Okay, look, we got a secret spy sat going up. Even more under the cover is that we will be sending it up on our new version of the Atlas 5 rocket. But for the love that is all good and proper, don’t tell anyone! Especially the Russians and Chinese, they will be pissed.
Oh, and also, do not tell anyone we launched yesterday, Thursday, March 23, 2008, at exactly 3:02 a.m. Because then they could track it, they being THE PEOPLE YOU MUST NOT SAY A WORD TOO! I mean, my god, if they knew when and where (VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE, California, Space Launch Complex-3 East (SLC-3E), but plz stfu about this!) it was shoot off, it could easily be tracked! They would know about our secret sat before it even achieved its orbit!
I mean my god, why won’t you shut up about the 191-foot-tall rocket that carried a classified satellite for the National Reconnaissance Office, the agency that oversees the nation’s constellation of spy satellites.
No one is to know! So please, forget that super duper secret sat has successfully reached orbit.
And whatever you do, don’t tell the media!
What? Really? Oh for pete’s sake:
U.S. launches secret satellite
VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE, California (AP) — An Atlas 5 rocket carrying a secret U.S. satellite lifted off before dawn Thursday, officials said.
The 191-foot-tall booster blasted off from the southern end of the Central Coast air base at 3:02 a.m.
“It went great,” said Mike Rein, a spokesman for United Launch Alliance, which made the rocket.
But Rein said he couldn’t confirm whether the satellite had successfully reached orbit, “because of the nature of the launch.”
The Atlas 5 carried a classified satellite for the National Reconnaissance Office, the agency that oversees the nation’s constellation of spy satellites. No details of the mission were released.
The launch was delayed for two weeks as a precaution against possible space debris from a failed U.S. spy satellite that was blown up by a missile launched from a Navy ship.
The Atlas 5 is made by the United Launch Alliance, a joint venture by Lockheed Martin Corp. and Boeing Co. The rocket is designed to reduce costs and provide reliable access to space for heavier military payloads.
USA! USA! USA!
At least there isn’t a YouTube video of the Atlas 5!
What? You dirty apes! This is called national security?