Gloomy Around the Edges and Foggy in the Middle

I read some of my words today and notice that I spell Barack Obama’s name wrong and I wonder how that came about.  He seems to be the front runner in the most important race in my personal lifetime right now.  I realize that it is part of the disconnect I feel with him, I suppose it was my ego’s freudian slip of an insult to him that only my freudian ego knows about and sits in the corner giggling to self over.

Who am I, this fucking person who listens to an Obama speech and sinks into darkness and the more people who cheer the darker everything gets around me?  I am an American soldier’s wife and the mother of his frequently fatherless children.  I’m a caring human being who has witnessed and taken part in lies and deceit that killed thousands.  I have felt very alone in all of this many many times and fearlessly allowed my mental melt downs to be witnessed by many……what the hell….I’m not going to live forever so all that won’t matter forever damn it!

Some Obama supporters say they are tired of fighting and I say that’s only because they are those of us who have a choice here.  Some Democrats seeking unity seem to be completely blind to the fact some of America is in giant pain right now and doesn’t have a choice of whether or not to fight if they intend to continue to live.  The abusers and the sociopaths that are in our midst and part of the what we WANT to be believe is OUR civil society……..I see them all too clearly and I don’t want to embrace them.  Every voice in my being, my inner child if you want to call it that, screams out “NO!” when it comes to embracing the sociopaths and just letting the “bad stuff” slip away.  A lot of that “bad stuff” has BEEN my life these past five years………so none of it really mattered and it was all just a bad dream or it was just bad unhappy ideas?  Then how come people are missing arms and legs and minds and how come people are flat out missing around me?  I hope this funk passes soon.  I really have a hard time tolerating Obama speeches right now and I really have a hard time tolerating all that “Let’s Get Fired Up” chanting stuff.  Remember, I used to be a cheerleader and I know how that shit works.  A pep rally rocks too but during the football game I couldn’t help but notice that when things were getting really real the only person who came to care about all of my cheering was somebody’s ole Uncle Pervy in his front row seat………..just sayin.


Skip to comment form

  1. Some Obama supporters say they are tired of fighting and I say that’s only because they are those of us who have a choice here.

    Regardless of who wins the White House, the fight you’re referring to will continue.  I feel the same way as you even though my circumstances are entirely different.

    There’s nothing to cheer about, imo.

    • nocatz on January 6, 2008 at 22:16

    and don’t forget…

    • kj on January 6, 2008 at 23:40

    what words or actions might comfort, i’ll say or do them right now.  {{{tracy}}}

  2. And I wasn’t a cheerleader because pep rallies filled me with dread.

    Anybody who does not just get depressed from this whole scene once in a while has a) already had a lobotomy or b) has some really good drugs they need to be sharing or c)completely and utterly oblivious to what is going on around them.

    I come from family of depressives and my mother claims nobody around us is really as happy as they look, it is all a fucking act. Maybe this “let’s get all fired up” stuff is just a false pump up, not on purpose, but a recognition that people do feel shitty.

    • Alma on January 7, 2008 at 01:15

    But I think there’s a lot of us in the same place.  I haven’t found a magic cure-all yet, and kind of doubt if I will.  But if I do, I’ll be sharing it with everyone.

  3. cheers me, big time really!  Can you imagine how difficult it would be for me to gather some counterparts like you guys up here in Enterprise AL?  Imagine the search party it would have required to find half of you ;)?  Thank the Gods for the internet so now we can move more in the direction of demanding foreign policy that works and maybe we could pull together enough time and people to fix something in New Orleans.  I’m halfway out of this funkalious, perhaps a good night’s sleep will have fully lit new paths (neuropathways) when I awaken.  It has been known to happen a lot with me when it comes to that old fashioned remedy of using the restoration and rejuvenation powers of sleep.  It’s 7:18 pm here and I’m thinking 9:30 pm would be a good night night time for me.

    • nocatz on January 7, 2008 at 01:52

    (sans snark)

  4. You have my sympathy, MT, fwiw. There’s nothing like being stuck in a place like that when it comes to depression.

    I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom for you, but we all know that’s not going to happen. If it’s any help, I’m here for you and a lot of other people are, too.

    And look, a ray of hope — at least you still have your sense of humor or you couldn’t have written this!

    the only person who came to care about all of my cheering was somebody’s ole Uncle Pervy in his front row seat………..just sayin.

  5. With but a small understanding

    One may follow the Way like a main road,

    Fearing only to leave it;

    Following a main road is easy,

    Yet people delight in difficult paths.

    When palaces are kept up

    Fields are left to weeds

    And granaries empty;

    Wearing fine clothes,

    Bearing sharp swords,

    Glutting with food and drink,

    Hoarding wealth and possessions

    These are the ways of theft,

    And far from the Way.

  6. Just can’t “get into” the campaign speeches.  I’m Not really sure why–I think it’s because I listened and believed before the 2006 elections and have been deeply disappointed (and often angered) by all those who “talked the talk” but haven’t “walked the walk” since Nov. 2006.

    I’ve promised myself to not be so gullible this go ’round.  Tho I’m not from Missouri, the political types will have to “show me” before I believe them any more.  Till then, I’ll try to be mildly hopeful, hold their feet to the fire at every opportunity and “believe” only when they prove themselves.

Comments have been disabled.