John McCain: An Australian Manchurian Candidate?

Our friends over on the other side of the aisle are having quite the debate about whether or not to use middle names when referring to Dem candidates, and watching the schism develop between the thinking conservatives and their knuckle-dragging cousins is getting to be some great popschadenfruedecorn fun.  On the rather turgid rec list at RedState, a “blog” entitled To Hussein or not to Hussein… (Danger: RedState) has generated nearly 100 comments – a huge number, by rightroots standards.  The more respectable of the commenters are trying to point out that the meme is rather loud for a dog whistle; they’re up against a contingent that somehow sees repetition as proof that they are not themselves racists.

Best of luck to the side fighting the good fight over there, but the point of this diary isn’t to analyze the Unmasking of the Know-Nothings – it’s to point out what’s being overlooked in the whole debate: That John McCain has a middle name, too!.  And you know what?

It’s Sidney!!!  That’s just ONE LETTER AWAY from spelling SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA!!!

Please join me below the fold for the sounding out of 2008’s latest dog whistle, as well as some disturbing news about our plotting mates from Down Under.

Another Illegitimate Republican President?

First off, John McCain is ineligible to run for president under Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution:

No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President;

McCain was born at Coco Solo Naval Air Station in the Panama Canal Zone, which makes him about as “natural-born” as a beaker-grown clone.  I, too, once lived in Panama, and I can solemnly assert that it is not the United States.  If our conservative friends really wish to exert their “intellectual honesty,” they will admit that a strictly constructionist view of the Constitution would preclude anyone born outside our borders from becoming our president, regardless of whether or not his parents are citizens or serving members of the military.  After all, who knows what effect drawing foreign air as one’s first breath might have on a future would-be president?

McCain’s suspiciously overseas birth provided the Australians an opportunity for which they had been waiting for generations.  This is plainly visible on the map below:

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Note that both Australia and Panama have Pacific coasts!!!  It is also worth noting that Panama is only a few degrees North of the Equator, and we all know that Australia is south of the Equator – certainly any attempt to, say, kidnap and brainwash the newest John Sidney McCain would be facilitated by the proximity of the two nations. Note that in this map, the government of Palau even used the same color for Panama and half of Australia!!!.  Poetic license, or geo-freudian slip?

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If they had their druthers, the Aussies would foist a map like the one above upon our schoolchildren, forcing us to adopt their bizarre, upside-down view of the world.

I say “newest” John Sidney McCain because there were two before him, both notable figures in the US Navy.  This in itself is suspicious, since the Navy has ships – and ships are exactly what one would need if one wanted to arrange a multi-generational plot to take over the United States and deliver it into the hands of the Wombat Masters of Wogga-Wogga.

Why would a proud naval family do such a thing?  Hard to say, but what’s clear is the common origin of both John McCain and many Australians: they’re all rife with Scottish and Irish blood.  I am, too, but that doesn’t really matter here – I’m not the one who intends on selling us out to Canberra.  John McCain is, probably because of some act of repression by some Englishman upon some common ancestor back in the 17th century, but even that doesn’t matter in the world as recently redefined by Republicans, wherein reasons aren’t nearly as important as results.  

Since adopting Republican theology forwards my argument in this case, I’ll go ahead and assert that the names “Sydney” and “Sidney” were decided upon as code words at a meeting (I have no further information or sourcing on this particular meeting) between future Australian McCains and future American McCains at a windswept castle in the highlands of Scotland in 1787.  That’s why the guy who first sailed into Sydney Cove, Arthur Philip, the next year didn’t name it after himself!!!.  This clearly proves that Australians have been in league with the McCain family since the days of the Articles of Confederation.

Okay, Moonbat!  I believe you!  How will the McCainstralians defeat us?! What’s their evil plan?!  What are their fiendish goals?!

No less than complete domination of the North-West and South-East Hemispheres.  Their intention, I have on good authority, is to create some kind of Trans-Pacific Co-Prosperity Sphere, with the United States a vassal of Greater Australia.  The even longer-range plan is to incorporate America into Australia by making us the country’s 7th through 57th new states.

McCain’s capitulation to the Aussie Menace will simply be the last step in a tragedy that’s been long, but subtle, in its unfolding.  For decades, Australians have been buttering us up, trying to redefine even our language in ways that could get us killed.  Remember that “Australian for Bee-ah” ad campaign from a few years back?  Remember the one where it showed a friggin’ Great White Shark and called it a “guppy?”  Tell me, what but an evil, nefarious plot could be behind a campaign designed to sow fatal ichthiological confusion in Americans who previously thought they had nothing to fear from guppies?

More recently, a certain corporate-clone “family” restaurant has seen its “No Rules, Just Right” philosophy make inroads in American society via its carefree Australian theme and its perilously tasty deep-fried onions.  Leaving the onions as a side, let’s take a deeper look at that statement of belief, for in it we can see the cunning nature of the Ameristralian cabal:

  • No Rules – camouflaged in the devil-may-care jauntiness that the Aussies have trained us to associate with them anyway is a clear message that McCain intends to continue the Bushian policies of not adhering to rules, and/or of defining and applying them with the caprice of a kangaroo.
  • Just Right – kinda speaks for itself when you look at it this way, hunh?

From cosmetics to popular music, Australian influence is everywhere in our society, always lurking just below the surface, but needing only hear the sound of a war-didgeridoo to bring out the mobs of southern-cross-flag-waving platypus-lovers.  We should be afraid.  We should be very afraid.

The Secret Weapon

Years ago, I encountered an Australian in a pub in Ireland.  Warily, I pumped him for information and plied him with Guinness, and at the end of the evening, as the innkeep was kindly asking us to “Git yer soddin’ arses out o’ me fookin’ pub,” my persistence paid off: He told me about the Drop Bears.

They’re like koalas, apparently, except that they have glowing red eyes (this, incidentally, was the part my companion couldn’t get past without laughing, which was the giveaway that he was hiding something big).  They lie in wait in the branches, and drop upon the heads of their unsuspecting victims – then these horrific creatures go to work with their mighty talons, tearing open skulls and feasting upon the brains of the unfortunate creature caught in their grasp.

You may laugh, but I hope it’s a nervous one.  You may also be muttering, “surely such an abomination cannot exist in nature,” which prompts me to ask: What if these things do exist, and our Aussie “mates” have kept them secret, waiting for exactly this moment?  What if they’ve been breeding them in offshore facilities (there’s that pesky McCain connection again!)?  Think about it: who’s more likely to be out in the woods, where a Drop Bear could get them – a single-issue Republican, or a eco-friendly Dem?  Yeah, I thought so.

But Why?  Why is John Sydney McCain Doing This To Us?

I don’t know this for sure, but I think I heard somewhere that the Republican candidate for president once owned shares in the Kraft Corporation, which as we all know markets a line of vegemite in The Remote Continent and its satellite islands.  Now, I won’t descend into tired clichés about vegemite; let’s just say that forcing leftover brewer’s yeast upon the American palette will have dire consequences for both our taste buds and our self-esteem as a nation (forcing a smile for our Outback Overlords through a mouthful of vegemite-covered cracker is gonna require the sublimation of everything American about us) and leave it at that.

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Does anything about the label on the jar on the far right look familiar?

The attack continues on multiple fronts – just look at the latest season of “American” Idol.  Not only is one of the contestants Irish (remember, John McCain is Scots-Irish), but one of the “crowd favorite” beefcakes is from – you guessed it – Australia.  He’s only the latest in a long line of hunks to show up on our shores, bent on convincing our women that guys in America are kinda lame and have boring accents.  I say we need to build a big friggin’ fence to keep these guys from making me feel guilty about my singing voice, acting talent, and physique, and do you think John Sydney McCain is gonna build something like that?  Hell no!

There’s much to do, and little time to do it.  We’ve got to get the message out – we can do the fact-checking later.  That’s why this diary proudly includes no source links to any of my conjectures and theories – I’ve got a message to get across, dammit; let’s leave the “research” to the eggheads and other Very Serious People.

From now on, I’m not only going to call the Republican candidate “John Sidney McCain III” – I’m even going to change the spelling of his middle name, so that it better reflects where stands the man’s true allegiance.

EXPOSE THE LIES!!!  ASSOCIATE WHERE NO ASSOCIATION IS WARRANTED!!!!

And most importantly,

DOWN WITH JOHN SYDNEY MCCAIN!!!  

11 comments

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  1. do not underestimate the power of fables, especially in the internet age.

    For years I thought monsters lived down the hill because my mom told me there were monsters living down the hill.  One day my soccer ball went rolling down the hill to where the monsters lived.  I never went down to get the ball.

    • C Barr on March 3, 2008 at 6:08 am

    when I was a kid.  Wrote an essay titled, “Sidney the Perfect Pet” as part of earning the Pet Merit Badge in Boy Scouts.  He was a cool turtle.  Kind of high strung though.

  2. time ’til November!

    Oh, and nolb, your mother was right, there are monsters

    living down the hill.  Good call not going after that ball.

  3. I think you made a mistake. McCain’s middle name isn’t Sidney, it’s Snidely.

  4. All those times I thought it was cute to say “G’day,” I was really committing treason and showing my lack of patriotism. Thanks Moonbat for setting me straight. I’ll say 7 “pledge of allegiances” and promise to never do it again if I can be forgiven.  

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