The Republican’ts Strike Back


Benjamin Netanyahoo thinks Iran’s invisible nuclear weapons program is the biggest danger facing the world today. Most folks think the Global Financial Meltdown and a discredited ‘free market’ theory is the greatest challenge we face. And then there’s that woman with 14 kids…enough said.

But, humbly, there is a danger facing mankind greater than any threat heretofore experienced on planet Earth: Republican’ts.


Republican’ts are a robotic species of weak-minded hypocrites programmed to archaic, Inquisition fueled belief systems, campfire hobgoblin stories and slasher films. Republican’ts are to the animal kingdom as dregs are to a bottle of wine. Part of the problem with Republican’ts is their heads spin around on their shoulders like Regan in the Exorcist. One second they’ll tell you deficits don’t matter and the next their heads explode if we go a dime over budget or spend a penny on the poor.

That’s the other thing about Republican’ts which is kind of messy. Other than their heads whirling around on their shoulders riding the hypocrisy carousal, Republican’ts are prone to spontaneous combustion. While idly driving along the highway listening to the Wizard, Rush Limbaugh, on the radio and suddenly a bing and a bang and a boom, and WHOOSH their hair is on fire, head spinning round the spinal column like a dervish and then SMOOSH , they can’t see through the windshield from all the brain matter splattered over the interior of their car, so they pull to the side of the road and blame all their troubles on the poor starving billions who don’t have the sense to buy long and sell short.

And this is the secret way you can tell Republican’ts aren’t human. Shh. After their heads explode; they instantaneously grow a new head. Spontaneous Regeneration. To explode again another day, like the saliva gland of Pavlov’s favorite dog – Svetlana.

You can’t kill a Republican’t so you shouldn’t even try. The best thing to do, and the most dangerous thing to do, because of the aforementioned exploding head hazard, is to ignore them. Republican’ts are notorious drama queens. When the spotlight is taken away from their Henny Penny, hair-on-fire hysteria about the crisis du jour, well, all I can say is the conglomeration of exploding heads makes the Fourth of July look like Groundhog’s Day. The daily carnage on FOX News is a wonder to behold.

Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between a Republican’t and a real human being. But there are a few sure signs to seek on the way to understanding the mind of a Republican’t.

First – Ask a suspected Republican’t this question: Would you like to fuck Ann Coulter?

His head will immediately explode.

Okay, and yes, that’s an easy one because many Republican’ts are trained in counter-terror torture techniques learned from the hapless cooks, drivers and parking valets held prisoner in the open-air dungeon of Guantanamo Bay. So, if the suspected Republican’t doesn’t stiffen and longingly sniff at Ann Coulter, then ask:

“Why do they hate us?”

His head will start shaking a bit, and maybe a tear will form in otherwise lifeless eyes, and a lump might come to the throat and a crack might come in the circus-barker voice as he says, “They hate us because we are free.”

This is a sure sign of Republican’tism: no appreciation of Orwellian irony.

Another certainty you are dealing with a Republican’t is a stuck-up stiffness in the spine. This syndrome is best noted in the lately departed President W – perhaps better called The Boy Republican’t King.  Scientists, researchers, anthropologists and conspiracy theorists have all wondered for years why it looks like W. walks with a maple tree stump stuck up his ass. All Republican’ts share this trait to one degree or another. Many folks tossed off Reagan’s strange walk as way too many years in the saddle, but sadly, no, Ronald Reagan, star of stage and industrial film, was, indeed, a Republican’t.

But, now it can be told exclusively to this readership the mystery of the strange, almost alien, Republican’t gait: strings. There are strings attached. Invisible strings which reach right down from someplace unspeakable and stretch right into the Sacrum, the literal seat of power, and then up through the spinal column and into the brain where Republican’ts are controlled by unseen, but ubiquitous, forces which crave domination over masses of people because, well, how cool is that?

Republican’ts are a real life version of a 1950s Hollywood alien invasion Sci-fi film meant to subliminally enforce the anti-communist message – Communists will steal your way of life and seduce your women. (Never ever telling you the women were ready to jump because couch-potato-zombie-men are not great lovers and communists have a notorious lust for the tango and other dances of abandon.)      

Now, there is one steadfast rule of the experts when it comes to interspecies communication with Republican’ts: Don’t Ever Play with Them.

Republican’ts have no sense of fun, unless, of course, pulling the wings off butterflies is fun or shoving firecrackers up toads’ asses or, you know, forcing devout Muslims to strip naked, smear themselves with feces and simulate porn orgies which would make Caligula blush. Also, Republican’ts are very poor losers. They are sourpusses. And they cheat at golf. The four-putts that aren’t counted is a crime against Scotland.

But the main reason it is forbidden to play with a Republican’t is because they can’t see the game for the winning. There is no joy but solemnity instead as victory is not a thrill but a moral duty. A duty which weighs heavy because Republican’ts have the weight of the world on their shoulders to create order out of chaos. If people aren’t corralled, roped, indoctrinated, educated and taught the boundaries of respectable behavior, then people turn into beasts, fornicate in public and the rule of law is replaced by rule of the brute.

My, that is a heady responsibility, isn’t it?

So, Republican’ts are rigidly programmed hybrid creatures whose duty is to rule over real people because real people don’t want to live within the confines of a small little box on a conveyor belt to nowhere. You see the point to civilization to those who wind-up and send the Republican’ts out into the world to try and control everything is not the human part of civilization (the American idea of a society meant to benefit the whole of humanity), but the civilizing aspect, the restrictive facet – the power to make people conform en masse.

Republican’ts shouldn’t be blamed for their plight. They are Malikian puppets and nothing more. Mouthpieces, talking-heads and defenders of an unshakable faith: self-governance for the few and compliance by the many. The best weapon against Republican’ts is to ignore them. But what of the unspeakable power behind the army of Republican’ts? The power which makes the box of orthodoxy, morality and a fear to leave the box? Can we afford to ignore that power?

No. But how can it be fought against? The power uses institutional shields from which to hide and defend. They are untouchables who decide what is too important to fail and what is collateral damage. There is an impenetrable nexus where state and corporation mingle in a dance of smoke. Some call it the shadow government or permanent government or secret government, or the unspeakable. Something acknowledged and accepted. A fact of life like gravity. Nothing you can do about it but learn to live with it. We have life, liberty and a pursuit of happiness but our pursuit is contained within a narrow field of opportunity. We are encouraged to pursue our dreams but within a dreamscape matrix of established ways and means to happiness – wealth, power, fame and universal acclaim (the life of the few). Or a “normal” life of work, family and retirement (the life of the many).

How does one battle against the windmill of invisible, unspeakable but undeniable power?

First, we neutralize the army of Republican’ts by ignoring them. Do not ask them to play. Ignore what they say. And don’t take their advice. Every Republican’t is a Manchurian Candidate in disguise. Second; protest, resist, rebel and act against the War Machine at every possible turn. The acceptance of War as a viable tool of “diplomacy” is a war crime. Our Constitution provides for the common defense not wars of aggression against defenseless populations in the name of “national interest.” The military-industrial-complex must be turned from a hellish witch’s cauldron of desolation for profit to an engine of human exploration, aspiration and pursuit of knowledge about ourselves, our world and the universe.

And from this resistance to barbarism which the unspeakable power always wants within reach, we the people can forge a new civilization based upon the Hippie virtues of peace, love and understanding and evolve past the mentality of the beast which lurks in the heart of the power so awful it can not stand the light of day for fear of the utter rejection by the billions of human beings under its thumb.

Step 1: Shun Republican’ts

Step 2: Act against the war machine at every opportunity

Step 3: Practice peace, love and understanding

Step 4: Enjoy life. Don’t follow the Republican’t way of heavy burden and somber duty.

These are the simple steps to world revolution.

After the Empire struck back, the Jedi returned.


1 comment

    • Diane G on February 3, 2009 at 12:31

    Damn, you’re good.

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