peasants when the feudal lord goes away on a long journey leaving as enigmatically as he came.

    The order of the universe becomes skewed and we imagine devils and magicians are in our midst promising trinkets and eternal salvation.

    Or… not.

  3. Didn’t play the video first… but while reading the song

    couldn’t help but think of Tom Lehrer…Low and behold!!

    It’s Tom his own damn self!!!  Most enjoyable show I ever

    saw was ‘Tomfoolery‘  

  4. more sick stuff to cheer me up. Thanks your just the ticket in these strange and getting stranger times.  

  5. Stars is back from vacation, my work routine was disrupted by its absence.  

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