Via Email From Mom


Important universal and timeless truths that we learn only from the movies:

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red

readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and

wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them

than 20 men firing at one man.

If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river – or even a bath.

German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the

communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings

from international terrorist organizations – even though the job

will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their

own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings – especially

if any of their family or friends have died in a strange

boating accident.

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of

software.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make

sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their

total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English

to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal

damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds

– unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped

inside.

You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing

a bow tie.

When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but

at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the

entire journey.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause

no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down

three days before their retirement.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world

expert in nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything

else at the age of 22.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they

will fall in love.

Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son’s

eighth birthday.

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable,

even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to

cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving

martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by

one… dancing around in a threatening manner until you have

dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom

will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their

enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses,

lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their

captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip

club at least once.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one

bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control

tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while

scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight,

your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make

the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back

home.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange

noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they

happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to

turn the steering wheel from time to time.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended

from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you

will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the

music in your head.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in

Paris.

People on TV never finish their drinks.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a

note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the

exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by

15 cm.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family

every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to

eat them.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a

football stadium.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just

relax and run a bath – even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.

All single women have a cat.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by

frantically beating the cradle and saying, “Hello? Hello?”

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person

you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to

their back.

Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no

one else.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with

a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in

the vicinity.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are

visiting.

11 comments

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    • Edger on August 9, 2009 at 6:52 pm
      Author


    Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

  1. It is always plentiful.

    Also nerdy men have no problems getting really hot women.

    All women over 40 are bitter.

    People always have ill defined jobs that allow them to show up and leave when they want.

    Cops dress well.

    Hospitals can function entirely without nurses. If they have them they are either old and bitter and abusive or they are hot porno type nurses. Doctors are always hot.

    It only ever rains during existentially appropriate moments.

    Everybody has one wise cracking best friend who is not as good looking as them.

    Older people always give sage advice.

  2. of having a kid is you get these songs stuck in your head…

    • Alma on August 9, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    if you are a teen having sex, you will be slaughtered by a knife wielding maniac.

    • Edger on August 9, 2009 at 9:03 pm
      Author

    at the end of the movie, even if there are millions of them, all the dead people get up off the floor and go home to dinner. Even if they were nuked.

  3. a British accent for some reason.  Also, when you are shot you almost always die immediately.

    • asqv on August 10, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    and zombies are busting through the front door, you must run upstairs to escape.

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