Learn From My Mistakes My Sorrow

It’s been nearly a year since I have been blogging here regularly. For those of you that know me, and those just meeting me, last summer my husband and I decided to sent me off to Italy to find a country house we could live in during the summer months. We were advised to do this because I have Acute PTSD from a highly traumatic near-fatal car accident 3 years ago. It was an awful time and I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through what I did. I thought of contacting a Uvalle Law Firm and I get my compensation sorted, but my life was such a mess after the accident. I was stressed all the time so my doctors have all prescribed a less stress-filled life as the best medicine to recovery (along with therapy).

I went. Found us a home. Came back. And while showing pictures of what I found was handed a formal agreement to dissolve our marriage. The trip to Italy was a sham, a way to get me out of town so that he could reorganize his life with me not a part of it. But it gets much worse.

I’ve kept this story to myself for two reasons; it has taken me nearly a year to come to grips with the amount of deception I absorbed and (2) we are in the middle of this divorce and as I have learned from the likes of a Chicago divorce lawyer, everything I say is used against me so I have chosen to remain silent. The man divorcing me is powerful. I am in my own way, but in Los Angeles that means so very little. I have become radio-active -watching people who I thought were friends slowly moving away because I cannot do much for them, whereas, in a town where everyone is seeking celebrity, he can.

I am coming forward to help myself get through this as divorce is stressful enough but for someone with PTSD it is overwhelming. And to hear your thoughts.

Especially as reality sinks in and more facts are revealed that point to a plan that has been in development since the car accident. Since I stopped earning a big salary. Since we were both told that yes, I will recover, but I may never be the old me – but a new me. I find that exciting. He has decided that was not what he bargained for. I have come here seeking comfort and I am not too ashamed to admit it.

I have also come here to attempt to explain how trust, misplaced can be devastating to one’s life and the importance of remembering you can only really rely on and love yourself in this world or you may find yourself in my position.

Yes there were signs. After the accident, I suffered severe memory loss – most of which has been recovered. I went from a very active person to a recluse for 6 months afraid to leave the house. I had all the typical PTSD (still have) symptoms of hyper-arousal, mood swings, neediness, acting out (anger), etc. But that is not to say I was not aware of it. I was and felt constantly quilt for not being better able to handle my emotions. I regularly pleaded for his help in finding me the right therapy and that he didn’t reflect two things (1) the family members of people with PTSD have a steep learning curve and it takes them at least a year to accept their loved one has changed; (2) He wasn’t really interested in helping me. This situation made me regret not seeking the counsel of Milwaukee car accident lawyers, or similar others, concerning my rights to compensation. In that case, I could have taken care of myself and not depended on my husband for financial support

In frustration over this, and feeling alone, I lashed out but always came back to some semblance of rationality and explained why I was lashing out but it didn’t matter. As the truth has slowly come out he began to loathe me so much, see me as such “a waste of time and space” a “burden” “worthless” that when asked he could not say that he was glad I lived. In fact, I am now quite sure he wishes I had died.

Why? Because of a 20 something girl from Lithuania with not so much talent he was managing who was doing all of the things I was not able to do at the time – tell him how wonderful he is, cherish him, adore him. I was busy saving my own life.

And here is the lesson. After 10 years of being together I really thought there would never be an end to us. I really believed we were buying that house for us. I trusted him completely and blindly. Sure we had our problems – lots of them – but leaving him for another was never an option in my mind. We were just in a phase and life with its ups and downs would see us though anything.

And this was my mistake – I became a we instead of a me. Now remember I had precious few coping skills at the time, so when he asked me to sign various documents in the state I was in I just did it, unaware I was giving up rights to just about everything.

Because for the first time since 17 I could not work he paid me through his company 1000 a month – barely enough to live on given my medical bills but since he was paying for everything else – I did not complain – I got buy and learned to live without – which given my state was ok. Because I had no money it took me months to find a lawyer to represent me. He went out and hired a law firm quite well known for their overly aggressive tactics and brutal behavior – all of which I have suffered – and I am sure there is more to come.

In top of this he told me he is too poor to move out and the only way I could get any support is if he continued to live here. Then I found out that instead of buying us a house in Italy he purchased an $800,000 loft “as an investment” for this client of his. When I told me sister she became so irate and left him a nasty message. That resulted in me being cut off completely financially since the end of January. That’s right no money at all. Where did all of my savings go? Into this house and the one we owned before it, only one of those papers I signed was a quit claim deed giving him full ownership of this house – and yes I get told regularly through his lawyer that I will be removed from the property with the slightest provocation.

So I am living in the guest room penniless. It hurts to think my financial situation has been destroyed by a car accident that wasn’t my fault. Sometimes I wonder if my fortunes would have been different if I had used a lawyer similar to this OKC personal injury attorney. Sadly, I will never know.
Anyway, he rarely comes home except between the hours of midnight and 6am. The refrigerator has nothing in it because he really isn’t living here. And the really worst part is he refinanced this house, borrowed over 2 million dollars and stuck it somewhere all while I was away thinking we were building a new life together. This was no arbitrary delusion I was given many reasons to believe this was in fact the case. Including being made love to before being handed the document and two days after he purchased the loft.

The PTSD has shot through the roof, my immune system severely compromised but I am determined to live to fight another day. But I cannot pretend I am not devastated that anyone could prey on an already sick person with such veracity and hatred. If there is a morale to this story for me it has become to not trust in anything or anyone but myself ever again.

I welcome your thoughts.


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    • Viet71 on March 17, 2009 at 17:14

    You should make out OK financially, I think.

    California is a community property state, meaning you own half of what he’s earned and invested.  He can’t deprive you of that.

    A competent lawyer should serve you quite well.

    Good luck.

    • Alma on March 17, 2009 at 19:07

    I could go back to being the trusting fool.

    I was much happier and I think a nicer and better person then.

  1. http://www.thylacineslair.com/

    its about unconditional love – I’m glad I chose to take care of my mom and dad too

  2. Sometimes it’s your own self that can’t be trusted.  I had a similar experience, but have since realized that it was my desire to see and believe what I wanted to that made me the fool.

    There’s nothing wrong with being trusting, but still being careful must rule your choices.  I understand your sister’s anger, but she should have chosen another way to help you than confronting him.

    Many of us have to learn the hard way, and some people will later say that a painful experience was worth the wisdom gained from it.  I hope you will come to that point.

    Best of luck to you.

  3. I know your a strong person, and a loving person our also very compassionate. The problem is not with trusting others but not trusting yourself. Complete the process and divorce yourself from this man, emotionally as well as physically. Don’t let toxic love hold you in a place where either alone or with the person your going to get sick from it’s effects. Healing sometimes means leaving a situation which makes you a victim. As hard as it may seem you need to let go of this. I hope you will find help as you are not alone. Your perspective is tainted by your situation. I missed you.      

  4. but the divorce and the move to Italy were your idea.  You talked about moving to Italy quite a bit before you disappeared from this site.  I remember being proud of you for getting out and living your life as you dreamed.  

    On this I agree

    I changed a lot after receiving a TBI when my head received multiple blows during a car accident. The biggest change was getting a new lease on a life which resulted in a permanent sense of optimism that greets me everyday when I wake up instead of pessimism. I feel lucky to be alive. Is that a systemic change or behavioral? I would say the latter as almost dying taught me life is precious.

    Hence my decision to get an overdue divorce

    Hence my decision to realize my dream and move to Italy


    by: breathingstill @ Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 09:32:55 PDT

    I’m sorry about your trauma and injuries but maybe this will help explain why your husband gave you the divorce papers. Perhaps it will turn out for the best after all.   As Viet71 said, find a good family lawyer who will advocate for you and get you back on your feet financially.  Then you can return to Italy or go wherever you like.  Best wishes breathingstill.  

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