David Brooks charged with battery.

I’m pretty sure David Brooks spends the majority of his time unplugged and lifeless in a mop closet at the NYT.  A couple times a week a custodian shoves some D cells up his ass, which boots Brooks into a quasi life-like artificial intelligence to mechanically crank out a column as the totally fucking inept protocol droid for the Washington elite he is.  I mean, there are mindless blatherers, and there are mindless blatherers.  David Brooks is the latter.  I once read a Brooks column to a potted plant, and it jumped out the window.  Reading his “thoughts” is like being flashed by a middle-aged man who looks a lot like David Brooks.

Writing from the context of complete closeted oblivion, Brooks examines the ontological question of why harmful robots like him exist in a meritocracy, and his lack of self-awareness explodes in a bifurcation of chaos.  This bionic op-ed appliance has so many design flaws you can hear the components popping and snapping and sizzling before he attempts to rub the first two wires together.

One of the great achievements of modern times is that we have made society more fair.

Snap, pop, sizzle.  The dude shorts out.  Reflections on being, BZZZT.  I believe the rest of the column resulted from his wrecked parts thrashing and slumping on to the keyboard.

At least his editor ran it through the spell-check before publishing it.


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    • Edger on February 20, 2010 at 3:16 am

    Journalism used to be the preserve of working-class stiffs who filed stories and hit the bars. Now it is the preserve of cultured analysts who file stories and hit the water bottles. Is the media overall more reputable now than it was then?

  1. Since then, we have opened up opportunities for women, African-Americans, Jews, Italians, Poles, Hispanics and members of many other groups. Moreover, we’ve changed the criteria for success. It is less necessary to be clubbable. It is more important to be smart and hard-working.

    Yet here’s the funny thing. As we’ve made our institutions more meritocratic, their public standing has plummeted. We’ve increased the diversity and talent level of people at the top of society, yet trust in elites has never been lower.

    The help was a lot happier when the country club was still restricted.  

  2. You see, the problem with volunteer fire departments are that there aren’t enough fires.  With more fires, people would be more scared, and thus more likely to volunteer.  We need more fires.

    Also, the problem with home invasions in which the occupants are killed, wounded or maimed is an issue with the lack of civility and personal responsibility in our society.  If people would just learn how to lock up their homes and if the home invader comes in, invite them to have tea, this would have the effect of disarming the burglar, rapist or wacked out drug fiend long enough for the police to come and politely escort said fiend to a holding area.  You see, the real problem here is rudeness.

    And, I know, you might think that just is all nonsense and that David Brooks is an idiot, but he has the pulse of the average conservative American in Peoria, Ill.  You, you’re just a fringe lunatic liberal.

    So there.

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