According to the Gospel of Jesus

BREAKING:

AP, UPI: 27, January, 2009

Vatican Moles Break Silence on Hidden Gospels by Jesus of Nazareth.

An international group of theologians have been copying and removing long hidden documents from the Vatican and other undisclosed locations that the Catholic Church had repressed.

The Vatican has broadly condemned their actions, and refute the documents validity.

These false documents are too dangerous to ever see the light of day.

“There would be widespread societal breakdown, chaos, riots should these criminals ever publish these documents. There is no evidence these are authentic documents, and to quote from them would be possibly end society as we know it.

We condemn them.

Our sources say, these are gospels written by Jesus of Nazareth himself, who not only studied under the rabbis of his day, but traveled extensively during his “missing” years, and continued to do so into his 90’s.

They contend Jesus was a scholar, and left writings quite contrary to the Biblical Texts we have come to accept, in fact in most cases, contradict them entirely.

More importantly, they claim the largest volume of these writings, in ancient Aramaic, were written when Jesus himself was quite elderly, exposing that he continued to live and travel after 30 AD. His “Symbolic Death and Resurrection,” he claimed, was necessary to leave Israel and continue teaching elsewhere. Jesus’ claim that His Resurrection was symbolic has shaken the very foundation of Christianity.

His response to where his “Christian” followers were heading was not kind.

The volumes have been under study for years by this group of theologians, and the Vatican has threatened excommunication of anyone who reads the texts they have decided to publish. They have condemned these Gospels, and fear reprisals from people who may believe in them, and will be angered that they have been intentionally suppressed.

These are the words they consider most damning:

Let no man speak for God.

Let no man raise himself to a position to speak for God, nor intercede on your behalf.

Following priests, rabbis or holy men is as repulsive to God as idol worship.

Further reading exposes Jesus’ love of studying under other scholars, but only as a tool to find ones own truth, including accepting atheism as valid.

The controversy surrounding the publication of these Scriptures has Global implications.

Our sources say that Jesus was married to Mary (called Magdelene in other Biblical texts) and considered her to be Divine equal to Himself. Recent publishing of books like “The Lost Scriptures” and popular culture novels like “The Da Vinci Code” were not as fictional as they had appeared. He spoke of a dual yet united divinity that was neither masculine nor feminine, but existed wholly as a unity of both. He claimed God itself was a Binary of the Sexes.

The “Holy Grail” apparently was not only Mary’s continued existence carrying the “bloodline” of Jesus’ children, but his continued life and travels himself. He documents the travels of Mary and Himself, and their many children being spread throughout the World, and in many cases, it was Mary who did the teaching, not Himself.

This validates the charge that knowledge of these Scriptures and subsequent power gained by hiding these documents brought the Knights Templar catapulted them into power was one of the best guarded secrets of all time. It may be the longest running extortion cases ever. The Vatican’s complicity in suppressing documents written by Jesus, who they claim to serve, has angered many.

All men flow from God, each were given the Word according to Divine Will.

No single way of establishing a relationship with the Almighty should be raised over another, all are beautiful in the eyes of the Lord.

Woe be it to any man who condemns another for his love of God, or denies God’s Words unto them.

Woe be it to any man who judges his brother and establishes a Religion and calls it the True Way, for the Religion then assumes to be Higher than the Word of God.

While there have been claims about Jesus traveling to India in his missing years, these scholars now say they have evidential proof that He traveled there and to every Continent during his life. He studied and taught under about every imaginable Religion and Culture, and praised them all.

More controversial yet, is the claim He and Mary produced many children, which he assigned to live with families throughout the World in his travels, so that the “Spark of Divinity” would be recognized in all men. Heirs of Jesus, if this is to be believed, exist from Africa to Siberia, and all lands in between.

He wrote texts in praise of, and scriptures about the Holiness of Peoples as far away as the Americas, speaking of things like the “Kivas” which were completely unknown in the times in which Jesus lived. Carbon dating has proven the age of these Scriptures.

He reiterated his anger at the “Thieves of the Temples,” with which his altercation at 12 is documented in accepted Biblical reference.

His “New Testament,” in his own Words was supposed to reestablish a loving personal bond with the Godhood, that had been corrupted by these “Thieves” by misinterpreting the “Old Testament” and creating laws that ignored the Divine in all individuals. He renounced all taboos against sexual activity, culinary habits, modes of dress and caste systems between peoples. His claim was that people, all people should be free to be however they wished, and should live in Love and acceptance.

Not only did Jesus write of the Female as equally divine, he renounced the condemnation of Gay peoples, and actually praised nonbelievers.

“(They) are as God made them, and let no one stand against Divine Love.

Judge no one, but thine own heart, and answer directly to thine own heart as God.

Worry not about those who claim no religion, nor worship any God, for they have found the Divine within themselves, and have not the need.”

While some was written in the Scriptural structure to which we are accustomed, leaks say, some is merely anecdotal, and quite humorous. He was fond of playing jokes on his children, and being tricked by them as well.

Church Officials from nearly every Religion worldwide are suing to block the publication of Jesus’ Gospels.  There is fear that a collapse of organized religion for people to believe in would not only confuse and depress people, but would cause an economic crisis of immeasurable extent. “No God would endorse Atheism,” said a Vatican official who refused to be named, “This impostor, this abomination should be crushed.

Extensive reading also exposes Jesus’ Gospel to demand equal distribution of wealth. He utterly condemns those who profiteer or hoard wealth unto themselves.

The Complete Works are due to be published at the end of the month.

Equally surprising, they are to be distributed free of charge, meaning the Theologians have taken seriously the taboo against profiteering.

“No man should profit off the Word of God, nor the Good of Mankind.”

***********************************

Written in Honor of, albeit a day late:

January 27, 2009 ~ Rabbit Hole Day

/snark

18 comments

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    • Diane G on January 28, 2009 at 3:07 pm
      Author

    Pinko-Commie… Jesus.

    Heh.

    Can you imagine the bricks they would be shitting, were this true?

    • Edger on January 28, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    the term “revealed knowledge”, eh?

    “These false documents are too dangerous to ever see the light of day.

    “There would be widespread societal breakdown, chaos, riots should these criminals ever publish these documents. There is no evidence these are authentic documents, and to quote from them would be possibly end society as we know it.

    We condemn them.”

    Nice to see the vatican has such “faith” in humanity.

    Fuck them.

  1. The Kingdom of God lies within.

    • Diane G on January 28, 2009 at 3:48 pm
      Author

    from MSNBC:


    Midwest Blogger causes World-wide panic, after writing a satirical article chronicling the release of “The Gospels of Jesus.”

    An FBI investigation into this 45 year old housewife, found her to be just very bad at satire.

    No arrests have been made as of this printing.

    • Robyn on January 28, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Is Ton Hanks available for DaVinci Code 2:  Revenge of Jay-sus  

  2. even to contemplate

    those words in block quotes

    I am in need.

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