Scientists at the Large Greenwald Collider (LGC) in Brazil say they have discovered new sub-atomic particles heretofore only theoretically postulated. The traditional method of colliding elephon and donkon particles using high-energy, extremely magnetized word-tunnels has so seldomly yielded results, that taxpayers wonder whether trivially inexpensive projects like the LGC are worth it.
Scientists have long postulated that a particle known as the waron was composed of constituent hardons, paultons, and pwogdorks, each thought to have extremely different properties, but they did not understand how they worked together to always produce the same result, what scientists jokingly refer to as “atomic war.”
The current experiments showed that by smashing paultons and pwogdorks together, the once only-imagined particles, the reezon and the partizan, can and do exist separately for nanoseconds in their respective matter/anti-matter states before annihilating one another. Thus only the hardon particle survives, and a perpetual state of “atomic war” ensues.
Canadian philosopher of science Ian Welsh agreed with the basic results, but added that it doesn’t really matter whether the paulton and pwogdork collide, because it’s all going into the black hole, anyway, only the rate of travel differs, concluding, “I see no scenario in which things don’t crack up, completely.”
Critics dismissed the evidence and said that the people working at the LGC are simply “assholes,” and refused further comment.
Scientists assured the public that this finding has no significance outside the laboratory, and that the experiment’s danger to the general public was so far beyond their imagination that they need not worry.