“You know, like a good Jew, I was probably at a Chinese restaurant.”
-Elena Kagan at her confirmation hearing, responding to Lindsay Graham’s question, “Where were you on Christmas Day?”
Justice Kagan — Definitely good for the Jews, and a perfect introduction for the Upper West Fourth Annual Jewish Christmas Eve Diary, in which each December 24, we Torah folk huddle around a handsome piece of driftwood,* rest after a tough war on Christmas and review the year for Yids.
(cross-posted on Kos)
And 2010? Well, just for starters, this year I realized that Barack Obama is a Jew. Don’t believe me? Follow me below:
The Year in Jews:
1. Barack Obama
The Birthers and Dunkers have it all wrong. Obama cannot be a Muslim. First, as we know by reading certain diaries here, he is a capitalist tool who has sold out the left. On the other hand, to the teabaggers, he is a dangerous Marxist/Communist who nefariously wants to “spread the wealth.”
Well, there’s only one group that has consistently been denounced as being both capitalists tools and communists at the same time: Since Father Coughlin and before, and in Hollywood, Jews have been simultaneously villains of the left and right.
So by definition, Barack Obama, marxist revolutionary and capitalist tool, must be a Jew.
2. Eric Cantor
An open letter to Eric’s mother:
Dear Mrs. Cantor,
Eric seems like such a nice Jewish boy. What is he doing hanging out with such a disreputable bunch of goniffs like Michelle Bachman, John Boehner, Darrel Issa and Andy Harris (the “I want my government health care guy”).
Please have a talk with him. Really, it’s a shonda.
3. Jew or not a Jew?
Amar’e Stoudemaire? (21st c. Willis Reed, in my view) visited Israel, but a long shot (farther than a three pointer).
Forever Rapper Drake. Yes!
Natalie and Mila. Of course! Best Jewish fantasy/reality cinematic ballet stars evah!
4. Abe Foxman: Schmendrick of the year:
From the Burlington Coat Mosque to Glenn Beck on Soros, Abe has been a complete disgrace. Just cut it out, Abe. You’re embarrassing us.
So, nu? Who are some other newly revealed Jews? What were your favorite Jewish events of 2010? New Nixon and Kissinger tapes — anti-Semite and self-hating Jew?
Discuss amongst yourselves.
* My mother, a devout Jewish Ethical Culturalist, every year actually decorated a nice piece of driftwood she got from the beach from our house in Rockaway Beach when I was a kid. Last year’s diary mentioned that she was in the late stages of Pulmonary Fibrosis. She died a month later at 94, after a life filled with dance, beauty, music and love.