Puppy Bowl XVI

It’s that time of year again where we learn that all 96 puppies from over 61 shelters and including 5 Special Needs dogs have already been adopted.


Some people are under the impression I don’t like dogs which is not at all true. Most of them like me too though there is this one, Luna, that my activist brother occasionally has to look after that barks every time she sees me.

She has abandonment issues due to mistreatment and my lifestyle, which consists mostly of cursing at the computer and wandering to the refrigerator at odd intervals for food, means I’m only available intermittently for emotional bonding and that’s what dogs want, all the time.

Take your neediest girlfriend ever, triple it, and that’s what Dogs are like. Yeah they’re also a pain in the ass in other ways, you have to walk them for one, but that excited door bouncing is not just, “I need to pee.” Dogs genuinely like their humans and miss you when you’re away.

And if that’s the kind of experience you’re looking for (along with the knowledge they’ll be dead in 15 years despite your best efforts and all your money) then you should have one. Emily has deeply regretted it ever since her last one died, yet I can’t persuade her to just get another one. Our pets tend to find us, we don’t go looking for them.

We also go for hyper imaginative names like “Terry” for a Terrier and “Dally” for a Dalmatian. Yep, we have a lot of fun in Stars Hollow but to make up for it the Winters are long, dark, and cold. Now walk that damn dog before they pee on the carpet.

In truth we set up a dog run which is what you do when you don’t want to strap a Taser to your dog’s neck and opt for the more civilized solution of wrapping them in chains. It’s still there, vacant, and I can never mow that part of the lawn without checking my shoes.

I could certainly make Luna love me, or at least obey me, because I know all the Caesar Milan tricks, but the question is how committed am I to that relationship? She’s not my dog, or even my brother’s, simply a stranger who sleeps over every so often.

Perhaps she senses that and it’s the source of her discontent.

The other things you should know about dogs is they like to play, practically all the time unless they’re sleeping in which case they make good footrests and bed warmers if you can stand the hair and dander. They can do amusing stuff like chase non-existent Tennis Balls but I think that a cruel trick. You can dress them in costumes and they don’t seem to mind, unlike Cats where there is always this seething resentment. Of course Cats pretty much resent everything (not unlike a teenager) which is why I like them. You don’t have to walk them either which is bonus.

Alas I am completely pet free at the moment but when I consider my sketchy attention to details perhaps it is for the best.

Puppy Bowl will repeat in a continuous loop on Animal Planet until about 6 am tomorrow and it was filmed 3 months ago. Sorry (not sorry) to ruin your illusions.