President George Bush today held a press conference to officially “come out” as a dyed in the wool sociopath. Addressing the reporters present he declared himself “Loud, Proud, and totally committed to fucking over the entire world”. “I’m on a mission to alienate, piss off, destabilize and kill as many motherfuckers as possible with my remaining time in office”. I’m tired of pretending to be something that I’m not, and I’m tired of hiding behind this whole compassionate conservatism thingy Bush said. He then gave a smirking thumbs up to those in the room, a move obviously mocking his predecessor Clinton’s famous crowd pleasing gesture.
Todays presser started out with the usual fare led by part time Press Secretary Dana Perino, when Bush walked in unannounced, strode up to the podium and told Perino “I’ll take it from here Hotpants, now shut the fuck up and go make me a sandwich”. Perino looked somewhat stunned, took a few steps back and started diddling herself underneath the huge oval White House Logo.
After his initial announcement, which reporters are now referring to as his “coming out party”, Bush offered to field a few questions.
“Ask anything you want you chicken shit fuckers” he said.
Helen Thomas, first to respond, asked Bush if he was “positive” he was a sociopath.
“Helen it’s funny you should ask that being your the one who comes from a long line of Terrist Ayrab Jihaders.
Who gives a shit about labels, Psychopath, sociopath, what-fucking-ever. Look here Helen, I’ve been busy since the day I got sweared in this office doing the hard work of sick fuckers like me everywhere. Just look at a few things I’ve accomplished.
Torture is now an integral part of our military doctrine, hell we torture them rag-head fuckers just for the fun of it now! That’s right, I decidered it was a good policy.
My lawyers wrote up Patriot acts I and II to keep you idiots in the homeland in line. Fuck that constitution bullshit, it’s nothing but asswipe to me.
I did the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq and all you stupid fuckers cheered me on!
I’ve made Porongraphically huge cash give-aways to my rich pals a part of my daily rituals.
Here’s a fun one: illegal spying on anyone and everyone I feel like. And I feel like it a lot.
A national debt so big I can’t even pronounce the word. How do you say Bajillion Zillion anyway?
I got Secret prisons where I can have you tortured for eternity for any reason I choose.
Need a cattle prod up yer ass while strapped to a board with battery cables hooked to your balls?
LMAO, I can hook you up!
I left the south coast to drown and die in their own waste after Katrina. Now that was a fucking hoot!
Just a few days ago some of those big fancy newspapers said there might be as many as a million dead Iraqis thanks to me. How many people can claim that little accomplishment!
This is big Godamn fun Helen, more fun that blowing up frogs, snorting coke off some skanks ass, or doing shots at the Skull and Bones club, and it’s about fucking time I got credit for it.
I’m not even going to start going on about all I’ve manged to do to the environment.
Karl always wanted me to blame the libruls for everything that’s wrong, well fuck that, I did it, and it’s about Godamn time I got to feel good about it!”
Bush let out a depraved chuckle and then said he could go on for another hour with his list of clusterfucks, evil deeds and examples of his successes but he wanted to take a moment to recognize his mommy for making him who he is today. Waving to the cameras present Bush mouthed the words “Hi Mommy” and then stated:
” I took the family values my mommy gave me when I was a little george and worked really hard to put them to good use. Mommy always told me I was bigger and better than that dad guy I got. Fuck him anyway. And fuck that fat bastard Jeb too.
My mommy loves me a lot and I try my bestest to make her proud of me.
I love you Mommy”
Some blowhard from Faux News then asked Bush if the family values he inherited from his mommy
were ones he had tried perpetuate in his own family.
“Me and the Mrs. are proud of how we raised up our kids. I’ve tried hard to pass on the Bush family Doctrine to them and I think they’ve done a heck-a-va job growin’ up.
They mostly take after me, and I gotta tell ya I can’t be more proud.”
Bush then waved off further questions from the gaggle, pulled out his pecker and pissed all over Perino, who had been standing by with a sheepish look on her face. This drew a large round of applause from the captive crowd while Bush walked off the stage, pumping his fist in the air. Perino then declared the press conference over, and thanked the President for allowing her to participate.