If I could have a moment of your time to discuss your crapper.

(noon. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

With the knowledge that Joe The Plumber’s book “Joe the Plumber – Fighting for the American Dream” is fast approaching publication, I, a professional writer of pronouns and gerunds and other stuff with serif based English letters, am becoming increasingly worried about my job security.

I mean… now that HE’S an author, there surely will be one less opportunity for people of my ilk to ply our trade. That said, I know me some math, and while there is one less slot for wordsmiths, there is a opening in the area of sinks, toilets, and septic tanks. If you are a plumber brunswick, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that there’s one less person you’ve got to worry about as competition.

So, with that in mind…

…let me tell yo that in my book “Jeff The Writer, Fighting to Make Sure Your Crap Goes Down That Little Hole” I will espouse my undying love and professional respect for the Kohler K-3488 – Devonshire Comfort Height One-Piece Elongated Toilet, specifically when compared to the utterly substandard and overpriced Herbeau Dagobert Wooden Toilet Throne – 5501/5502.

I mean, please, anyone who knows the SanaGloss™ on the Herbeau Dagobert like I do can tell you that it DOES NOT “clean with every flush” like advertised, especially when you consider that the Cyclone Syphon Jet is, essentially, the Gigli of the personal waste removal industry.


My book will also devote chapters to the cotton tinted, TOTO E200 Washlet/Bidet (right), which I consider to be the greatest innovation in the womanly-parts disinfecting arena since the high-powered elephant featured in the Flintstones cartoons. The parts on the TOTO E200… specifically that one little doo-hicky, which attaches to the whatchamacallit… you know, the silver one at the back… behind the other silver thing… I would absolutely recommend that doo-hicky in a way that only someone with my vast knowledge and experience of installing whateverthehellyoucallthems can speak of.

Let me add here that my choice to put forth my opinions on toilet seats and ballcock based septic systems has nothing to do with the fact that I’m an attention seeking, desperate nincompoop whose claim to fame is that some other attention seeking, desperate nincompoop chose to make me the centerpiece of his floundering Presidential campaign, but because I believe that my thoughts on the 335 Gallon Elliptical Leg Tank can REALLY help my country deal with the shit that they don’t want to think about.

So, please, buy my product, and know that you are getting the soundest, most unbiased opinion of a man who deeply cares about you AND your poop.

Thank you and good flushing.


Oh and if you wouldn’t mind DIGGING before you flush.


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  1. …the 61″ Cast Iron Clawfoot Bathtub Tub Oil Rubbed Bronze.

    That thing is one fucked-up cool-ass personal washing device!

    • RiaD on December 2, 2008 at 02:12

    & i love your essays!


    • Edger on December 2, 2008 at 02:26

  2. Because now Joe’s also a TV repairman and Cenk is ready to put money on him being in a reality tv show before he goes away. This man is certainly multi-talented!!!!

  3. The literary world is silent in anticipation.  You can register for a free, signed copy of Joe’s book:  http://www.cjr.org/the_kicker/

    Why pay for the thrill?

  4. a very fast writer as he wrote his book in about a week. Maybe you should speed up Jeff. Idiocracy is alive and well but I’m surprised his fans would buy something as elitist as a book. Reality TV Sounds perfect. Toilet water on the plants? Ow my balls!  

  5. As a plumber, you show your customers your butt crack.  It’s not that very much different, is it?  You’re entirely qualified.

    I do think, however, that bidet talk is for elitist, French novellas and not for your apparent GBCW to the world of bloguer@s.  Style does matter, don’t it?

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