1) I will not write numbered, list diaries as a way of making it seem like I have more content than I actually do.
2) I will not use grand, sweeping, unverifiable statements laden with emotional language like most of the unrepentant assholes at this website do at least 73% of the time.
3) I will not add lots of flowery imagery, like a blossom opening too early on a spring morning when the dew of last nights interminable darkness still clings (like convict to his cell bars when the executioner is near) to the petals, as a way of hiding the fact that I have no actual point whatsoever.
4) I will absolutely go out and buy a pair of Tom’s Shoes because not only do they make my ass look smaller, but also, for every pair purchased, they give away a pair to a child in need.
5) I will stop being solipsistic and assuming that my personal life is all that interesting to other people… like I did that one time… in junior high… at Carrie’s party, when Rudolpho was so upset about what happened at the water polo match, but I was so focused on my story about Jeanine and the handsome Asian sophomore from the wrong side of the tracks THAT I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE his deep emotional suffering.*
7) I promise never again to reprint that Rich Lowrey’s quote about Sarah Palin’s debate performance…
I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, “Hey, I think she just winked at me.” And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can’t be learned; it’s either something you have or you don’t, and man, she’s got it.
…because its in the past and we should all just forget it.
8) I will prooofread my dairies, because speeling, tense and punctuation mistake’s show a disdaining for the reader and for the bloog as a hole?
9) I will not write a frivolous and obviously cobbled together 9th list item, knowing that I have no choice at this point but to get to #10.
10) I will try to remember that, with few notable exceptions, we’re all doing the best we got with the cards we’ve been dealt.
*I still CAN’T BELIEVE I DID THAT! Can you?