I am a little hesitant to make New Year’s resolutions. Can you tell? I am especially reluctant this year because it will likely be a tough year emotionally. Grandma is not doing well, my mother seems to think she is just basically running out of energy and has called me several times this year feeling at her wit’s end. I am planning on going home in January and my sense is that it won’t be a restful visit. My mother called today and said she thinks grandma is hanging on for my visit and after that she is very uncertain. Mom is not the overly dramatic type and interestingly, earlier this year she expressed to me that she was not ready for her to go and now she feels sad watching my grandma struggle so hard with fatigue and try so hard just to do routine things and is more ready to let her go. It doesn’t matter if your parents or grandparents are elderly and ill and running out of steam…. nobody entirely wants to let go. I am steeling myself for a sad visit.
A little sadness is good, I think. We spend so much time effort and energy into avoiding pain and sadness that when it hurts you perhaps it is more intense? Life is sad, that is the price we sometimes pay for living for being allowed to experience the wonders of the universe. Everything does not have a happy ending. Sometimes there are no clear cut resolutions and we don’t get that “closure” we seek probably because life and the universe is an endless wheel not a 30 minute sit com or an hour long family drama in which the main character just hug it out at the end. Packages are not always wrapped neatly in our world, we are not always as witty, articulate or as wise as we think we should be and loved ones who were once vibrant just lose that light. It is all at once so simple and very very complicated.
A few simple goals for myself this year. Get back on the exercise wagon, keep up with my housework in a more systemic way, learn to deal with my anger triggered by a few particular people at work who always seem to know how to get my inner goat, and accept that my grandma might just be ready to vacate the world soon whether we want her to or not.
What are your hopeful goals this year????
Remember…. hang out and chit chat but don’t rec pony party, when you are done here go read one of the excellent offerings on our recent and rec’d list.