Crap. I have to write another piece?


For weeks now I’ve been deferring my obligations and chores in the firm conviction that the coming Rapture and End of Times would make such mundane activities unnecessary (I don’t even want to talk about laundry).

You may not understand the impending doom to be visited on humanity when Planet Nibiru (or Wormwood or X) crashes into either the Earth or the Sun (I’m not quite clear). David Meade, noted author of Planet X – The 2017 Arrival, as well as The Prepper’s Guide to Surviving EMP Attacks, Solar Flares and Grid Failures, You Can Write a Best-Selling Info Book!, Fraud Prevention, and Own a Piece of Paradise In the Florida Keys does. I recommend against ordering any of these books since you’ll barely have time to read them and the few moments you have left are probably better spent at your local with a paper bag over your head (not that it will help).

How do we know about Planet Nibiru? Meade has seen it using the Wide-field Infrared Survey Explorer (WISE) and… I believe him with all the surety I know that Joseph Smith “hefted” the plates of Nephi sealed by the hand of Moroni and born record to by words of soberness.

What do we know about Planet Nibiru? Well, it’s 3 and a third the size of Jupiter (roughly), rotates clockwise, orbited by 7 moons and an undetermined number of asteroids. It has an outer magnetic field of 16.3 AU (an Astronomical Unit is the average distance between the Earth and the Sun which is pretty big as far as local distances go, for instance light takes 8 minutes to cover and that’s as fast as it gets).

As far as we know it is not inhabited by Ming the Merciless-

Pathetic earthlings. Hurling your bodies out into the void, without the slightest inkling of who or what is out here. If you had known anything about the true nature of the universe, anything at all, you would’ve hidden from it in terror.


Every thousand years, I test each life system in the Universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it. But if the Hand of Ming is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Dyzan, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly.

You’re saying… it’s my fault the Earth is being destroyed?


You see, the effects of Nibiru are already being felt. That Climate Change due to Human injection of Carbon into the environment? Garbage. Nibiru’s magnetic field is heating up the Earth’s core! Hurricanes and Earthquakes! Super Volcanos! To quote Meade-

Planet X’s arrival will create an event that occurs on the surface of the Sun that releases a tremendous amount of energy in the form of a solar flare or a coronal mass ejection, which is an explosive burst of very hot, electrified gas that has a mass that exceeds that of Mount Everest. The event will bring down the electrical grid, and the shelves of the grocery stores will be cleaned out inside of a day. Banks and ATMs don’t work without electric current. Gas pumps won’t be functioning. Food transportation will stop. Rioting and looting will be unrestrained. Communications satellites will be down. The 911 function on your phone isn’t going to work. For as long as it lasts, until new transformers can be built or imported, society will be in chaos. This will be the calling card of Planet X upon its near approach to our Earth and Sun.

Well, 2 points. Sagarmāthā/Chomolungma is 29,000 feet high (5.5 miles), Olympus Mons (on Mars and generally considered the tallest mountain in the Solar System) 72,000 feet (13.6 miles). Your average Solar Flare kind of starts at 621,370 miles (give or take a magnitude) and goes up from there, but we get the metaphor. You mean big. The second point is, in this global catastrophe where exactly will you be importing your generators from?

ek, that sounds pretty bad. What should I do?

I advise you to buy and speed read The Prepper’s Guide to Surviving EMP Attacks, Solar Flares and Grid Failures or go to your pub and pound down as many pints as you are able as fast as you can (muscle relaxant you know) and put a paper bag over your head. Neither one will do any good.

Running away and hiding has always been an essential survival trait and should you choose a lingering death Meade has this advice-

Arizona is a good place, it “has withstood many a pole shift” (magnetic pole shifting being a consequence of the interference from Nibiru and the Coronal Mass Ejection (get your minds out of the gutter folks). Colorado is very safe because the CIA has relocated their domestic division (which they don’t have- shhh…) there. The Ozarks of Arkansas and Missouri should also do well because they have plenty of water and farmland.

Which will be of benefit when we are swallowed by a Gas Giant 953.5 times our size.

Bad places to be? California for the obvious reasons, the Hoover Dam watershed because it won’t survive, and Florida and the Keys (See! It’s already happening!).

Now I’ll spare you the astrological and numerological signs (no yellow bricks involved), but it’s supposed to happen today and yet here I am, slaving over a hot keyboard when I could be doing funnel shots (you pour a beer through a funnel and a tube as fast as you are able to drink it, alternatively you open a can at both ends) on the beach. Anyway it doesn’t all happen in one go so you have plenty of time for debauchery. After the power goes out you have until October 5th before Nibiru eclipses the Sun and the nuclear war doesn’t start prior to the end of October, beginning of November at the latest. Then it’s Rapture Time or 7 years of bondage to the anti-Christ, whichever comes first.

Who knows about Niribu? Well, you do… now, as well as NASA, the CIA, and just about every deep state acronym you can think of or make up out of the whole cloth (and it’s not as easy as you think, all the good ones are taken). This is why the Hubble was built and the Vatican has a large pair of Binoculars on the roof.

Besides, there was a Fatima like vision posted by some anonymous person on the Intertubz (a well known series of trucks that is always true)-

I was taken to the heavens above the earth and I could see the earth in a distance not so far but clearly. Suddenly I heard a very loud sound and vibration with a very heavy zoom sound coming my way, hundreds of times louder than that of a Boeing 747 jet. I then saw a very huge rock almost the size of the moon zooming past me at a very high speed with a large tail of fire besides and behind it.

I looked where it was headed. I knew it was headed for planet earth and thought well, I hope it lands in the ocean, not many people will die. However, it seemed targeted to the ocean and the United States. I was like, Lord no!

[Meanwhile], people were having their usual life, and for some reason I saw people going to get movies at Blockbuster and they did not seem to care about what was coming. …. I was then taken back to the Blockbuster place and people saw the object and heard the band and vibrations but seemed not to care about it, and some said, ‘I will die watching a movie.’

Man, I want some of that kush. Still, as Quartz (from whom I cribbed most of this) concludes-

Global coverup of massive red dwarf approaching our sun? Sure. A seven-year apocalypse overseen by a dapper CEO-like Satan? Of course. Blockbuster Video? I don’t know about all that.

Remember, DocuDharma and The Stars Hollow Gazette, trafficking in only the most scurrilous rumors since 2007 and 2010 respectively.

Oh, the title of the Quartz story (“To understand the end of the world, it helps to run Microsoft Windows 7 or 8”)? Meade used a program that’s called WorldWide Telescope which runs best under Windows 7 (SP1 Build 7601) or 8 (ugh).