Ringing the Mighty Cowbell of Rageohol

Good goddamn, these new-presidency-birth-pangs sure are pretty fucking loud, aren’t they? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I thought I was finished for the year-it’s way, way, way past my politically-psychic bedtime-and I’ve been looking for a nice quiet place to lie down ever since Election Day, but no, the infant Obama administration and its erstwhile supporters on the “far left” have both robbed me of my sweet repose. Everyone seems to be swilling the sour grapes of Rageohol this winter, but as the whole world collapses around us all yet again, we still can’t seem to admit that Teh Rage is our precious cause of and solution to All of Life’s Problems.

Yes, I should have expected this. I was far too green in the winter of 1992/93 to know or care who Bill Clinton threw into the vicious maw of confirmation-but I remember Lani Guiner, Zoe Baird, and Kimba Wood all getting mauled by rabid congress-critters eager to take a bite out of anything Big Bill ever valued. In the frosty post-election winter of 2000/2001, I was graduating college and likewise too self-absorbed to really give a shit who George Bush would appoint as his own vile henchmen (and women), but I do recall the many bricks shat over Ashcroft.

And now? Well, now of course we, the blogging masses, have Insta-Outrage, and we have become highly dependent on its vicious whims and horrible demands. We’ve had it coursing through our veins since we all tasted blood two years ago-when Harry met Nancy and they both conspired to Not Do Jack Shit About Anything (or at least that’s what I think I remember). And that insta-outrage has been building up for weeks now, man. Of course, it was interrupted there for a brief minute by the backslapping, rip-roaring mania of WINNING, BITCHES!-except out here in California, where the death-shrieks continued and the Cold War With Utah began.

Everywhere else, though, has been tagging along behind the Forced March of Consolidation that our President-Elect has been leading ever since he snatched The Prize away from Grandpa Simpson. It has been a gloriously dull slog, hasn’t it? Lieberman, Rahm, Hillary, Gates, Vilsack, Salazar, that simpering geek Duncan, that other guy who withdrew, blah blah blah. Oh, but there’s Hilda! Hilda is Here, motherfuckers! Who gives a shit about Corruption in Chicago, Part MCCXXVII-or even Depravity and Decadence in Detroit?

Yes, it’s been horrible, hasn’t it? You know how I know? I heard that slimy bastard Juan Williams sneering at the “far left” today on NPR, and I knew that the warnings about the Heathers were true. Ho ho, that’s some honeymoon, Barry. And not only that, but our very own orange vortex of angst has wrenched open its pit of despair, and the accompanying soundtrack has been such a sustained back-and-forth of hyperbolic projection and snide condescension that I believe I’ll never be able to get to sleep again. Woe is fucking me.

Indeed, and by the time I latch onto something it’s usually over, or at the very least over-staying its welcome-but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. No, I will not be yet another voice of white straight male entitlement to join in the cynical chorus of “Be Angry at the Sun,” snidely shouting down all the angry Kirks raging at Khan throughout the President-Elect’s transition. But neither will I continue to shriek like a naked banshee over Warren the Hutt, Ruler of Saddleback, because I am too tainted by the same things that led him down the tunnel of filth where he now makes his home.

No, not because we’re both white, straight, male Orange Countians. I ditched that Bircher preserve many years ago, thanks very much-though I do occasionally perform heroic sorties to bring sanity to my relatives still behind the Curtain-but I have never been able to shake off its foul stench of Suburbia. I’ve said all this before, of course, and flagellated righteously many times-and I thought that I was done with all that back in the heady days of November, but of course it was not to be.

Not with the spiritual successor of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” howling through the land. Not with the Beast of Bipartisanship terrorizing innocent party hacks whenever they dare to step outside. Not with the threat of socio-economic collapse continually fucking up our chosen commercial winter papering-over-previously-pagan holidays. And of course that goes double for all of us who waste our lives staring at websites. No meta can save you now, people-not even when some asshole points out that some other assholes have been secretly colluding their assholery for months now-no, no soap opera will divert the Great Eye from its laser-like focus on our new Temporary Capital of Chicago, D.C.

You might laugh, but it’s True. When a sitting President of the United States gets the Random Task treatment from Iraqi gonzo journalists, and when his annoited Successor can’t shake a toupĂ©ed leech like Blagojevich off his stylish pant legs, when these symptoms of a crumbling civilization simply won’t go away no matter how much we hope they will, it’s time to change the channel. It’s time to go out and get fucking blitzed, dude. Maybe in 20 years our queer friends will get to join us, and-oh Christ, who gives a shit. The Padres traded Khalil Greene to St. Louis and the NFL playoffs suck balls.

Well, damn. Throw up my hands. Welcome to the majors, Mr. Hobbs. Don’t let ’em give you any shit about your ponytail, and if they do, give me a call. We’ll kidnap their children and ship them to Provo. No one will ever know. The time for civility has passed-there’s still a war on, after all.


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  1. Well, all I can say is that WOYG #40 is coming soon to rescue my 3 readers from silly crap like this…

    • Edger on December 20, 2008 at 01:57

    We’ll just have to ride it out I guess, KD.

    Did you bring the buttons?

    And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about 100 miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?”

    Then it was quiet again.

    It was almost noon, and we still had more than 100 miles to go. They would be tough miles. Very soon, I knew, we would both be completely twisted. But there was no going back, and no time to rest. We would have to ride it out.

  2. via mother nature is scaring the crap out of this LA native transplanted in OR. A blizzard which makes the outrage on the Far Left seem as puny as it is. I too wanted a reprieve for a while from this insanity, but watching the likes of these assembled comers and goers just makes it impossible. And nobody nobody seems to realize that this is the change were getting.  Warren and a bevy of Clintonites, and assorted free market pirates, no crimes we see here, and the myth of the Far Right prevailing. The Hillbillies and the Casino Dealers apparently won.

    My outrage meter keeps getting kicked in by the smirk on Rahms face alone. The hustler preacher delivering his blasphemy at the changing of the guards finally got it going strong and steady once again. The Far Left is just a tinny sound to busy trying to find the change they lost somewhere to actually do some damage, and everybody else just waiting for the change they need to eat. Meanwhile the hairdo on Blago keeps me laughing as do your essays, more please.          

  3. there is no reason to put the likes of Warren on the podium. The % of crazy hating Christians is small compared to the supposed center. I do believe that the reason he won was because the Far Right including the Media lost their credibility and people stopped listening to them. It didn’t help to have a looney hillbilly moose killer out front either. The propaganda machine called the media is in full throttle right now. It’s trying to reignite wars long brushed aside by the reality that crashed on all our heads, including this blizzard I’m sitting in.

    Why empower this segment who served and empowered the Bushies? What kinda bluff is that? And why when we Democrats win do we still act like we lost? I don’t worry that much about progressives I don’t really even know what that is. I do know that the country resoundingly rejected the agenda of the wingers and that this talk of how were a center right country is bs. I think that the pols use this myth to bluff us.

    Obama seems to want a inside straight a hard hand to draw. I don’t want unity with the old coalitions that lost I want them gone or back burnered. I want the crimes acknowledged, the laws restored and the politics practiced by both parties that keep power in the same hands shattered. It’s not something we should have to fight for we won. We did not win because people believed the bs coming out of the TV we won because they have had enough. Hell I’d even settle for a real center instead of this cooked up story about security and ‘free market’ and main streets. I’s be happy with the Law that we supposedly live under being applied and I believe that it talks about separation of church and state, and where is my habeas corpus?                

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